


Boys Keep Swinging

by BeetleQueen



Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, F/M, Homelessness, Pole Dancing, Prostitution, Sex Work, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Strip Tease, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Stripping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-07-10 09:41:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6978181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeetleQueen/pseuds/BeetleQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jareth, upon his defeat at the hands of Sarah, is dethroned, and forced from his castle by his goblins - for what kind of a leader loses at the hands of a mere child?<br/>The once proud Goblin King now finds himself having to do what he can to get by - even if those things prove less than savoury.<br/>After watching the ex-King decline over the years, Hoggle enlists Sarah's help to go find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I will pull you out of there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for some added flavour, the song Jareth is singing when Sarah finds him is 'Stay'... Make of that what you will~

Sarah rolled over in bed - and promptly screamed when she saw Hoggle staring at her through her vanity. "Hoggle..?" She yawned, still groggy with sleep. "What're you... doing... here?" Hoggle moved sheepishly from side to side. Truly, he didn't want to lay all this on Sarah's doorstep, but she was the only one that might be able to pull this off. "Hoggle?"

The dwarf wrung his hands, awkwardly. "Sarah, it's... _Him._ "

Sarah felt her blood run cold. In the years since she left the Labyrinth, she'd heard neither hide nor hair of what happened to Jareth. Hoggle was always vague. Ludo and Didymus weren't much help either. As time went on, Sarah just stopped asking. But that hadn't meant she wasn't curious. If anything, it made her more adamant to know just what the hell they'd been keeping from her. "What's wrong?"

Hoggle sighed. "Well, it's like this..."

 

* * *

 

Sarah trudged through the Goblin City, surprised to see how much it had changed. Since the battle some years back, a lot of the houses had been torn down and rebuilt. There were more amenities, and shops - and nestled in one corner was the building she was looking for. Sarah felt her gorge rise, remembering what Hoggle had told her.

_The dwarf sat on Sarah's bed, keeping his gaze on the floor. "Jareth's... He's not been the King for a while now."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Well... The goblins see, they kicked him out! Said they didn't want a King who couldn't even win against a kid. No offence..."_

_Sarah chose her next words carefully. "Are you saying this is my fault?"_

_"NO! No... Just... Underground, the rules are the rules. Kings have to do a lot to stay King. You don't even get three strikes."_

_Sarah was surprised at how incensed she became at that. "That's not fair!"_

_Hoggle nodded in agreement. "No, it ain't."_

_"So what exactly happened to him? And why keep the truth from me all these years?"_

_Hoggle paused. He hated being the messenger. All sorts happened to messengers! "He's... Not really living anywhere for long these days. Keeps moving about when he gets made homeless—"_

_"Homeless..?!"_

_"He didn't have much in the way of work experience. And he's only good at a few things." Hoggle bit his lip. "So the only job he could **get** was—"_

_Sarah forced Hoggle to look at her, her worry mounting by the second. "Hoggle. Tell me what he does."_

Jareth was a stripper.

Hoggle hadn't told her because she'd been too young to even understand the implications of that - and because apparently he wasn't just a stripper. Sarah readjusted her mask, hoping that it covered enough of her face to keep her identity hidden. She was glad there was still at least one faerietale dress in her cupboard that still fit her - albeit now very snugly. She would've been picked up in seconds if she wore just a t-shirt and jeans here. Hoggle had warned her that humans weren't at all popular Underground - especially since Sarah's victory over Jareth.

Apparently all of her friends had tried to help him countless times before going to her for help. Though why at all was a mystery to Sarah. Jareth hadn't done anything kind enough for them to wish to repay him.

So it was pity, then. Which meant things truly were bad for the fae.

Sarah felt her heart beat faster when she got to the door. According to Hoggle, the entrance was chock full of age gauging magic, expelling anyone who wasn't a legal adult. At least the place was somewhat reputable then, she thought bitterly. Another reason Hoggle had left it so late to tell her - she wouldn't have been able to do much in the way of rescue unless she was old enough to enter.

The doorman, some sort of mountain troll, gave Sarah a suspicious look. Sarah realised nobody else was hiding their faces, and panicked. After a moment, the troll waved her through anyway, and Sarah held her breath as she passed the doorway. She continued to hold her breath, even down the stairs. When she got to another door, she sighed loudly, gripping the handle. The music on the other side was muffled, but the voice singing was all too familiar.

Finally, Sarah pushed the door open. The smell hit her like a slap to the face. Musky. Dark. The air smelled red, and thick with incense. And something else... It was a charged, heated sort of air.

Races of all sorts were milling about, laughing raucously. Quite a number were gyrating against one another, and Sarah realised that Jareth wasn't the only stripper in the building. Or maybe he was, and everyone here was just as debauched without the incentive of payment...

She could hear him singing on stage, but didn't have the courage to look up - for what would she see? He'd worn rather daring clothing the last time they'd met, but tonight? How far would he strip? How bare was he already..?

Sarah finally dared a peep, and breathed out a sigh of relief. Still dressed, thank god. She then chanced a look at her watch. She had eleven minutes left. Hoggle had warned her that he could only keep the gateway to the Above Ground open for thirteen minutes. He was outside in one of the alleys beside the club, guarding a large mirror. In eleven minutes, if she didn't get her act together, she'd be stuck here until Hoggle could recuperate. And lord only knew how long that would take.

Right. Time to act.

Sarah made a beeline for the stage, watching as many patrons, male and female alike, threw coins at the Goblin King. Well. She couldn't call him that anymore - he was just Jareth now. The thought was strangely sobering. Sarah gripped the bag in her hand more tightly as she got closer, weaving through the crowd.

Jareth's trousers left just as little to the imagination as previously. Except this time his hand would find it's way under the waistband as he taunted the front row. Everytime enough coins found their way onto the stage, he'd tease them a little further. Sarah laughed when his hand pulled out a few crystal balls, twirling them in his fingers before he delved back inside. Some more coins, and another crystal ball appeared. A few more coins, and his loose fitting shirt was open. Some more coins, and it was off. Sarah realised she was losing track of time, with a blush, and consulted her watch. Seven minutes. It was now or never.

Sarah kept her eyes on the fae, waiting for him to make eye contact with her. When he did, she held up a large gold coin with a smile. Jareth tilted his head with a smirk. "You don't get much for _one."_ He chided, about to turn away.

Sarah then held up the large bag, her arm struggling under the weight. Hoggle had given her one real coin, and a bag full of false ones. (Still, they were bloody heavy...) Jareth's eyes lit up. So, it was his lucky day after all.

"Sorry everyone..." He tittered, regarding his crowd. "It seems only **one** person here can afford me." The people surrounding Sarah then moaned and tsked. Sarah tried her best to ignore some of the pointed glares of a few. Jareth then left the stage, quickly snatching her hand. Sarah trembled, her shyness back in full swing.

As soon as she got him alone, and away from these people, she'd be able to give up the pretence, she reasoned.

Jareth was surprised at how timid the woman was. Her hand was shaking in his, and she didn't say a single word on their walk through the various winding corridors. Perhaps it was her first time. But with that amount of money... Maybe she was a noble girl? Yes, the part of her face he could see around the mask was pretty enough. Maybe she'd stolen daddy's money, and decided on a night of frivolity? Or maybe she was an old hand at this, and got off on acting the innocent... He'd dealt with enough patrons to have seen every motivation in the book. Still, there was something about this one that had him wondering.

At least she didn't have a horse's head like the last. Beggars can't be choosers, he reminded himself.

Jareth opened one last door, and Sarah bit her lip, following him inside. She was just about to speak when the door snapped shut, and she felt his arms encircle her waist from behind. Sarah snuck a look down at her watch. Five minutes. She found herself suddenly gambling with the remaining amount of time - wondering just how much she could squeeze into those five minutes...

No, just tell him. Just say something-

Jareth's lips were on her neck, and Sarah whimpered despite herself. "No one has ever paid this much for my time..." He purred. "You must really want me..." Sarah gasped when he turned her around, and then pushed her to sit on a nearby chair. She watched, wide eyed when his hands slid down to the waistband of his tight trousers. Still she watched as he started to pull them down.

A glittery stuffed codpiece. Really?!

Sarah was about to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but she bit her tongue when she noticed the bulge in the thong twitch. Clearly it wasn't stuffed... Her heart hammered wildly when Jareth straddled her lap, rubbing his hips against hers in what she could only assume was years of practice.

Sarah let her eyes slide shut as he ran his gloved hands over her waist, inching higher by the second. "Um..." She bit back a whine.

Jareth's hands were on the front of her dress, slowly starting to unbutton it. "What is it, Precious?" He hummed, laying a kiss to her throat.

Sarah suddenly felt her blood run cold. "Stop." He did, to his credit. "How many women have you called that?"

Jareth eyed her in confusion. She didn't need to know. Didn't need to know that every woman with brown hair, and green eyes were the ones he would close his eyes and pretend were— "I can call you something else if you prefer." He kissed her jaw, and Sarah snorted angrily.

She pushed him back, her mouth twisting. "Just... Stop."

Jareth's eyes widened a touch; the rent was due in a few days, and if this woman had no intention of paying... It had been a few months since he'd last had to beg on the streets, cup in hand. The thought was not appealing.

Taking another glance at her watch, Sarah made her mind up. Enough stalling. Sarah pulled off the mask.

There was a good ten seconds of solid silence before Jareth stumbled to his feet, his face at first sheet white before switching to scarlet. "You're not staying here. And I have three minutes to get you out, so don't even try to say no, or eat up any more time with your shenanigans." She then grabbed his trousers before throwing them at him. "And put your pants on!"

Jareth stood there dumbly for a moment. Sarah could've strangled the scrawny pigeon! There was suddenly a explosive knock at the door, and the two of them whirled round.

"YOU'D BETTER OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE BITCH." Jareth balked - clearly he recognised that voice. "WE KNOW YOU GOT A HUMAN IN THERE WITH YOU. OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Sarah then searched the room frantically. The window. She grabbed Jareth, trousers forgotten, and pulled him along with her. Sarah ripped the window open, nearly pulling it off it's hinges. She looked down, and let out a scream of relief when she saw Hoggle directly below.

The bedroom door then burst open, slamming against the wall. Sarah picked up Jareth before making the jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this idea for Stripper Jareth post movie, and I wasn't sure if I should make it into a fic, but you can blame/thank monarobot and emmakescomics for convincing me to post it... (and for brainstorming terrible ideas for this fic with me...)  
> Also, it feeds into the whole Jareth emigrating idea I had, that a lot of other awesome people wanted to read - so thanks to all of you as well! <3
> 
> And a special thanks monarobot for the title! I'm running out of Bowie songs/titles/lyrics!
> 
> Kudos/Comments make my heart go doki doki.


	2. Lodger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth is useless at basic household tasks. But what else would you expect..?

Well that was an eventful day.

Jareth and Sarah had dropped into the mirror as they fell, landing with an awkward thud on her carpet. Sarah turned around just in time to see Hoggle smash the mirror before a very large, rather terrifying creature could enter. The reflection shattered before it faded, and Sarah breathed a sigh of relief - though it was short lived as she worried then for her friend's safety. He could run pretty fast, she assured herself.

Sarah then realised the front of her dress was still half open, and hastily buttoned it closed again. God, what would she even say to him?! This was the most stressful, awkward day of her life.

Turning round, Sarah felt her face scrunch into a scowl upon seeing Jareth now wrapped in her best kimono. He was shuffling around her room, inspecting photos and knick-knacks.

"Ahem." She spat, her hands finding their way onto her hips as one foot tapped impatiently. Jareth ignored her - or he hadn't heard. She wasn't sure which was worse. " **Ahem!** " Sarah repeated, a little louder. The fae suddenly spun around, eyes wide.

"Can I help you..?" He chanced.

"Yes. You can help me by not stealing my clothes, for starters!" Jareth looked at her as though she'd spoken double-dutch. "Just... _Keep it._ " She conceded. The amount of people he'd probably— Sarah felt a hot swathe of disgust deep in her belly. She could wash it with boiling water and bleach, and that kimono **still** wouldn't be clean enough. "And a 'thank you for dragging my ass out of that sordid den of inequity' wouldn't go amiss either!"

"Alright." Jareth nodded. "For that, I am grateful. But I can't stay long—"

"You fucking what?" Jareth stared at Sarah incredulously. She carried on. "I did not save your ass for you to just mince off again. You're staying put, got it?"

"Here..? Live with you?" He said carefully.

"Where else?" Sarah huffed. It wasn't ideal - not by any means. But if you wanted something done right— Besides, it'd be useful to have someone around to share in the housework at least. "The water's hot enough if you want a bath." She then gestured to the en suite.

"I'm fine—"

"It wasn't a question." Sarah interrupted. She gave him a pointed look until he finally sighed, leaving the room. "Towels are in the cabinet by the sink." She called out.

Jareth, ex-King of the goblins, was in her en suite running a bath.

What the fuck?

 

* * *

 

Sarah found some clothes that she didn't mind parting with, and laid them out. Once Jareth left the bathroom (towel wrapped all the way up to his armpits) he narrowed his eyes at the selection before him.

"I'm not wearing those." He stated flatly. His nose crinkled with disgust.

"Fine." Sarah felt her blood begin to boil. The nerve of the man! "Walk around naked for all I care." She hissed, turning her back on him.

Sarah felt her cheeks burn when she heard the unmistakeable drop of the towel onto the carpet below. She slowly turned, reasoning that no, he wasn't that much of a—

Except he was.

"For fuck sake, Jareth!" She spun back around, a hand shielding her eyes. "I didn't actually **mean** it!"

"But you _said_ it..?" He replied, sounding confused. Humans; such strange creatures that never meant what they said - and then chastised _you_ for being difficult! The nerve of the woman...

"Just... _Forget it._ I'm too tired for this." Sarah sighed, grabbing the clothes he wasn't going to use before stashing them back in the cupboard. She felt her temper flare again as Jareth's gaze lingered in her periphery. "What?" She snapped, doing her best not to look at him. If she looked, she'd end up looking down again.

Why couldn't he just put on the towel?!

"You're in a bad mood." He stated. Sarah then turned, her expression livid. Of course she was in a bad mood! "I think you need to relax." No. He wasn't about to suggest— "I could—"

"NO." Sarah screamed, holding her hands out, worried that he might advance on her. "Just put the towel back on, and keep yourself out of mischief while I make dinner." She didn't wait for a reply before stomping out of the room.

Jareth stood there, puzzled. What was she so angry about? He was only going to offer to rub her feet.

 

* * *

 

Jareth eyed dinner curiously. He was back in Sarah's kimono, and it really was the most divine material...

"What is that?" The man hovered at the side of the table.

"Penne puttanesca." She sat down with an audible huff. Sarah watched him as he continued to hover. "Feel free to sit." She tried to ignore any guilt when he did so, giving her a cautious glance. He looked like a deer in the headlights.

Jareth stared at the cutlery, the corner of his mouth twitching. Sarah dug in, ignoring him. If he was going to be so picky, he could starve.

Well, she wouldn't let him starve. But she wasn't reheating it for him - and that was final!

She sighed loudly when he made to pick up a fork, and then shied away from it.

"Just eat!" She snapped. It wouldn't taste good if it got cold. Not that she cared about his comfort - it was the principal of the matter!

Jareth picked up the fork with a wince before doing as she said. About ten minutes later, Sarah couldn't ignore the strange burning smell in the room. She thought it had been the oven, but when she looked up, Jareth's hand was engulfed in smoke.

"Iron allergy..." He offered, and Sarah slapped the fork out of his hand.

"Why didn't you say?!" She had her hands in her hair, aghast. Jareth said nothing, and so Sarah got up to have a rummage in the kitchen drawers. The fae watched her curiously as she threw things out of the drawer in haste. Finally she found what she was looking for, and set down some plastic cutlery. "I'm sorry." She finally said, not looking at him. "I had a super stressful week at work, and then Hoggle visits, and—" Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose. "I just didn't think I'd have a house guest for a while."

"I can still leave." Jareth spoke.

Sarah wasn't sure why that thought filled her with dread, but it did.

"No. I want you to stay." She did her best to ignore the hopeful smile that spread across his face. "But we're going to have to get you some new clothes."

 

* * *

 

Clothes shopping with Jareth was a nightmare. He didn't even entertain the men's section, making a beeline for the women's fashion instead.

Sarah spent nearly two hours outside the changing rooms, telling him he looked fine, just pick a damn thing already.

He then stood before her again, waiting. Sarah looked up, and promptly choked.

He was wearing a crop top that said "Sorry I'm Late. I Was Masturbating". Sarah nearly had a coughing fit before she stammered, "Y-You can't wear that..!"

"Why not?" He tilted his head, genuinely confused.

"Because it's vulgar!" Sarah hissed.

"So, the matching undergarments won't do either..?" He held up a g-string, and Sarah wailed.

'Bottom Bitch.' it read. Unbeknownst to Sarah, Jareth was completely illiterate to the ways of the written word. Something she would find out soon enough.

"No. No it will not."

Food shopping was even worse.

_'Does it have lumps?'_

_'What kind of vegetable is that supposed to resemble?'_

_'What in gods name is an Oreo?'_

Sarah just grit her teeth, envying the mothers who had to deal with screaming toddlers. Give her a wailing baby with diaper rash any day.

Finally they were on the way home. Jareth was a terrible passenger; when he wasn't sticking his head out of the window, he was asking every five seconds "What's that?" Or "What does this button do?"

He kept trying to touch the gearstick, and Sarah was tempted to break all of a sudden given that Jareth protested to wearing his seatbelt.

_'Just stay calm, Sarah... You can handle this; you've handled worse...'_ She told herself, breathing deeply.

In order to keep his mouth busy with something besides talking, Sarah stopped at a drive-thru. Thank God he had the palate of a child... Jareth inhaled his Happy Meal, and Sarah nearly cried with joy. Silence. Blissful silence...

 

* * *

 

Sarah had just finished putting the groceries away when she heard possibly the most obscene slurping noise coming from the next room.

As it turned out, the ex-King of the goblins could eat his body weight and still be peckish.

"Hollow legs?" She tsked as Jareth finished yet another tin of peaches in syrup (whilst he wore a garish pair of marigold gloves on his hands to stop the fork from scalding him). They clashed horribly with the black and orange kimono. Why she'd spent over $50 on a new wardrobe for him, she had no idea. He clearly wasn't going to wear anything else.

"Is that a human metaphor?" He eyed her warily, syrup dripping off his chin. Not on the—

Rug.

"You're cleaning that up." Sarah pointed to the floor. "And yes, it was a human expression. Get used to them."

"Do we have any more of these?" He waved the empty tin at her, his face expectant.

"No." Sarah spat. She left the room before returning with a bucket and sponge. "Clean the carpet, and I _might_ buy some more."

Jareth bit his lip before sighing loudly.

" **Now, Jareth.** " 

 

* * *

 

Jareth had used magic to get rid of the syrup stain. Obviously. But Sarah had set the ground rules after that, telling him that he couldn't use magic for household tasks - that he was to do things the Above Ground way.

He didn't like that.

"It does not take heed!" Jareth seethed, half tangled in the bedsheets.

"Like this." Sarah demonstrated. She turned the duvet cover inside out before grabbing the corners of the duvet from inside it, and inverting the whole thing. She shook it a few times, and the whole sheet settled neatly. "See?"

"What are you doing..?!" Jareth panicked when Sarah pulled the duvet back out again.

"You're going to show me _you_ can do it." She had to fight to keep the self satisfied smirk off her face. But she told herself this was for his benefit - he had to learn how to make his bed for goodness sake! She wasn't going to be his housemaid.

After a few bungled attempts, Jareth finally got the hang of it. Sarah took the time to watch him while he was busy fighting his bedsheets, unaware to how much the sight was bringing a whole different smirk to her face.

Sarah then spoke when Jareth sat on his bed, exhausted.

"Get some rest. I've booked you an appointment at the clinic tomorrow."

"What is a clinic..?" Jareth was doing that genuinely confused look again, and Sarah couldn't find it in her heart to tease him.

"It's a place where they check your health." She explained patiently. _'And all the possible venereal diseases...'_ She added mentally.

"Ahh, so a shaman."

"No." Sarah sighed, close to laugher now. Exhaustion - that's what it was.

"So a witch..?" He chanced.

"Go to bed, mister..." Sarah shook her head with a smirk. "I'll give you a wakeup call in the morning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More crack to come soon. Got a lot of prompts to fill before, and also new chapters for my ongoing Laby fics~


	3. Visit to the Man Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth has to go to the clinic. Hilarity ensues.  
> (AMAZING illustration courtesy of emmakescomics)

Sarah woke up with the rare feeling of a good night's sleep. It didn't last long when she realised why she'd set an alarm that morning. It was her day off from work, and Sarah was taking her new lodger to the clinic to get him tested.  
  
She told herself it was because she didn't want it on her conscience should he stick his dick in anyone Above Ground, and subsequently give them every venereal disease in the book.  
  
He was free to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted after all. Sarah pushed down a stray pang of jealousy, replacing it instead with indignance. She didn't care. She had nothing to be jealous of. And she certainly didn't want him in her bed after what he'd been up to. Even if he was fully clothed and wrapped in clingfilm...  
  
Slowly Sarah got herself dressed, and ran a brush through her hair. She saw no point in having a shower if she were to be accompanying Jareth to the clinic - those places were dirtier than the outside world. She'd have a shower when she got home.  
  
Sarah thought of knocking on his door, but decided against it. She'd probably never get this kind of chance again... The door slowly opened, and Sarah peeked inside. Jareth was lying face down in bed, his hair a birds nest. Sarah tried not to chuckle at the sight.  
  
As she walked into the room, he rolled onto his back in his sleep. Sarah's eyes boggled when a certain part of his anatomy tented the bedsheets.  
  
No. No no no.  
  
Sarah silently panicked, walking backwards. If she could just get to the door, she could get back into the hallway, and knock like a civilised person - like she should've done in the first place.  
  
Except Jareth mumbled her name in his sleep before moaning, and Sarah in her distraction tripped over a box and fell flat onto her ass with a thud, but not before upending a bookshelf, and turning the room into what looked like an exploded library.  
  
Jareth slowly opened his eyes and took in the scene of chaos around him. He hadn't been asleep at all, but Sarah didn't need to know that. The fae sat up, causing the bedsheets to slip down his nude form, puddling suggestively around his erection.  
  
"Are you quite alright, precious?" Jareth tilted his head watching her. He kept his face innocently neutral. And then made to get up, the sheets slipping lower—  
  
"I'M FINE!" Sarah stood up and waved her arms. Jareth sat back down, every muscle around his mouth fighting not to smirk. She was turning bright red, and he felt himself twitch at the sight. "You have to get dressed though. We're going out, remember?"  
  
"Oh." Jareth felt a swell of panic. He didn't like shamans... Or man-witches...  
  
Sensing his sudden unease, Sarah reached out and patted his shoulder in what she hoped was a comforting manner. "It'll be fine." She spoke.

 

* * *

  
  
It was not fine.

When asked to provide a urine sample, Jareth had left the room with an indignant growl. He found Sarah in the waiting room and wasted no time in screaming at the top of his lungs that she was a traitor, and that she would have to drag him back to the brothel kicking and screaming.  
  
Sarah and the nurse explained to him (patiently) that this wasn't some kinky preamble, and that his urine was needed for testing. Jareth calmed down after that - but only when Sarah bribed him with extra fries once they passed the nearest McDonalds.

Sarah sat in the chair outside Jareth's cubicle. The fae wasn't exactly pleased with the 'peasant garb' he'd been made to wear, his glutes clenching everytime the breeze fluttered. This was an outrage! He was the King—

"I'd very much like to return home, Sarah..." He whimpered, his identity now in tatters.

"Just piss in the cup, man." Sarah was rubbing her temples. "The faster you do that, the faster we can go..."

 

_(illustration by emmakescomics)_

Jareth bit his lip, an idea forming. "Sarah..?" Sarah made a noise of acknowledgement from behind the curtain. "Could you perhaps get one of the nurses..? I have a— _personal problem..?"_ He whispered.

Sarah suddenly felt terrible. She'd dragged him all the way here, to be prodded and poked, and god only knew what else. Of course it was for his benefit, but now she was in a more understanding place. "Yeah sure..." She went off to get one of the nurses, and pointed to Jareth's cubicle. It wasn't her place to stay and gawk, so Sarah went to the clinic's café to allow the man some dignity.

After all, he was the King—

No. No he was not.

"I have to stop calling him that..." Sarah muttered.

Jareth relaxed when he heard Sarah's footsteps taper off. When he was sure she was gone, he turned to the nurse. She gave him an expectant look. "Your lady friend says you have somewhat of a personal problem..?"

"I do." Jareth nodded, his eyes mismatched, but equally serious. "My question is this..." The nurse leaned in a little, waiting. "How do I get her to fall in love with me. It's very important."

The nurse merely gawped for a moment, not having expected that sort of question. "Sir, I'm paid to deal in matters of medicine." She stated, her voice becoming tired. "I'm not some kind of agony aunt."

"But this is a matter of the heart, so surely, it's your responsibility!" Jareth hissed, already fed up. These people. So unhelpful!

"Sir." Jareth squinted; again with that title! He was not a sir! He was a KING— Oh, and here came the tears... "Have you finished with your sample?" She nodded to the cup in his hand.

 **"You're not listening!"** Jareth was gesturing angrily now, the nurse ducking from side to side as the contents in the cup were jostled. "I've found the woman of my dreams, but I must **court** her! She's frightfully stubborn, but I know she wants this..." He muttered.

"Sir—"

"And another thing—!" Jareth continued, unaware that there was now piss all over the floor. "I'm pretty sure I pay your taxes, or whatever bartering system it is you use in this godforsaken hell hole... Is it sheep? Do you use sheep?" Jareth's brow suddenly furrowed; he had no sheep.

"SIR." The nurse glowered at him, and Jareth finally regarded her. His nose crinkled.

"Why are you so sweaty, witch?" He asked, oblivious to the now empty cup in his hand.

 

* * *

 

Jareth pouted, sitting on the edge of the bed. Sarah was sat beside him out of solidarity - and because the security staff had alerted her to her companion's strange and apparently perverted behaviour. She'd managed to circumvent a possible arrest when she lied, telling them she was Jareth's carer, and that he was a very special individual. Now that she thought about it a little more deeply, that wasn't exactly far from the truth.

"I can't believe you threw your piss on a nurse..." Sarah sighed, tempted to bump his shoulder, but deciding against it at the last minute. They were waiting for his test results. Jareth was made to fill another urine sample cup along with doing some pin-prick blood tests. The latter he was not so thrilled about.

"I can't believe you let them take my blood..." He grumped. "First rule of shamans - don't give them your blood!" He hissed, and Sarah tried to shush him, worried that someone would overhear.

"For the last time, this isn't a shaman! There are no witches! No... necromancers!" She whispered angrily. "So just sit there and be patient! And **quiet!"** Sarah folded her arms, looking away.

Jareth, never one to stand long silences, piped up less than a minute later. "Sarah, I have a question." Sarah's eyes slowly travelled to the fae, scowling. "You see... I have this friend—"

"No you don't." Sarah interrupted. "I said be quiet, didn't I?" Jareth sighed loudly, but said nothing more.

When Jareth was about to make an excuse to leave the cubicle, the curtain was promptly pulled back. A man entered, closing it behind him, his patient's privacy in mind. He gave Jareth a warm, sympathetic look. "Hello there, Jareth." Jareth's eyes widened when he noticed the man's name tag; It read, 'S. Haman.'. The fae made a whimpering sort of noise, leaning against Sarah, and her arm came to wrap around him automatically. Only some seconds later did she realise what she'd done. "I have some... Interesting news."

"Interesting, how?" Sarah decided to speak up. Jareth seemed in no fit state, his eyes still boggling, and fixed on the name tag. _Boggling goblin..._

"Well... And I have to say, it's probably just a fluke..." Sarah lifted her eyebrows, urging him to go on. "Well, some of the tests... Their results changed halfway through processing, and we had to run them again to make sure. Jareth, you don't have a single sexually transmitted disease." Jareth blinked. That's what this was for?! He'd assumed Sarah had meant his _general_ health. The doctor shifted awkwardly before continuing. "You have every single one. Well... **_Had_** every single one..."

"Wait, what?!" Sarah was standing now in her surprise, and Jareth had to put a hand out to stop himself flopping sideways onto the bed.

"The syphilis reading changed mid-screening. We did a second check on your AIDS test, and that vanished after the first positive reading... It's now negative." The man was astounded, having to take a seat now. "You had both types of HPV, even though you don't have a cervix... I just... It's weird!" The doctor paused, realising his lack of professionalism. "I think we should run the tests again, just to make certain it wasn't a mixup in the lab."

Sarah was in agreement. Jareth wasn't pleased. Now the shaman would have **more** blood!

 

* * *

 

Apparently Jareth had none of the fatal or nastier diseases. But he had 'the clap'. And a rash on his balls, and that was the worst of it.

Sarah couldn't believe what she was hearing. His own body had healed itself of AIDS, but it couldn't get rid of gonorrhoea?! When the doctor had ducked out of the room again, Jareth had given her a look. Sarah recognised that look. It was the look Toby gave Irene and her father when they took him to the dentist instead of Disneyland.

"Don't." Sarah narrowed her eyes. Jareth narrowed his eyes further in response. "I had to make sure you weren't gonna drop dead on me, OK?" She hissed. Jareth was about to speak when the doctor interrupted them again. Typical! Everytime he got close to scaling her walls, there was some sort of bloody interference!!!

"Mister... Jareth?" Jareth scowled darkly, but said nothing. "Your tests results look much better. I think we can safely say there was a mixup. I'm sorry if we worried you unjustly..." Jareth grunted. "You have chlamydia and gonorrhoea, but we've sent down a prescription to the pharmacy, and you can pick up your antibiotics before you leave." Jareth hmphed. "But before you go... I would strongly recommend telling any previous partners about your diagnosis—" The fae sat up straighter, clinging to Sarah's arm. It was a trap! He knew it!

Sarah sensed his distress and sighed. "I'll take care of it." She nodded. Jareth seemed to relax against her after that. Like hell was she going to the Underground to tell those two-bit strumpets that they might have god knows what festering between their legs. Let them figure it out, she thought rather cruelly.

 

* * *

 

Jareth sighed, his head leaning against the car window.

"Jareth, eat your fries before they go cold..." Sarah muttered. "Anyway, it was good news, really. Some of those nastier diseases..." She shuddered, unable to finish the thought. Jareth was then holding the box of fries up to her face.

"M'not hungry..." He muttered.

"Jareth..." Sarah pouted, firmly in mothering-mode. "You're supposed to have your antibiotics with food. C'mon... I'm sure you can finish those. For me?"

Jareth wanted to scream. For how dare she pull the 'for me' card?! He'd been there one night, and she already had him at her mercy. _"She-devil..."_ He whispered, stuffing his face with a glare.

 

* * *

 

Sarah had invited Hoggle round for the rest of the day. Ludo and Didymus were off exploring, but the dwarf was free for some coffee and a friendly chat. Jareth was lurking somewhere in the house in a veritable mood. Best to leave him to it, she thought. He had a lot to process today, after all.

"I'm so glad you're alright..." Sarah poured Hoggle a second cup, repeating herself for possibly the fifth time now. "I thought the worst—"

"Old Hoggle runs fast! Don't you worry about me." He laughed.

Sarah chuckled, feeling herself relax, finally. What a day... "I don't think Jareth's my biggest fan..." She then proceeded to fill Hoggle in on the day's events, keeping some of the more delicate details to herself for Jareth's sake.

"Well... If I'm honest Sarah, you could roll around in the bog, and it wouldn't put _him_ off..." Hoggle muttered scathingly. Sarah deserved better than that. And everyone and their mother knew how badly the fae had it for Sarah Williams.

"What do you mean?"

Everyone except Sarah Williams, that was...

"Well, I'll let ya in on a little secret... Y'see—"

 _**"I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU..."**   _Jareth's voice suddenly reverberated around the room, although he wasn't there at all. Sarah looked at the dwarf, confused.  
  
"Oh, he only throws his voice when he's in the can..." Hoggle chortled. Jareth paled. _'That bastard!'_  
  
**_"Hoggle, don't you dare! HOGGLE..!"_** There was suddenly a loud flush, and Sarah couldn't keep the grin off her face.  
  
"Basically when a girl goblin beats a boy goblin, it's pretty much a rule that they start courting immediately after—" Jareth's bootsteps thundered down the stairs. "So when you beat him..! That got him all interested..!" The door swung open, and Jareth was holding up his riding crop menacingly. Hoggle then grinned, taking a step behind Sarah. "And when you didn't come back—"  
  
"HOGGLE." Jareth's face was bright red.  
  
"He got all forlorn, and wrote poetry!" Hoggle laughed, pointing at the man.  
  
"THOSE WERE ROYAL LETTERS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Jareth raced over to Sarah, and Hoggle snickered, rushing around the dinner table to evade his wrath.  
  
**_"You~! Were~! Crying~!"_** The dwarf sing-songed.  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES?! I HAD DUST IN MY EYE!" Jareth was skipping to catch up with the smaller man, and Sarah then noticed a few sheets of toilet paper stuck to his boot. And promptly broke down into most ugly, snorting laughter either of the men had ever heard.  
  
Jareth and Hoggle both stopped to watch her as she slid to the floor, still cackling.  
  
Jareth was the worst roommate ever. He was loud, annoying, selfish, and prettier than her..! But Sarah hadn't laughed this much in years... Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all?  
  
Once Sarah had calmed down, Hoggle and Jareth resumed in turning on each other again.  
  
"Cry baby!"  
  
"Pipsqueak!" Jareth roared. Hoggle's eyebrows lowered.  
  
_"You take that back..."_ He whispered.  
  
"Pipsqueak! Pipsqueak!" Jareth laughed. "Nasty, rotten, little pipsqueak!" Jareth then squealed when the dwarf launched a ladle at him. "SO HELP ME, HIGGLE—"  
  
"You'll do what?!" Hoggle was feeling rather brave now with Sarah to bear witness. "Write some more pages in your diary?"  
  
Jareth bellowed, jumping over the table, but Hoggle ducked too late, and fell to the floor. He immediately pushed the other man off - which wasn't too difficult. Jareth had bones like a bird, and weighed even less than Hoggle. He might even give Didymus a run for his money...  
  
Sarah watched the scene with a giant grin on her face. And cleared her throat. "Oh would you two just hold each other tenderly, and get it over with?" Both men looked at each other in horror before making equally disgusted sounds, jumping to their feet.  
  
Jareth suddenly had a flashback of a memory he'd tried desperately to repress...

 

* * *

 

Jareth's face fell when he saw just who his client for the evening was. Well. Never let it be said that he wasn't a total professional...  
  
"Jareth..?" Hoggle shuffled into the room. The fae's response was a glum whine in the back of his throat. Oh god... "I've come to—"  
  
"Stop." Jareth's finger was over the other man's mouth. **_"No words..."_** He could just about pretend this wasn't happened - all he had to do was close his eyes... With a sigh he dropped to his knees, and Hoggle's eyes flew open wide in panic.  
  
"Jareth, no—!"  
  
Jareth nodded, getting to his feet. "You're right; you're too short, it'll never work." Hoggle put his hands over his face. "Probably if you stood on a chair—"  
  
_"Jareth..."_  
  
"I mean, yes that could work..." He grabbed a chair, dragging it over.  
  
"JARETH." The fae stopped in his tracks, staring at Hoggle. "I'm not here for _that!"_ The dwarf spat.  
  
Jareth's knees went weak for a second. "Oh thank god..." Hoggle tsked as the man sagged in relief. "I mean... I'm not one to **balk** but—"  
  
"Jareth—"  
  
"It would've been tough, that's all I'm saying..! But I like to think I'm a _professional—!"_  
  
**"Jareth..!"** Jareth paused again. Hoggle's eyes were sad. "Even _you're_ too good for _this_ place." He whispered. After everything the fae had put him through, Hoggle should've felt some satisfaction in the way things had turned out. But he didn't. "Why don't you come back with me?"  
  
"Stay..? With you?" Jareth mulled it over for all of five seconds before his face screwed up in suspicion. "Oh I see..."  
  
_"Jareth..."_  
  
"Get me alone, sans establishment..." He squinted. "I bet the things you like are against the rules here— **Depraved** , even..!"  
  
"JARETH FOR GODS SAKE!"  
  
"WELL YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE, DWARF!" Jareth hissed before realising the error of his words. "No... I bet you're into that— DON'T stick it up your arse—!"  
  
"I'll be back in a week." Hoggle seethed before making for the door. "With help this time..." He whispered, shutting it behind him.  
  
Help had consisted of Ludo, and Sir Didymus.  
  
Ludo was not much help as it happened, unable to disguise himself at all. Jareth had made security throw the creature out.  
  
Hoggle was almost ripping his hair out at the sight of him. "I told you to blend in!!" He screeched. Ludo was covered in glitter, and wearing a pair of nipple pasties.  
  
**"Ludo feel pretty..."** He hummed, his clawed hands playing with the tassels.  
  
The next time it had been Didymus who ventured bravely in. Except he'd come out with a membership card (already half stamped), and his furry face covered in lipstick marks.  
  
"What..?" He tilted his head. Hoggle screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos make my heart soar lmao
> 
> Also the hollow bones idea was Monarobot's originally ;3


	4. Love Descends on Those Defenceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah woos Jareth. Hoggle is not impressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More crack, twinned with a smidge of angst. And some fluff to finish. Because this fic needs it...

Jareth wasn't supposed to feel ashamed - the pamphlet said so. He'd gotten Hoggle to relay the entire thing to him after they'd stopped tearing chunks out of one another.  
  
Sarah was just glad they were being quiet.  
  
Jareth shuffled into the kitchen, his face the epitome of glum. Hoggle trundled along behind him, resisting the perverse urge to kick the backs of his knees.  
  
It was strange suddenly not having to cower and hide from the man.  
  
The fae sat down with a put upon sigh. Sarah glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. Well. He'd had a tough day... "Are you hungry?" Jareth made a noise in agreement. "I'll fix you something." Hoggle's face was a picture.  
  
Jareth watched Sarah without subtlety, his eyes widening when he saw just what it was she was making. Hoggle paled.  
  
And she had no idea...  
  
Sarah sat the bowl down in front of him a moment later, handing him a plastic spoon. "Hope you like oatmeal." She chuckled, missing Jareth's overwhelmed little face.  
  
He inhaled it, in absolute heaven. Oats **and** milk. What more could a fae want?! And was that _honey..?_ Jareth made a strange trilling sound, and Sarah spun to look at him.  
  
"Was that you..?" She asked. What a strange sound for him to make if it was. Jareth nodded. Sarah noticed his cheeks were bright pink. "You like it?" He nodded again, holding out the now empty bowl. "Alright, one more..." She shook her head with a barely concealed smirk.  
  
Once she popped down another bowl in front of her houseguest, Hoggle tugged on Sarah's sleeve. When they were in the next room, he spoke. "You shouldn't have done that..."  
  
"Gave him oatmeal..?" Sarah squinted. "Y'know he's had a pretty embarrassing day, all things considered. I'm not gonna starve him on top of that—"  
  
"NO." Hoggle was almost jumping on the spot. "What I _mean_ is, that was a pretty big come on, just then!"  
  
Sarah's eyes narrowed further. "Maybe where _you_ come from." She hissed. "But Above Ground, we're not that backward and sexist—"  
  
"It has nothing to do with _making_ him food - it's what you **used!** " Hoggle's hands were in his hair. "Ever read those stories about fae? Feed em with milk? Keep the goblins happy with oats?!" Sarah's eyes widened in understanding. "You didn't add something _sweet_ did you..?"  
  
"Honey." Sarah whispered. Hoggle was incandescent.

 

* * *

 

Some weeks later, it was over morning toast that Sarah (without tact) asked of Jareth a question that had been running through her mind for some time.  
  
"If I hadn't taken off the mask, how far would you have gone that day?"  
  
Jareth made a choking noise, inhaling some of his peach marmalade toast before coughing it back up. Sarah watched him take a gulp of tea, feeling slightly guilty.  
  
"Sarah..." He began, eyes pointing to the floor. "You already _know_ the answer to that question." His tone was clipped, and rather skittish. Sarah should have known better, and dropped it right then and there.  
  
But Sarah, for reasons even she couldn't understand, had to hear him say it. Morbid curiosity? Just to get the awkward question out of the way so they could move on from it? Perhaps as fuel for her late night thoughts and imaginings? And Sarah did so like to imagine late at night...  
  
For the last three days, Sarah had found herself thinking of him upon orgasm. It meant nothing, she told herself. The first time had been out of sheer stubbornness; just to prove to herself that he had no power over her.  
  
Except she'd came so hard that night that Jareth had banged on her door, worried she'd awoken from some sort of nightmare.  
  
For the next two nights Sarah had bit the pillow, mentally chanting his name.  
  
But still his past, and his exploits Underground, had her putting up more walls. A part of her wanted to push the boundaries. That part wanted him. Craved him. But it was also too pigheaded and set in its ways to admit that.  
  
Sarah had worked it all out years ago. She'd meet a nice man. He'd be her first, and she his. They'd court, and then marry, and then children seemed the next logical step.  
  
He would not steal her brother. He would not sell his body for sex. And he certainly wouldn't be a walking STD factory!  
  
Sarah had denied herself of any man, content in the fact that the right one would come along some day. The One. He'd whisk her off her feet, and they'd live happily ever after. Perhaps ride into the sunset on a horse.  
  
Except even before the Labyrinth, Sarah knew this was likely unattainable. She'd seen her parents divorce one another. She'd seen love disappear. Maybe that was why she clung so desperately to that faerietale dream. Why she obsessed so hard over her _own_ happy ending.  
  
"I have one more question." Sarah chanced, watching as Jareth fidgeted. "You never answered it that day..." Jareth wrapped his hands around his mug of tea, eyes nervous and looking every which way but her. "How many other women did you call that?"

 

* * *

 

_Jareth's hands were on the front of her dress, slowly starting to unbutton it. "What is it, Precious?" He hummed, laying a kiss to her throat._

_Sarah suddenly felt her blood run cold. "Stop." He did, to his credit. "How many women have you called that?"_

 

* * *

  
  
The fae bit his tongue, every inch of him wishing to divulge. It was in his nature to tell the truth after all. But it was also in his nature to come on far too strong, and ruin any rapport they'd built.  
  
And he wanted to do it right this time.  
  
If he admitted that he imagined her - every time - whilst doing _that..._ Surely she would be disgusted. Horrified even?  
  
"It's just a word..." He winced.  
  
Sarah's heart sank in that moment. So she hadn't been precious to him after all.  
  
"I think I understand." She nodded. Sarah pushed her plate to the side, suddenly less hungry. "I've got to go to work, but I'll see you  tonight?"  
  
Jareth didn't comment on the fact that her shift didn't start for another three hours. Nor that her walk to work only took nine minutes. So he'd somehow fucked up again it seemed.  
  
Time to bend someone _else's_ ear about this...

 

* * *

  
  
Hoggle groaned as Jareth circled him, kimono a-swish. "Higgle, I'm at a loss here." He tsked, ignoring Hoggle's constant flinching. And not noticing that it was because half of his Royal Jewels were presently hanging out, swaying menacingly towards the man with each step.  
  
"Jareth..." Hoggle was now holding a hand in his periphery, lest he go blind. It was an odd sort of relationship they had. Neither master nor servant anymore, but the fae obviously hadn't gotten the memo, content to drag Hoggle out of bed in the middle of the night. In Jareth's defence, he still hasn't gotten used to the time difference...  
  
"Look, Higwart—" Hoggle growled under his breath. Jareth chalked it up to indigestion. "I have no idea what to do. I tell the truth, she smashes a mirror, and runs away. I tell a lie— _which really hurt by the way..._ " He was holding his side, clearly in discomfort. "And I'm **still** doing something wrong! What does she want from me?!"  
  
"I'm gonna just throw it out there, so don't go getting your knickers in a twist..." Hoggle mumbled. "But maybe she just doesn't _like_ you like that."  
  
"And maybe I am not the most gorgeous creature in this hellhole of a realm." Jareth said, hand on hip. "But we both know that's not true either."  
  
Hoggle folded his arms. His tiny piggy eyes glared out from under his eyebrows. "Maybe Sarah's not as _shallow_ as you are. Maybe she wants someone with a **brain** under all that hair!"  
  
Jareth made a shrieking sort of sound. "Hogbrain, how could you?!" Hoggle merely rolled his eyes, used to the man's theatrics by now. "And why can't she have both? Sarah deserves that..." He was circling Hoggle again, one ball flapping. "I like to think I'm a very intelligent man..."  
  
Hoggle continued to glare. "If you're so smart, tell me why you've had one nut hanging out for this entire conversation."  
  
There was a tense moment of silence before Jareth responded. "It's a popular way of dress Above Grou—"  
  
**"NO IT'S NOT!"**

 

* * *

 

Jareth and Hoggle finally decided on a truce, and the ex Goblin King managed to finagle the man's help in the kitchen.

Except teaching Jareth to cook wasn't going down so well...

"It's the thought that counts." Hoggle chanced.  
  
Jareth was having none of it. "The thought will count for nothing if dear Sarah gets food poisoning." He hissed. "I can't impress her with that!"  
  
"Impress..?" Hoggle's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Did I say impress..?" Jareth's eyes were a touch wider, but he quickly made himself look unabashed. "I meant..."  
  
There was a long silence, and Jareth then went back to the cooking book.  
  
"Just because you didn't finish that sentence doesn't mean I've forgotten what you said." Hoggle grumped.  
  
"I don't know what you mean, Hedgewart. Now." Hoggle made a seething sort of sound behind him. "Fetch the whisk. That's the instrument that looks like this." Jareth held up the book, tapping with one finger at the photo.  
  
**"I know what a whisk is!"** The dwarf erupted. Jareth just stared at him.  
  
"No need to **shout** , Higgle..." The fae went back to flipping through the book. "Have you any idea what a-" He squinted, practicing the pronunciation a few times in his head before deciding on the best one. "Lin-gwanny is..?"  
  
Hoggle sighed. "Linguine." Jareth's shoulders hunched shyly. (To his credit, he was picking up the alphabet very quickly.) "It's a kind of pasta." He explained patiently.  
  
"Can I make it in the microwave..?" The fae chanced hopefully.  
  
**"No."**

 

* * *

  
  
"How am I supposed to impress Sarah with this?!" Jareth pointed at the abortion made food. With a flick of his wrist, he'd banished it from the room. Except Jareth's magic was now waning to the point that anything banished just found itself at the end of the garden.  
  
With the amount of dishes they'd ruined in the last hour, it was already starting to look like a miniature Bog.  
  
"Just order takeout." Hoggle rolled his eyes, and was met with a glare.  
  
"No." Jareth hissed. He had to make her something. Something delicious. Something that would perk her up after a long day at her shit job. Something— _"That's it..!"_ He whispered.  
  
"What's it..?"  
  
Jareth ignored the dwarf, skipping around the kitchen instead to rifle though one of the cupboards. He held up a sachet, and Hoggle sighed wearily.

 

* * *

 

Sarah practically threw her coat onto its hook by the front door. She was too exhausted to care if it had fallen off. With a groan she kicked off her pinchy shoes, and shuffled in her sweaty socks down the corridor.

What a day. What a shit, shit day. She avoided the kitchen, hearing Jareth making noise. Sarah was too smart to bother him when he was 'creating'. And she was even smarter not to offer to taste any of his 'creations'. She wasn't even sure why he was trying to cook by himself. Sarah had tried already to teach him, but Jareth couldn't even boil water without setting something on fire. She wondered fleetingly if she should call 911 in advance...  
  
She made a beeline for the armchair in the sitting room, taking the house phone with her, just in case. Too bushed to shower, she flopped down and wrapped the Snuggie that she kept nearby around herself.  
  
After a few minutes of dozing, Sarah made a surprised sound when she heard something next to her. Opening her eyes, she saw a cup of tea on the small side table. She looked up to see Jareth holding out a bowl.  
  
"You've had a bad day, yes..?" He chanced. Sarah nodded dumbly. The fae placed the bowl in her now lifted hands with a shy smile.  
  
Hoggle (who had overseen Jareth's microwaving of said porridge, lest the man managed somehow to make it explode) was now stood off to one side, watching the two with an incredulous look.  
  
The fucker had only gone and done it. The look on Sarah's face suggested that Hoggle had been wrong to dismiss the idea of the two of them somehow in some parallel universe getting it on.  
  
Dear god, their children would have the weirdest eyebrows...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor agony aunt Hoggle... He's basically just going to be Jareth's go-to-guy 99% of the time.


	5. Lost My Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Jareth puts his pride to one side in order to do right by Sarah. But no one said getting a job was easy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncensored illustration by the WONDERFUL emmakescomics. Full credit of that dialogue and fuckery goes to her. I merely transcribed it...

Sarah couldn't believe that it had taken her four days to realise that Jareth's self proclaimed 'dicky eye' was in fact completely blind.  
  
She'd been loitering to his left side, glaring down at him one morning as he ate her last portion of cereal. It'd been marked clearly. Hers.  
  
Sarah had cleared her throat, and Jareth had clutched his chest before he made a strange kind of trilling noise, falling backwards off the chair.

"Y'know that serves you right, don't you?" Sarah glared down at him. Jareth's eyes travelled from her face then to her legs. And then slowly crept higher. Sarah growled, clutching her dressing gown more tightly around herself. "You fucking pig, remind me why I house you?" She seethed, stalking to the other side of the kitchen. There had to be something else to eat in this shit hole... Except she slammed the sparse cabinet shut upon further inspection. "We need money..." Sarah groaned. "I just paid the rent, and I don't have enough for much else now for the rest of the month." It was microwave oatmeal, and ramen until her neck paycheque, Sarah thought bitterly.

Jareth's face was thoughtful. And here he was living with her for free, not contributing anything (besides his sparkling personality). He then had a wonderful idea. "I suppose I can—"  
  
"Jareth if the next words out of your mouth are 'sell my ass for money' then I suggest you shut it."  
  
Jareth did just that, pouting.  
  
"But I guess you could try and get a job anyway. A legal one." She smiled, her face hopeful.  
  
The fae stood there a moment. Now, Jareth was never one you'd call lazy - far from it. _But..._ "Do I _have_ to..?" He sighed. Sarah shrugged, trying to hide her disappointment - and failing. She didn't suit that expression at all, he reasoned, swallowing any pride. "There aren't any positions for Kings going begging, I expect?"  
  
"Doubt it." Sarah chuckled. "That's not your _only_ talent, Jareth." He swelled at that. She thought he had potential..! How adorable.  
  
"And what talents would those be?" He snickered.  
  
"Well... You're good at babysitting. Toby wasn't on fire when I found him." She tilted her head with a grin. "But you'd have to keep any children away from giant mazes, or staircases. Think you can do that?"  
  
"Impossible." Jareth's smile grew when Sarah let out a bark of laughter. "Is that all?"  
  
Sarah walked to the fridge, grabbing enough accoutrements to make two sandwiches - a peace offering of sorts. That and she didn't like the idea of him eating nothing but sugary crap all the time. Jareth's insides did a somersault, but he stayed silent, watching her. "Well... You're a pretty good singer..." She replied. "There's probably a ton of local bands that'd love you."  
  
"I see..." Jareth gladly took the sandwich Sarah offered him, slumping a little when she didn't meet his eyes. "Then I will do that." He nodded. Sarah turned then, staring at him.  
  
"You mean it?" She could kiss him! She wouldn't; _God only knew what she'd catch if she did, but—_  "Haha!" Sarah patted his cheeks enthusiastically instead.  
  
Luckily for Jareth Sarah didn't notice the kimono starting to tent between them, and she turned back to the counter, finishing her own sandwich.  
  
_"Vixen..."_ Jareth muttered.  
  
"What was that..?" Sarah called out as he shuffled out of the room. Well, whatever it was couldn't have been that important.

 

* * *

 

Hoggle had purloined Jareth's best clothes from the Underground in preparation for the man's many upcoming job interviews.  
  
Sarah was in need after all, and the fae was damned if he was going to take advantage - well... Unless she asked him to. _And then only in the bedroom!_  
  
"Higgle, how does this look..?" The tights he wore were extra tight, and Hoggle was astounded that the fabric wasn't tearing. Jareth was also wearing one of his ruffled low cut blouses, this time in black, and a sort of metallic leather jacket with crystal like accents encrusting the shoulders.  
  
"You look like a disco ball..." Sarah had been walking past his open door, her mouth set in a grin. "I didn't know they made leather in _silver..."_ God, he looked gaudy as hell.  
  
Jareth put his nose in the air with a pompous sniff. "It's dragon leather, you gorgeous peasant."  
  
"Gorgeous..?" Sarah scowled. ' _Of course, she'd take umbrage at **that'**_ , Jareth thought bitterly. "Stop being a dick for five minutes, and dress like a normal person. This is **important.** "  
  
"I know..." Jareth was back-brushing his hair in the mirror.  
  
Hoggle looked between the two of them. He couldn't believe that the fae was actually doing this for Sarah. Jareth didn't so much as say bless you when a Royal from another kingdom sneezed... He would even close a door in your face, sooner than open it!  
  
"And you can't wear thigh boots to a job interview..." Sarah was close to screaming. "They're gonna think you're a—" She paused. Well... If they thought he was a hooker, they wouldn't be far off the money. "Just try and look as conservative as you can..?" She sighed before leaving the room.  
  
"Conservative..." Jareth muttered the word scathingly as though it left a bad taste in his mouth. "Hoggle, I love the woman, but she doesn't half talk nonsense..." The fae touched up his eyeliner in the mirror. _"Conservative..!"_ He screeched to himself, throwing the eye pencil then across the room.  
  
"Well... Not a lot of folk in the Above Ground dress as—" Jareth shot Hoggle a filthy look. _" **Wonderfully**_ as you..." Jareth sniffed, nodding. "Sarah just means you'll maybe... Make em think about how badly _they're_ dressed. Doesn't bode well to upset the person who might give you a job." Hoggle braced himself.  
  
"You're absolutely right..." Jareth nodded, and Hoggle sagged in relief. "It may not be _my_ fault that the people here dress worse than dwarves—" Hoggle growled. "But I must be **sensitive** of that... Clearly they have no other option..."  
  
**_"Clearly..."_** Hoggle hissed.  
  
"You know what this means, don't you?" The dwarf shrugged. "I'll need to borrow _Sarah's_ clothes..." The bulge in his tights became more pronounced - as hideous as her wardrobe was, he'd be wearing something she owned. Rubbing against it... It would even _smell_ of her—  
  
"Just... Beat one out before you do, jeez!!!" Hoggle was shielding his eyes, horrified.

 

* * *

  
Jareth was barely ankle deep in one of Sarah's pairs of jeans when the woman entered the room. "What are you doing?!"  
  
"You said to dress conservatively." Jareth hummed as though it were the most natural thing in the world.  
  
_"You're in my room."_ Sarah whispered, but Jareth wasn't listening, trying to adjust the belt to keep the jeans from falling off his spindly hips. **"You're in my room."** She repeated, louder this time. The look on her face was as close to the word 'murderous' as was possible. Hoggle gulped, and Jareth shielded himself behind the dwarf. "Get. Out." She hissed. When the pair did nothing but stare at her agog, she screamed, **"OUT!"**  
  
Hoggle was the first through the door, followed some seconds later by Jareth, who tripped (jeans around his ankles) and fell face first into the doorframe before skittering around it and down the corridor. Sarah followed them, throwing balled up socks.

Less than thirteen minutes later, there was a knock at Jareth's door. Sarah rolled her eyes when she heard Hoggle's unmistakable voice whisper, "It's a trap..!" She knocked again, louder this time, and waited. The doorknob finally turned, and a moment later a wide eye appeared in the narrow gap.

"Jareth." Sarah began. God, he might've been an idiot, with no concept of boundaries or privacy - but he was trying at least. She had to be the bigger man. And of the pair of them, both descriptions fit Sarah better... "Sorry I snapped." She sucked at her teeth for a moment, hating the awkward silence that hung between them. "I don't like people in my room. Ever." Jareth blinked. "Alright?"

"Alright..." Jareth spoke quietly. There was yet more awkward silence, and Sarah tapped her foot. "I'm sorry that I invaded your private quarters, Sarah." He finally added, and her scowl softened. "It won't happen again; that I swear."

Sarah allowed herself a lopsided smirk, holding up her hand. Jareth's gloved one appeared moments later from the gap in the door, and she took it. "Truce?"

"Truce." Jareth smiled. Hoggle groaned from behind the door, one of Jareth's pillows getting a merciless kick.

 

* * *

 

Getting a job wasn't easy at all.

Jareth had somehow (after many hours of begging, and even one instance of banging his fists on the floor in a crumpled, sobbing heap) managed to finagle a temp job cleaning rooms.

Except a couple days in he'd taken offence when told that his new high heels (bought with his first day's pay) weren't 'practical', and had bellowed henceforth that he was in fact The King, and they could stick their job up their arse, and double dip it for all he cared.

"Thank God they paid cash in hand..." Sarah sighed.

Jareth lasted three days - which was a miracle given how much he hated cleaning in the first place, how much he railed against being told what to do, and above all else his infuriating superiority complex.  
  
A thought crossed Sarah's mind suddenly when she counted the cash on the table. However much she wished to ignore it, her inquisitive character just wouldn't allow for that.  
  
"Did you..?" Sarah paused.  
  
Jareth picked up on her train of thought immediately. "Did I sell my body, do you mean?" His tone wasn't accusatory. Sarah nodded quickly. "No." He noted how the woman opposite the table sagged almost in relief. "But I may have promised certain... _Favours_ with no intention of delivering." His eyes gleamed mischievously.  
  
"Well I suppose that's fine..." Sarah smirked. "This'll help with the rent for the month, at least." She then leaned over the table, pointing her teaspoon at him. "But you can't do this every month. Learn to manage your money from now on." She was referring of course to the three inch heeled elephant in the room.  
  
Jareth's lips curled up further. "You can't deny, these shoes are fantastic." He nudged her calf under the table.  
  
**"Watch it..."** Sarah hated how she couldn't quite school the smile off her face - which only made Jareth smile wider. "Yes, they're pretty. And I'll beat you with them if I find you've gotten bored of wearing them after five days. Got it?"  
  
The fae tilted his head. "Got it..."

 

* * *

 

Just a couple days later, Jareth was creeping through the house one evening. Well, closer to three in the morning if you wanted to get technical.

Sarah stirred, her eyes wide and alert. Jareth usually raided the kitchen at 1 O'Clock. Sarah's eyes then slowly travelled to her digital alarm - far too late for him... Getting up, she grabbed the baseball bat from under her bed. Jareth couldn't be counted on to beat up a burglar; she wouldn't trust him with a butter knife, let alone any kind of actual weapon.

Down the stairs she crept, her bat raised, and ready to crack skulls if need be. When Sarah rounded the corner to the laundry room, she dropped the bat with a clatter. Jareth spun around, his eyes wide and guilty.

"Is that..?" Jareth turned away, his posture one of intense embarrassment. "Oh, Jareth..." Sarah came up behind him, a hand lifting to rest on his shoulder. "How long?"

"Today is my second day..." He whispered.

"And you were just gonna keep it from me..?" She chuckled. "You could've said. Instead of sneaking in here..."

"Yes, I know that now..."

Jareth had just gotten his uniform out of the dryer, and was about to leave the house for his early morning shift.

At McDonalds.

"Y'know... I would've expected you to at least spring for _Burger King—_ " She then broke down laughing, and Jareth whirled around, his face as red as his shirt.

"THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU!"

"Have you met Ronald McDonald?" Sarah cackled, following him out and into the corridor. "Do they let you supersize your lunch?"

 

* * *

 

Jareth was promptly let go that very morning. Apparently eating your feelings in french fries was only permissible if you limited yourself to one box per shift. Jareth on the other hand had a lot of feelings - feelings that roughly translated to an entire bag of potatoes in any one sitting.

Where it all went in his wiry body, was anyone's guess.

Not to mention the fact that his uniform had caused problems.

Jareth had magically altered his work shirt more billowy, and the pants tighter. And, people had noticed...

 

"I'm working with what I've been given!" He'd stated hotly. "And that's not a lot!!" Jareth continued his tirade for a further twelve minutes. When told to change into something more 'conservative', Jareth had seen red, throwing his hat into the deep fat fryer before storming out.

Sarah stopped laughing when the money stopped coming in. "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad about working in fast food..." She hummed the next day, microwaving the last bowl of oatmeal for him. This was Sarah's second peace offering - the first had been a Burger King crown; something that hadn't gone down so well...

 

**_"I can't believe you!"_ **

_"Get a sense of humour, The King!"_

**_"You're impossible!!!"_ **

 

"Sarah sometimes I think you're out to sabotage me..." Jareth grumbled, about to put the plastic spoon of piping hot oats right into his mouth—

"Hey!" Sarah grabbed his elbow, and Jareth scowled. "I'm not taking you to the emergency room. **Again.** " She narrowed her eyes, remembering what had happened the last time...

 

* * *

 

_"Alright, you **ridiculous** contraption. Listen well..." Jareth addressed the microwave with a glare. "I do not like you. I no more enjoy using you than I enjoy the thought the dwarf's bare oiled arse..." Jareth shuddered as such a mental image resurfaced in stunning clarity. "But as such, Sarah says we must do things the **conventional** way if I am to stay..." His stomach growled, as if on cue. "And I'm hungry..." Jareth added._

_However without Sarah there to supervise him, something was bound to go wrong..._

_Jareth stirred his steaming hot porridge, oblivious to the fact that such a thing needed to be left for at least a minute or two before ingesting - a fact that he would blame on Sarah. For how **dare** she make his food, and bring it to him at an adequate temperature?! Oh, she'd hear about this, alright..._

_Jareth promptly burnt his tongue. And then dropped the spoon, and a mouthful of the lava-like substance straight onto his cock._

_For why on earth would the ex-King of the Goblins wear pants at four thirty in the morning when he was raiding his housemate's kitchen?_

_The scream that erupted was hard to explain. High pitched, yet somehow hoarse at the same time. It was piercing, yet echoed off the walls. The closest comparison probably would have been the sound a cat being kicked into a wind turbine._

_Perhaps a bag of cats, in retrospect._

_Sarah's eyes sprang open, a mumble of confusion, and drool, on her lips. "The fuck..?" She murmured, finally sitting up. The screaming tapered off from one long affair into short bursts, each one louder than the last. And then there was silence. "What the fuck did he do **now..?!** " She groaned, slipping on a nightgown and rushing to the kitchen._

_"Shit shit shit..." Jareth was hissing, his cock in one hand, and a scrawny leg perched on the work surface. "Gods fuck me, it **burns..!** "_

_Sarah's face relaxed into a scowl as she watched him tend to his burnt giblets in her kitchen sink. Nothing was on fire, and so back to bed it was; he looked like he was handling things..._

 

_ _

_ _

_ _

  _(illustration by **emmakescomics** ) _

_Except come the morning, Jareth's singed dong turned out to have third degree burns, and Sarah was the one driving him to the hospital on her work day._

 

* * *

 

"Understood..." Jareth blew on the spoon, then.

"It'll be alright." Sarah then added. She still felt guilty that because of her, Jareth had thrown in the towel.

Though it hadn't actually been her fault at all, Jareth wasn't about to assuage her guilt. Not if playing on it meant pampering. And if he did this right, he might even get her to go to the store for some tinned peaches...

"Will it..?" Jareth sighed sadly.

"You'll bounce back." Sarah made sure to smile before leaving the room.

"Why didn't you just take that singing job Sarah mentioned to start with?" Hoggle was pottering around the kitchen, looking for the newspaper.

"Because then the story would have no tension, Hogbrain."

"Story..?" Hoggle stared around the room in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You wouldn't understand; you're just a side character."

Hoggle nodded before thundering, "Wait, no I ain't!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it!


	6. Handyman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Jareth takes everything far too literally.

Jareth stared at Sarah, his mind having short circuited at that word.

_Handyman._

"U-Um..?!" Sarah was on the phone, asking if there was anyone at all who could perform such a service for her.

And she hadn't even thought to ask him?!

"S-Sarah..?" He whispered.

"Hang on Jareth, I'm on the phone... What was that? Right, right... And you can't... Do it any cheaper?" Sarah sighed. "It's just that we don't have a lot this month—"

"I'lldoitforfree!" Jareth grabbed the phone, hanging it up. Sarah gave him an odd look. Desire - that was desire, Jareth told himself. "I'll... Do it for free. Sarah." He blushed.

Sarah studied his expression. He seemed serious; his lip wasn't twitching like it usually did when he was about to burst into song.

"You want to be my handyman..?"

Jareth grabbed onto the kitchen table for dear life, knees knocking. "Yes. Yes I do..."

"OK then..." Sarah nodded. If he screwed things up, she'd have to pay someone anyway. They were almost short for the rent last month, and even Sarah's best scrimping and saving wasn't helping. She could always reward him with porridge, after all. "Meet me in the bathroom in five?" She nodded, smiling.

"The bathroom..." Jareth parroted. God, that meant things were about to get... Messy. "A good idea..." He hummed to himself before rushing out of the room.

"Well... That is where the leak is..?" Sarah whispered to herself. "Weirdo..."

 

* * *

 

Sarah was bending over the bathroom sink, glaring at the tap. When Jareth entered the room, the sight of her directly across from him, her arse swaying so delightfully... It was enough to have him standing to attention in seconds.

Not that the walk through the corridor, thinking on every possible position he'd have her in, hadn't left him like a rock already.

"Precious..?" He purred, his heart racing. God, finally. Finally! He might even share his fries with Hoggle after this... Sarah spun around, not having heard him enter.

"Um." Sarah's eyes boggled. Jareth was wearing a tool belt.

And nothing more.

She felt a kind of heat flare between her legs. God, what the fuck did he think he was doing..?!

"Your handyman is here..." He strutted over to her, and Sarah had to avert her eyes to a more respectable level. His cock was easily the most noticeable part of him right now - compared to his almost glowing pale skin, it contrasted at a deep purple. And in comparison to his gangly self, it also stood out as being just too feasibly large for him.

She wondered fleetingly if he used one of those pumping devices to engorge it. Then again, he'd only had five minutes...

"Jareth..." She whined, grabbing the sink from behind. God, she should be telling him, right..? Clearly he'd misunderstood, and taken her literally... She'd have to cancel their internet connection - that would save some money. If Jareth's porn hobbies were anything to go by, they'd save a lot.

Wait. Was that why they were short this month..?!

"Precious..." Jareth's arms were around her, and Sarah could feel something hot and hard throb against her leggings. "I'm here to fix your pipes..."

Sarah's hand slipped from the edge of the sink, trying her hardest not to laugh. Instead she ended up grabbing the tap in order not to fall against the man. And snapped the thing clear off, blasting Jareth in the face with icy cold water.

 

* * *

 

Jareth supped his cocoa, wrapped in a number of towels. Hoggle sneered from across the table. "Can't believe you said that... Fix her pipes..!" The dwarf cackled.

Jareth shot him a withering look. "Well I thought she meant—" He pouted. "You know what I thought..."

"Yeah, Sarah's never gonna ask you for that kinda thing. Best to get that in your head now." Hoggle sighed. He almost felt bad for Jareth. Almost. "You gotta realise that humans mean different things to what they say."

"Such confusing creatures..." Jareth growled. "How was I supposed to know?!" He then roared.

"Because she said she wanted a handyman..?" Hoggle spoke as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Exactly!" Jareth threw his arms in the air. "Every time I've seen handymen - they only do one thing! Short of a sensual saxophone solo, I think I was doing pretty well, all things considered—"

"What on earth are you talking about?!" Hoggle could've sworn the man had gone doolally now. "And what's a saxophone?"

"It will be much easier to show you, Hogbrain." Jareth picked up his cocoa, jerking his head for the dwarf to follow.

In another room of the house was Sarah's computer. Jareth closed the door behind them, lest Sarah walked past.

"You will be eating your words, Hedgehog." The man sniffed, typing into the search box. He then clicked the first video. The speakers erupted in a cacophony of moans and grunts, saxophone solo barely audible behind it all. "SEE?!" Jareth closed it down, folding his arms. "Apology please."

Hoggle merely stared at the blank screen, his face frozen in horror. Jareth nudged him warily. "Wow."

"Indeed." The fae nudged Hoggle again. "Jareth, I'm so sorry!" He mimicked the dwarf's gravelly voice. "You're always right, and I'm always wrong!"

"Alright alright..." Hoggle grumped.

"Also I smell of cabbage, and—"

"ALRIGHT."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's such a pitifully short chapter, but I felt it should stand on its own... XD
> 
> More of Jareth climbing the employment ladder, and falling down the rungs to come hehe~


	7. Dinner for Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth's plans to woo Sarah hit yet more snags...

Jareth had finally managed to get the job. He'd excitedly phoned Sarah, announcing he was to start the very next day - the new vocalist of the band Crystal Daydream. He also promised that he'd make things up to her when she got home from work.

Sarah spent the entire day looking forward to it - he'd told her he was going to cook; her heart stopped hammering when he assured her it would be under supervision.

Except Sarah's day ended up being an hour longer than usual, and she fell through the front door, exhausted.

"I know you said you were gonna cook but..." Sarah yawned loudly, her hand cover her mouth too late. "I just... It's been such a long day." Jareth nodded. "I'm gonna hit the hay..."

"Not a problem." He smiled.

Sarah gave him a guilty look. "You didn't go to much trouble did you..?"

"No." Jareth snorted, his spleen screaming. "No trouble at all, I just used what we already had in the house." Sarah smiled, nodding.

There was a sudden squeaking sound from the other room, as if someone were strangling a cat.

Sarah squinted. "What was that—?"

"Nothing." Jareth coughed in agony, trying in vain to cover up the goblin in the other room that was practicing his violin serenade. Sarah didn't believe him, but was far too exhausted to challenge Jareth at present.

"Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Nighty night..." She yawned again, plodding down the hall.

"Goodnight Sarah." Jareth ducked into the kitchen when he was sure she was out of earshot. He growled, tripping over a pile of roses, which in turn knocked over the romantic candlestick which promptly set fire to the curtains. "Oh, bother..."

It had taken the last of Jareth's magic reserves to put out the fire, and reverse any damage it had done.

Except that in order to do so, he had to use his party trick - and every time he reordered time, Sarah changed her mind at the last minute, barging past him, and into the kitchen.

Jareth gave up by the ninth attempt, his magic drained, and his body ready to slump into the nearest chair.

"What's this..?" Sarah looked down at the strange little goblin on her kitchen floor. "I thought all the goblins rebelled against you..?"

Jareth sagged against the doorframe. "Pico doesn't like my replacement..." His mouth offered a tired smirk.

The goblin on the floor waved the violin bow above its head, letting out a wheezing laugh. Sarah's eyes widened in realisation.

"Hey, I remember you!!" She pointed at the thing, and it paused, eyes like saucers. "You were the snake. And then a scarf!" Sarah then rounded on Jareth. "And you—!" She stopped, taking in the state of him. "—look like shit..." Sarah rushed over, a hand already on his forehead before the fae could react. "You're clammy... C'mon, sit down." She took him by the hand, and Jareth let her guide him to the nearest chair, his face blushing brightly.

"I'm fine..." He mumbled, but Sarah was already getting a glass of water, and fetching a thermometer. Jareth stared warily at it.

"You're burning up." Sarah snapped, holding the stick out. Jareth pointed to the metal end, buttoning his lip. He wasn't in the mood for a burnt tongue, no matter how well meaning. "Right... Shit." Sarah put it to one side.

"I'm just a little tired..." It wasn't a lie.

"Yeah, I guess making a romantic meal for two will do that." She sat opposite him, her face unreadable for a moment. "You said you didn't go to any trouble." She spoke. "That was a lie..." Sarah seemed to be putting things together in her head. "But fae can't lie."

Pico stood there dumbly, unsure if he should start playing or not.

"We can..." Jareth's response was quiet, and very tired. "It just hurts like hell." Sarah continued to stare at him; suddenly she recalled the times he'd said certain things - recalled how uncomfortable and pained he looked. "Lying is a human invention, unnatural for fae. Lie too much..." He tapered off.

"And..?" Sarah leaned in.

"We erode. Or bits of us fall off..." Jareth shrugged, his eyes framed with dark circles. "Some even explode without warning..."

"So stop lying!" Sarah was up on her feet, her hands balled into fists.

"It's a hard habit to break..." Jareth whispered. "And you ask so many questions... Had I been truthful from the start, you would not wish to share your home with me."

"I can handle the truth. It's the lying I can't stand." She was nearly nose to nose with the fae. "You're going to stop lying this instant. Got it?" Jareth opened his mouth, but Sarah cut him off. "Got it?" She cried.

"Yes."

"Good." Sarah sat back down. "I don't care how embarrassing the truth is - it's always better than a lie." She looked at Pico, smiling as an idea hatched in her mind. "So I'll ask you one last time. How many other women did you call Precious?" Her eyes travelled slowly to Jareth.

"Only the brunettes with green eyes." He sighed. It felt better to tell the truth - his body appreciated the gesture, mending previous damage. But still the pit of his stomach was lurching in agony - not because of any physical pain, but because now he'd confessed something he'd rather have kept to himself.

"Alright." Sarah nodded.

Jareth stared at her incredulously. "You're not angry..?" Sarah shook her head. "Not disgusted..?"

"Why would I be disgusted?" Her cheeks were a little pink, but it was barely noticeable in the candlelight. If she was right, it meant that Jareth really did have a crush on her - just like Hoggle had said.

But crushes were fleeting. Often built upon false expectations. Jareth didn't really know anything about her, and Sarah barely knew anything about him, if she was honest.

Their attraction was completely shallow. She told herself that anyway. Better to pretend that she hadn't fallen hard and fast for this idiot. To lie to herself and dismiss the excitement she felt whenever she saw him. To put that nervous smile and those twitching hands down to stress, rather than admit the truth.

Sarah wasn't ready to think about that truth yet.

"What'd you cook?" She then tapped the gold dome covering the food. "And what's with all the finery?" Sarah smirked.

"Food." Jareth matched that smirk, his growing wider when she scoffed - he hadn't lied after all... "Pico brought some things over; gold is one of the few metals that cannot burn me."

"Only the best for you..." Sarah snorted. "It's lucky you don't have a superiority complex, huh?" She teased.

"Indeed..." Jareth chuckled, relaxing. Sarah noted that he didn't look fazed. So that had been the truth as well.

"While I've got you here..." Sarah took the lid off her plate, trying not to squeal - Mac and cheese. Her favourite. Jareth noticed the way her face struggled, but said nothing.

"Yes..?" He hummed before adding, "Precious?" Sarah looked up, her face prickling with heat again when she spied the look he was giving her.

It was the look from before. That smouldering, heated, serious look. Sarah was (against her better judgement) leaning in, licking her lips. "Uh..." Jareth was leaning in too, one gloved hand sneaking across the table. The tips of their fingers touched, and Sarah could feel her heart try in earnest to beat it's way out of her chest.

Jareth tilted his head as he got closer, and Sarah did the same. She could feel his breath on her lips. She parted her mouth—

Except there was a deafening sound of horsehair on metal. Pico, having noticed the romance in the air, had taken it upon himself to start serenading them.

Sarah's hand jerked, landing in her plate, and Jareth head butted her.

Pico was chased from the room with an iron skillet, Jareth thankful that he was wearing his gloves.

 

* * *

 

They didn't talk about the previous day, skirting around the obvious whenever the subject so much as reared its head.

Sarah was eating her leftover macaroni, chancing nervous glances in Jareth's direction. It tasted so good... Surely thanking him would be polite. Yes, that's what she would do.

Except Sarah's tongue stuck in her throat, and she made a strange noise, looking away with a blush.

Jareth of course had noticed, watching her shovel the food in haphazardly. It probably tasted horrendous, and she was sparing his feelings. Yes, of course. After all, he could never do anything right.

Pico was still there, neither Jareth nor Sarah having the heart to tell him to get lost. When you looked as pathetic as that goblin, you could get away with a lot.

It squeaked, tugging on Jareth's kimono. The fae reared back, scowling.

"What do you want?!" He hissed. Pico fluttered his eyelashes before pointing to Sarah. He then started making loud kissing noises. "Shut up..!" Jareth had a hand over the little beast's mouth, just as Sarah looked up.

"Is he still here..?" Sarah asked warily.

"Regrettably..." Jareth released Pico, the latter whimpering to try as earn some sympathy. If he wanted that, Jareth thought, he could find it in the dictionary - between Shit and Syphillis.

"Can he use a broom..?" Sarah felt terrible about sending the creature back Underground. Things had changed, and not in the good way. She was also worried about her friends. The house wasn't big enough for all of them, but Sarah needed everyone she cared about under one roof.

She realised then that Jareth fell under 'things she cared about'.

"Sarah, he's not made for house—" Pico was already in the sink, washing up dishes. "Work..." Jareth narrowed his eyes. That crafty little shit, ingratiating himself!

"Perfect. At least now some of the chores will get done..." Sarah walked past Jareth on her way out of the kitchen. For once she ignored the logical part of her brain, reaching out to tickle the small of his back as she did. "I'm gonna go get ready for work." She smiled. "You should too!" Sarah added warmly.

Jareth made an unintelligible sound, watching her leave. Pico landed on his shoulder, his eyes agog. He made a pathetic sound until Jareth reached up and scratched his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Sarah thawing..?
> 
> I'm so glad my favourite goblin has a canon name!! ;0;


	8. Wild is the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah attends Jareth's first performance. Things do not go well...

Sarah had dropped her newspaper, and grabbed the kettle when she saw what she thought to be a stranger sitting at her kitchen table.

She lowered the makeshift weapon when she recognised his cheekbones.

"Jareth..?"

"It's not too much is it..?" He ran his fingers through his hair - which was now bright red, and even more strangely cut than usual. His face was covered in makeup - again even more so than Sarah was used to.

But somehow he seemed to make it work. Sarah told herself that she was staring because she was still in shock - and not because he was half naked in her kitchen looking like a sexy peacock.

"N-No, I suppose not." Sarah shrugged - she'd always been into those glam rock guys... Unbeknownst to Sarah, Jareth had seen her secret stash of pretty boy magazines. "Is that all you're gonna wear on stage..?" She added, a blush prickling her ears.

"Should I dress up a little more?" Jareth fussed with the strange silky outfit, trying to get it to drape just so. "I thought it looked nice—"

"It does." Sarah hated what her brain was doing to her - because her first thought wasn't _'you're going to freeze to death, dumbass'_ but _'I don't want you going out in something so revealing'._

And Sarah knew it was no business of hers what a grown man like Jareth chose to wear. She also knew that if anyone gawked at him, she'd struggle not to punch their lights out - but that wasn't out of jealousy. Because she didn't even _like_ him in that way.

She was just feeling overprotective of him since bringing him home from the Underground. Yes, that was it.

"Do you want me to change..?" Jareth looked up at her. Sarah saw that he looked disappointed.

"No. You look perfect." She took at seat then, looking away. "Are you sure you want me to come..?"

"Sarah, I can think of no one else I'd rather have attend." Jareth felt his heart race a little when Sarah scoffed, turning pink. "Please come..?"

Sarah looked up; Jareth's expression was warm and hopeful. Stupid goblin puppy eyes. "Well, alright..."

 

* * *

 

Sarah wished she hadn't come at all. Jareth's first night performing started with a sparse enough crowd, but word had gotten out about a fresh (not to mention gorgeous) new talent, and within an hour the venue was full of screaming girls.

She'd promised to attend - it was his first serious job after all. And he seemed talented enough to actually keep it this time. Sarah wanted Jareth to know that she supported him.

But when the third pair of panties flew onto the stage, Sarah was getting seriously irritated. Was there no health and safety regulations?! Sarah growled under her breath when another screamer pushed her aside, trying to get closer to the stage.

She was seriously going to lose her shit if this gig didn't end soon...

Another hour and a half later, and Jareth was still going strong. Though now of course he was drenched in sweat, and glowing under the lights, his shirt discarded into the crowd, and his hips gyrating like a motorised hamster wheel. Sarah pretended she wasn't gawking along with everyone else.

When Jareth gave a fifth encore, Sarah saw red. It was nearly two in the morning, and she had to work early. If he wanted a lift home, he'd either get off that stage in the next five minutes, or he could walk.

Sarah wrestled her way to the front of the crowd at the exact same time Jareth spotted her, beckoning a finger.

"I'M GOING HOME NOW!!" She shouted over the din around her. Now that Jareth was close to the edge of the stage, everyone was screaming, and trying to make a grab for him. He took Sarah's hand, oblivious, and held her gaze as he laid a kiss upon it. "FIVE MINUTES OR I LEAVE WITHOUT YOU!" She added, trying not to kick the sea of pushy women back.

Jareth cupped his hands until they resembled a heart, and framed his mouth with them. Rather ambitiously, he mouthed 'Love you.' to Sarah, but she'd already turned away in disgust as soon as he mouthed the 'L', assuming that he was gesturing rudely.

Pervert...

Jareth smiled stupidly as she marched off. Probably needed the bathroom...

But it was another half hour later when Jareth finally managed to lose a few of his 'adoring' fans that he realised Sarah's car wasn't where she'd parked it.

"Mister Ziggy..!" Came a voice from behind him, and Jareth ran off, platform boots clattering loudly.

 

* * *

 

Sarah was making her way up the stairs when someone hammered at the door. She'd stayed up a little longer when she remembered that Jareth didn't have his house key with him.

But then she recalled that he was a god damn faerie thing with limitless magic, and he didn't even _need_ a damn key.

Rolling her eyes, Sarah unlocked the door. Jareth closed it swiftly behind him, panting.

"Do you know what time it is..?" Sarah was tapping her foot, an irritated scowl twisting her face.

"I was followed home. Crazy women..!" Jareth whispered. Sarah gave him a clueless look, and seconds later there was another bout of frenzied knocking at the door. "I'm not here—!"

Sarah growled watching him prance away into the next room. Reluctantly she opened the front door.

Three women of varying ages were craning their necks, trying to look past Sarah and into the house. One looked barely sixteen, the other about Sarah's age, and the third could've been their grandmother.

"Where is he?!"

"I saw him come through the door!"

"Who are you supposed to be; his maid?" Sarah was about to grab the fly swatter by the door when the youngest piped up.

"No, she's that chick from the front row that got a kiss!" She whined, clearly jealous.

Sarah rolled her eyes. "A kiss on the _hand._ " She tsked. "And he owes me more than that, given that I have to pick up his dirty underwear half the time..." Sarah added with a growl, the double meaning of such a sentence lost in the heat of rage.

"Lucky..." The oldest whined. "Mister Aladdin, I could do that for you!" She shouted out into the hallway.

"Aladdin..?" Sarah scoffed.

"Hey, he told me his name was Ziggy..!" The other huffed.

"He told ME to call him the Duke!" Another cried out.

"Well this has been **lovely...** But I'm gonna have to shut this door now..." Sarah said, doing just that in their faces. About ten seconds later, Jareth shuffled with wide eyes into the hallway. "Oh, Ziggy~" Sarah then made a show of resting against the door, one hand fanning her face. "Be gentle with me!" She crowed, losing it right then and there.

But Jareth brought her back to Earth quickly enough. "I owe you _more_ than a kiss? Those were your words, correct?" The goblin was suddenly standing with both arms resting either side of her, trapping Sarah against the door. Sarah's face went red. Jareth smirked, leaning in. "What exactly do I **owe** you, Precious?"

"You know I didn't mean it like that, buttmunch." She rolled her eyes and reached up to tickle his armpits. Jareth squeaked, arching up and away just enough for Sarah to sneak under his arm.

But the fae was never one to give up so easily. "Quell my curiosity, love..." He was skipping to catch up with her. Though he was good at acting, Sarah detected a slight breathiness to his voice.

"Jareth, knock it off already." She then paused by the kitchen door. "And stop bringing groupies home!" Sarah added, her face purpling.

It was now Jareth's turn to be angry. "They _followed_ me, as I said before." He growled, exasperated. "Woman, are you deaf, or merely ignorant?!"

"You stupid, prissy fuck!" Sarah hissed. "You actually think I buy that crap? I've lost count of the amount of lies you've told me. You couldn't tell the truth to save your life - which it **would** if you'd just **stop!** "

Jareth's eyes narrowed, and he glared down at Sarah. The temperature in the apartment went down by ten degrees, and the light bulbs flickered and dimmed. Only this asshole could manage to still look menacing in a sweaty kimono, and house slippers. "You are a very stubborn woman, Sarah..." He whispered.

"And you are **joke.** " She countered, standing her ground.

A gloved finger was suddenly pointing in Sarah's face. "And **you** , my dear are—" Jareth stopped dead, his eyes wide when an entire can of squirted cream was unleashed upon his face.

He hadn't noticed Pico passing it to Sarah at all...

 

* * *

 

Jareth had once again managed to guilt trip Sarah into attending one of his concerts.

Because now he had a much better plan.

He'd spent most of the day writing the perfect song for her.

A song that would prove to her of his devotion. A song that would melt her heart, and have her running into his arms by the end of the night...

Except when Jareth tried to sing it, Sarah had actually gone to the bathroom this time. And when he tried to sing it again for the encore, she'd broken her heel and had to hobble back to the car to change her shoes.

And when he finally had her attention, a woman in the front row made a grab for him before clinging to his neck, and chancing a kiss.

When he'd finally pushed her off, he'd lost sight of Sarah.

Sarah was sulking in the car, glaring at her broken shoe. Her best pair. She'd barely worn them because she'd been—

"Saving them for a special day..." Sarah growled, throwing them into the backseat. She blinked back the angry tears in her eyes, and checked her reflection in the rear-view mirror. Sarah glared at herself. "You're an idiot, Sarah Williams."

She heard footsteps approaching the car, and made sure she looked calm and collected again, sniffing quickly.

The seat beside her creaked awkwardly as Jareth sat down.

"You didn't even stay for the last song..?" He sounded almost sad.

"I'd heard enough, thank you."

"I know how to work a room; is that such a bad thing?" Sarah made a scoffing sound. "You're not... Jealous are you?" He could hope.

"Jealous? Of what?" Sarah hissed. "A bunch of tarts throwing themselves at you while you humped the mic stand? No, Jareth." Sarah started the car, the engine roaring before she set off, tires squealing.

Jareth suddenly realised what this was about.

"I wasn't taking my clothes off, Sarah."

She wanted to throttle him. "But you were doing everything **else.** " Sarah hissed, ignoring a red light. Jareth felt a smile tug at his lips.

"Oh, I see..." He leaned a little closer, causing Sarah to growl. "Don't like me getting too close to my audience..." Sarah's nostrils were flaring. "You want me all to yourself, that's what this is about..."

 _'Please, please, please.'_ He thought eagerly.

"Not at all." Sarah broke hard, and Jareth winced. "You're still taking antibiotics. Those poor girls don't need goblin gonorrhoea do they?" Jareth slumped a little, pouting. He thought for sure that she was jealous. Perhaps it had been wishful thinking after all.

"I suppose not..." He mumbled. Sarah's hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. _'No Sarah, I don't want to sleep with any of them. I only want you.'_ That's what he was supposed to say.

She bit her tongue. Wrong again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the song he kept trying and failing to sing to Sarah was "Wild is the Wind"... ;p
> 
> *cackles*


	9. No Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, you wanted sex..?
> 
> Sorry, I thought you said 'angst' >:}c

Sarah had been teary all day.

"Is this about last night..?" Jareth chanced. He still felt terrible about the atmosphere, taking some blame in that.

"No." Sarah choked back a sob, looking away. "Not everything is about you, y'know!" Jareth flinched when the door slammed behind her.

Bratty childish Sarah he was used to. He rather liked that Sarah. But overemotional, crying Sarah? He did not like that Sarah. And that Sarah confused him.

Jareth appeared at her bedroom door suddenly, cutting off her escape. Sarah batted him angrily, tears rolling down her cheeks. "No magic in the house, asshole..!" She sobbed. Jareth felt her grab his shoulders, but instead of pushing him away, Sarah sagged and continued crying.

"Sarah—"

"Merlin." She hiccuped. "A year ago today. He died." Sarah broke down again.

Jareth wrapped his arms around her. Now he understood.

 

* * *

 

Drinking had been Jareth's idea. It usually solved things in his experience. But Sarah didn't have any expensive wine in the house, just some strange elixir called vodka.

"He used to do this thing with his ears..." Sarah chuckled, slightly drunk now and pink in the face. "He was the best dog..."

Jareth sat beside her for the next two hours as she explained all of Merlin's good points - and why he was better than every other dog.

"He didn't like Irene either." She snorted. "This one time she was telling me off, and Merlin put his head in her lap and threw up!" Sarah laughed before snorting suddenly. "He was the best..." She sniffed loudly, now leaning against Jareth.

The fae was just about to speak when he heard a faint snore. Well, it wouldn't do any good if he woke her up. Jareth rested his head on her shoulder - he would enjoy this moment, however short it was.

When Sarah awoke, she hummed with a stretch. And promptly froze when she felt something warm next to her. She could scarcely remember the last night - other than she'd got blind drunk with Jareth.

She realised quickly that she was still fully clothed, and relaxed when Jareth appeared to be also. And he was still sleeping. It wouldn't do any good if she woke him up, right..? Sarah took a deep breath before getting comfortable again.

Jareth smiled; his eyes closed, but fully awake.

 

* * *

 

It was Jareth's final medical check up - if all went as expected, the fae would finally be STD free.

Except silver linings never came without grey clouds.

Jareth was indeed free of every and any disease. But he'd had them longer than both he and Sarah had realised; and they'd taken a toll on his system, causing further side effects.

The consultant gave Jareth the usual detached yet mournful look when they delivered such news. "Without medical intervention... Fathering a child would be near to impossible. I'm very sorry; I know that isn't something you want to hear. If you want to talk to someone, we have staff that can explain your options."

The drive home was silent. Sarah had decided against the drive-thru, going straight home instead. Once they were back, Jareth had sequestered himself away in his room.

Sarah walked up to his door a handful of times, lifting her hand to knock before thinking better of it.

She'd planned her future - marriage, kids... Sarah wondered if Jareth had done the same at a young age. And for the first time, Sarah understood.

She understood completely.

Sarah picked up the phone and ordered pizza. She was in no mood to cook, and Jareth needed comfort food.

Sarah made sure there were some beers in the fridge - they were going to need it.

 

* * *

 

Jareth had crept onto the landing when the doorbell rang - his innate curiosity what Sarah was counting on.

"Are you hungry..?" She called out when the door closed. "I got more than enough for me." Her smile grew when she heard two sets of feet scamper down the stairs - Pico was hungry too.

Sarah handed Jareth a beer while Pico took a slice of pepperoni, rushing over to Merlin's old basket to devour it.

"I didn't know what you'd like so I just ordered a few." Sarah smiled, watching Jareth fiddle with the cheese. The stretchiness had him wary - but upon tasting it, any and all reservations flew out of the window.

"Thank you." He spoke after a while, and Sarah was caught off guard. She swallowed her mouthful quickly before wiping the sauce from her chin.

"Hey, no problem..."

"It feels so strange." He began, averting his gaze. "I'm sorry; you don't want to hear about my problems..."

"They're not just your problems." Sarah said, her tone very serious all of a sudden. Jareth stayed silent. "I've never told anyone this." Sarah took a swig from her bottle, her nerves fluttering with unease. She hadn't even told her parents. "I... can't have kids either. Well, unless I got really really lucky."

Jareth stared at her, his heart breaking. He'd always thought that Sarah would make a fantastic mother.

"I only found out a year ago." She continued. "I've got a condition— makes conception difficult. Don't tell anyone— like I said, no one knows." Sarah hugged her knees.

"I promise." Sarah relaxed a little, smiling.

"It feels like someone punched you in the gut, huh?" Jareth nodded. "I'd planned everything, and then... it's so weird when something's out of your hands. I hate that."

Jareth watched Sarah's face twist before she forced it back into neutral.

"But... I would've thought you'd've seen enough snotty, screaming babies in your time." Sarah tried to lighten the mood, aware that she was failing. "And I wished my brother away, so..."

"Children are a piece of cake compared to the stupidity of goblins - believe me, Sarah." Jareth chewed his lip thoughtfully. "You ran the labyrinth to get him back - that negates any of that wishing away business."

"Maybe." Sarah nodded. "But he's still super annoying when I have to babysit."

"I never had any trouble..." Jareth's smirk was sly.

"Well of course he'd act nice for **you.** " Sarah sounded adorably petulant, the goblin thought. "He only pushes his luck around me."

"He's not so bad..." Sarah noticed that Jareth was sounded rarely wistful.

"You really liked him, didn't you?" Jareth nodded, avoiding her eyes. "Well. Next time I have to babysit - maybe I could bring him to the apartment..?" Jareth's eyes lit up. "I mean, if you want to see the little snot ball so badly..."

"I'd like that very much."

The pair ate in companionable silence; Pico had fallen asleep, and seemed to be dreaming of something, his legs cycling away in thin air.

"Have you... thought about maybe... getting another dog..?" Jareth asked carefully.

"I did." Sarah knew that Jareth wasn't suggesting that it was in any way a substitute. "But I still miss Merlin too much to do that. It'd be like I was trying to replace him." Jareth nodded. "Besides, I've got— what's his name again..?" Sarah nodded to the goblin who was snoring loudly on his back.

"Pico." Jareth smiled.

"Exactly. He's not a dog so..."

"It's easier."

"Yeah." Sarah was glad that Jareth understood. "Was he... your pet back then? I don't know anything about how goblin hierarchy works..."

"Probably the closest thing." Jareth knew that Pico favoured Sarah now. "He's changed a lot." Sarah stayed silent, urging him to continue. "Always a trickster - goblins love playing games with people. Never with any cruel intent... but now— since things changed. I think he's happy just to be somewhere warm and safe."

"Are things so bad Underground?"

"Well, it's nothing I wish to return to in a hurry." Jareth admitted. "But your friends are safe."

"How can you be so sure?" Sarah was already worried about everyone else without Jareth mentioning it. Though they did make the occasional house call, she dreaded the time where they'd return to the Underground. "You're not there - you don't know that."

"I **do** know that." Jareth's voice became very serious. "When everything— when you left. I still had power, however feeble. I cast a protection spell— but it'd been a while, _and I was rusty..."_

"Jareth."

"No one can see them the way we do. They're unrecognisable Underground." Sarah nearly dropped her beer. "I knew you'd never forgive me if— if anything _happened_ to them. It's not because I **like** them, you realise!" He added hastily.

"Oh, Jareth..." Sarah could kiss him. In fact she was already leaning in a little, steeling herself.

Except Pico promptly farted in his sleep, and the pair rushed to open the windows, gagging in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protip: Don't feed Pico junk food ever. He's a walking mini bog...
> 
> And yeah, to those who guessed, Sarah has endometriosis, and Jareth shoots 99.9% blanks.
> 
> So much plot in this crack fic... this was never meant to get serious lmao!


	10. Peace on Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tis the season for fuck-ugly Christmas jumpers, eggnog, and mistletoe kisses.
> 
> Oh, and drunk karaoke too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've left some symbols scattered through the fic to reference certain things visually for you. The links are in the end notes! <3
> 
> I really wanted to explore my headcanon of autistic Sarah - she was a character I always related to growing up, and when I told the woman who diagnosed me (who also turned out to be a Laby fan) she was of the agreement that Sarah Williams hits a ton of the female autistic criteria. There are so many I could mention, but one of my favourites is from ACH Smith's novelisation itself! http://thebeetlequeen.tumblr.com/post/147749132509/wow-i-thought-i-was-clutching-at-straws-making

Jareth was taking forever to get dressed. Sarah wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. She inwardly cursed her stupidity, recalling how all this came to be.

 

* * *

 

Sarah rolled her eyes, trying (and failing) to end the conversation with Irene. Bless the woman, but you couldn't get rid of her once she had her sights set on you.

"So... Should I make sure there's extra room at the table this year..?" Irene asked that question every single year. Sarah wished she was in a relationship sometimes - if only to put an end to that question once and for all.

"Well—"

"Because if you're _embarrassed_ about still being _single,"_ Irene chattered on regardless, "you don't have to feel too bad. Aunt Margaret dumped your uncle Bernard. You won't be the _only_ one—"

 **"Actually."** Sarah huffed, any intelligence short circuiting in her sudden anger. "I'm **not** single." Jareth seemed to appear behind her, his eyes wide.

"Since when?!" He hissed, blushing scarlet, and Sarah spun round, tangling herself in the phone cord. "I will **murder—** _duel him_ just to make... certain that he is the right man for you, Precious..!" That was a lie. He would kill him. Kill him **good.**

"Who's that, Sarah..?" Irene suddenly made an exciting shrieking sound down the phone. "Is that him?!"

"Yes..?" Sarah stammered. Oh crap, this had been a bad idea. "His name..?" Sarah turned even more red. "My b-boyfriends name..? I-It's Jareth." Jareth dropped his pop tart. Sarah gave him a look. "Yeah he's... _Foreign._ Yeah. Yes. YES. Yeah, I'll be bringing him. Yes, set a place. Yes. OK bye. OK. BYE." Sarah slammed down the phone, and took a deep breath.

"Precious..?"

Sarah's eyes narrowed. "Shut up." She took another deep breath feeling slightly faint. "Shut up." Jareth stayed silent watching her. He tilted his head when she looked at him again. "I said shut up!"

"But—"

"SHUT. UP."

 

* * *

 

After Sarah had time to organise her thoughts, she calmly explained to Jareth what was going on, and what was expected of him. She offered a brief explanation of the holiday, and what it meant Above Ground.

However Jareth wasn't listening at all, far too excited to retain any information.

Sarah was taking him to meet her family. On the most important holiday of the year. Surely that was a very good sign, and it clearly meant that his attempts to woo her were finally paying off..!

He smiled dopily as Sarah went over which of her relatives to pointedly avoid. "Are you even listening?" She grumped. Jareth nodded, smiling wider. "Well... Good. Go get dressed. _Nicely."_ She stressed the last word. "No thongs. And no kimono." Jareth tsked, finally clearing his mind enough to hear her. "No heels or makeup either." Jareth looked scandalised.

"Precious..?!" He whimpered.

"Don't 'Precious' me, mister." Sarah was pointing a finger in his face. "Just for one night, OK?" Jareth didn't look convinced. "I'll let you smoke in the house..." (Not that she could stop him...) He craned his head, smirking. "And eat in the bath..." Jareth fluttered his eyelashes. "And I'll buy you McDonalds one the way home..."

"Done." Sarah sighed. She certainly had been...

 

* * *

 

Sarah tapped her foot waiting. Just what was taking him so long?! Probably got buried under all his feather boas and died, she thought to herself with a snort.

Sarah panicked when Jareth finally emerged. For a moment she thought they had a well dressed intruder in the house.

"Will this suffice, Sarah..?" He shifted nervously. Sarah realised all of a sudden that this was probably the first time in months that he'd worn trousers. "Well..?" Jareth smiled hopefully before looking nervous again.

"You look..." Hot. Hot. He looked hot.

The fae was wearing a simple black suit•, well cut and very dashing. Underneath it was a white shirt, closed off with a casual black tie.

But his hair was what has surprised Sarah the most. Blond as ever, but neat and short. He looked absolutely—

"Gorg— I mean. _Good._ **Great."** Sarah nodded quickly. "We'd better get going..." She picked up her bag, making for the door.

"Aren't you going to wear makeup Sarah..?" Jareth enquired innocently. Sarah slowly turned around. "It is a special occasion isn't it?"

"I wasn't really— I mean, I barely _ever..."_ Jareth's face remained innocent. Such a face was hard to say no to... "I'm not very good at it." She dropped her bag onto the table again, slightly pink.

"Well, today is your lucky day." Jareth was positively beaming. "Because I am. Sit." He was surprised when she didn't fight him, taking a seat. He was back soon enough with an enormous bag.

"D-Do you really need all that..?" Jareth noted the look of horror on her face. "I still want to look like _me,_ y'know..."

"Of course. I would not wish to hide that gorgeous face of yours." Jareth swelled when Sarah didn't tell him to shut up, but turned even more rosy.

Sarah was soon made up. Her eyes were shadowed with warm brown and amber tones, bringing out the green of her eyes. Her cheeks were subtly blushed, and her lips filled with a natural pinky colour, softly enhancing her already prominent Cupid's bow.

Jareth carefully lined her eyes before finishing with a mascara. Sarah had to hold her breath, panicking that he'd have her eye out. But the fae was extremely skilled, it seemed.

"Can I look..?" She was buzzing with anticipation, wondering what the end result would be.

After a moment of extra primping, Jareth finally nodded, holding out a hand mirror to her. Sarah took it, and gingerly looked.

_"Oh..."_

"You hate it." He looked mortified. "I can do it again—"

"Wow." Jareth watched her carefully. "Oh,  _wow..."_ Sarah looked up, her eyes wide. "I look... Beautiful." She went back to the mirror, transfixed. "How did you **do** that..?"

Jareth's heart sank. Was she completely blind?! "Sarah." He took the mirror, looking her dead in the eye. "You always have been."

There was a heavy silence as the two of them locked gazes. And in that silence, Sarah clearly heard the ticking of a clock.

"We should get going. Don't wanna be late." She got up quickly, grabbing her bag. Jareth straightened, following her.

"Of course not."

 

* * *

 

They were finally at her old family home. Sarah parked the car, but didn't make to get out right away. After a moment, she turned to Jareth. "Um." Jareth merely stared blankly at her.

Sarah had been doing a lot of thinking on the way over, and it stood to reason that Jareth shouldn't have to hide his true self; shouldn't have to put on all these airs for her. She ignored the part of her that was also adamant that he was perfect just the way he was, and if her father and Irene had anything to say about it, they could just keep their mouths shut.

"If you wanna change into something more comfortable, I don't mind." She smiled shyly. "And your hair looks... nice. Just... I like the old style." Sarah was glad she was wearing blush - maybe Jareth would assume that her red face was down to the makeup...

"You're sure..?" He watched Sarah carefully. She nodded. "Alright." In a split second, the fae was now wearing a pair of jeans much like her own, and a matching Christmas jumper, his hair wispy and back-brushed once more.

"Oh god, that thing is hideous..." Sarah poked the reindeer on the front of the jumper, snorting loudly when the nose lit up on contact.

"It is. But Hoggle told me it is a tradition to look terrible. Right..?" Jareth panicked for a split second, worried that the dwarf may have duped him.

"Right." Sarah nodded. "Wait. Did you call him over right after I sent you to go change..?" Jareth's lips curled up. "You nerd..." She shook her head, opening the car door. "Well, I guess this is it. C'mon." Jareth didn't move. "What..?" She groaned when he held out a godawful looking headband with antlers on it. "I am not wearing that."

"Tradition, Precious..." Sarah sighed, snatching it. She wished he'd stop calling her that sometimes.

"Fine. But I'm gonna get you back for this. Just you wait." Sarah put the thing on her head, her eyes narrowing.

"I look forward to it." Jareth winked. "Precious."

 

* * *

 

Sarah knocked on her old front door, her heart thumping. God, this was the stupidest idea. She chanced a quick look at Jareth - he was staring at the door, his expression hard to read.

There were excited whispers from behind the door, and what sounded like Irene's insistent tone winning over her husband's. The door swung open, and Sarah forced her best fake excited smile on.

"Sarah!!!" The woman squealed. She yanked the girl through the doorway, whispering in her ear. "What a looker! I always knew you had it in you, dear..!" Irene then regarded Jareth. Sarah felt some kind of bothersome feeling when she noted how the woman's eyes swept up and down him one too many times. "Jareth, was it?" The goblin nodded. "Oh, do come in. Sarah's told me **so** much about you!"

Jareth swelled with self importance - completely oblivious to the white lie.

Sarah closed the door behind them, taking a deep breath. _"And so it begins..."_ She whispered.

Irene introduced Jareth to the many members of the Williams family. Sarah hung back, always unsure of what on earth she should be doing in these sorts of social situations.

She felt her cheeks warm, and her heartbeat pick up whenever one of her female relatives gave Jareth a little too much attention. And her insides twisted when her newly single aunt's hand lingered a little too long on his shoulder. Right. If she was going to fake this relationship, she might as well make it convincing.

Jareth jumped a little when an arm slipped around his waist. When he realised it was Sarah's, he could barely contain his excitement, beaming from ear to ear. "Precious..." He blushed. A few of Sarah's relatives looked on jealously, while the majority fawned over them.

"Did you hear that adorable pet name?"

"Such a beautiful couple..."

"Your kids would be gorgeous!!"

"Have you set a date yet?"

Sarah smiled nervously, the hand on Jareth's waist shaking. God, what was she supposed to say to all that?! And she didn't want to leave it up to Jareth - not only would he lie, but his head might fall off straight after!

Jareth decided to pipe up anyway; Sarah was looking uncomfortable, and though he could tell that her family meant well, it wasn't something she should have to suffer through.

"Sarah would make an excellent mother." He gave her a proud smile. "As for dates... That is up to Sarah. I'll be happy with whatever she decides." Another chorus of "aww's", and Sarah felt her mouth curl up. Clever bastard...

Sarah's father then appeared. Her stomach lurched in panic when he looked Jareth over. God, this was a fake date, but her father's approval still meant something to her.

"It's nice to finally meet you, son." Robert extended a hand, and Sarah sagged with relief when Jareth took it. Jareth felt his insides flutter nervously, though he wasn't sure at all why. He was easily the oldest creature in the room, nay, on the earth - but shaking Sarah's father's hand had him feeling like a young slip of a goblin. Desperate for approval. To be liked.

The last word had hit him especially hard for some reason.

Son. He could dream...

Irene appeared then, ushering everyone to find a seat so that they could get the party games underway.

Sarah hated charades. But with Jareth to play with, things were surprisingly enjoyable this year.

"Four words." Irene called out. "Fourth word..." Sarah gagged pulling a pained expression. Robert shrugged.

Jareth smirked. "Stench." Sarah gave him a thumbs up. "I think I know the answer to this one... it's just a wild stab in the dark after all, but... Bog of Eternal Stench?" Sarah fist pumped the air, hooting victoriously.

"What kind of play is that?" Someone in the other team tsked.

"Scandinavian." Sarah lied.

Jareth and Sarah guessed each other's clues each and every time. Jareth barely moved his arms and Sarah was screaming out "barn owl!!!"

He blushed a little, nodding. She'd even remembered the type...

After another twenty minutes Sarah's team was declared victorious, the other team sulking and deciding to grab alcohol to help nurse their collective mood.

Sarah grinned, walking with Jareth through to the kitchen - she could do with some eggnog, and she had a feeling that Jareth would like that particular holiday drink.

Except Irene shrieked, sending Sarah bumping into the goblin in her alarm. "What..?!" She groaned, spinning around. Irene pointed above them, smiling like a deranged hyena.

"What..?" Jareth blinked. This was one Christmas tradition he still wasn't aware of.

Irene clapped excitedly; always a sucker for this kind of thing. "It's—!"

"—Mistletoe." Sarah finished. Jareth still looked clueless.

"Wow, he really is foreign isn't he?" Irene stood with a hand on her hip. "Jareth, sweetheart - it means you two have to **kiss!"**

Jareth's eyes widened. And soon after, a wicked smile* was spreading across his face. He could kiss Sarah. It was a binding contract Above Ground... something she couldn't wriggle out of..!

This really was the most wonderful time of the year.

Sarah's mouth twitched nervously. "Well come on, then..." She then tilted her head, screwing her eyes shut. That was the way it was done, right? Jareth closed the distance between them, his gloved hands cupping her face delicately as he leaned in.

Sarah's breath hitched when she felt feather soft lips pressed to hers. Her hands unclenched, and found themselves on his waist. OK, so he wasn't a bad kisser... Sarah waited for Jareth to pull back, but suddenly his head was tilting, and then something wet was parting her lips, and then Sarah's toes were curling. His tongue brushed against hers languidly, and Sarah had to stifle a moan.

OK. He was... a **_very_** good kisser.

Sarah sagged against him, utterly lost in the moment. Jareth's arms were slung around her as she tipped backwards, and he was following her, his hips pressed firmly against Sarah's, and one hand now travelling a little further south to cup her—

"Hey, keep it PG!" Irene chuckled, bringing them back to earth. "You can carry on when you get back home." She winked at Sarah who was still clutching Jareth's absurd Christmas jumper, breathless and red in the face.

"Yeah yeah..." She went to disentangle herself from the goblin, but he clung on. "C'mon. I wanna get eggnog." She pouted, trying not to look him in the eye. And to ignore that fluttering heat between her legs.

"A slight problem..." Jareth hummed, his own face particularly rosy. Irene chuckled to herself, leaving the pair alone. Jareth then bent down to whisper in Sarah's ear, his breathing clearly ragged. "I'm hard as a fucking **rock."** She felt her knees go weak at his admission.

Jesus fucking Christ was he trying to kill her?!

"Oh..." She nodded, her arm back around his waist. "O-Okay... Follow me." Sarah guided the two of them until they were at the sofa. She quickly shielded him as he sat down, and handed him a pillow. Sitting beside him, Sarah snuggled up close to Jareth, her legs resting on the pillow to try and make it's placement a little less conspicuous.

Jareth tried to conjure up the foulest, most unsexy thoughts he could muster.

Hoggle.

Hoggle naked. (His cock wilted a little.)

Hoggle naked on roller skates.

Naked Hoggle swimming the Bog.

Jareth smiled, relaxing - completely flaccid. He removed the pillow. "Thank you." Still he didn't look Sarah in the eye. That adorable flushed little face would send him right back to hard-on city...

"Oh, wait... you've got a little something—" Sarah's thumb was at his lips, rubbing the lipstick off.

Jareth bit his tongue, thinking once more of Hoggle. Hoggle in a g-string... _Naked Hoggle on a pogo stick..!_

The constant redirection of blood flow had Jareth feeling faint.

 

* * *

 

Irene had had one too many peach schnapps, and was taking advantage of the fact that she finally had Sarah on her own. Robert was talking the goblin's ear off some metres away. "So... is he good..?"

Sarah whispered an "Oh god..."

Irene pretended to be mortified. "Oh, I'm being too personal, aren't I, honey?" Sarah nodded. "It's just... he looks like he'd have a lot of **stamina..."** She whispered none too quietly.

"Y-Yeah..." Sarah nodded; the only reason she knew such a thing being that she'd accidentally become trapped under his bed when he happened to be giving himself a two hour long seeing to. She hadn't been snooping.

Alright, maybe she had been snooping a little...

Sarah's mind then went through a list of possibilities. She'd already seen his cock thanks to the handyman incident, so Sarah didn't need to imagine too hard. It was— alright, she conceded, it was the nicest looking cock she'd ever seen. Not that she'd seen _many._ And if she had, they were only ever printed in a dirty magazine, or pixelated on her computer.

Would he chase his own pleasure, though? That was the real question... She suddenly recalled his words in the Labyrinth, clear as day.

**_"I have been generous..."_ **

Oh yes, he would be. Sarah decided that 'fictitious boyfriend Jareth' would indeed give her more than one orgasm before he went after his own. He'd be slow and sensual. He'd make love to her... He'd—

"Sarah you're bright red!" Irene cackled. "Oh, so he's **that** good..?" Her smirk was knowing, and Sarah suddenly felt a bit sick given that Irene was probably of an agreement given her own personal experiences - with her dad. Ew. EW!

"I... need some air. I'll be right back..." Sarah rushed off.

Jareth was trapped. He watched Sarah leave, his neck craning after her. Robert chuckled. "So, how long have you two been together now?" He knew Sarah could be a little secretive - the fact that she even had a boyfriend had come as a complete surprise.

Technically they'd been in each other's company since Sarah rescued him, so it wouldn't be a lie if he said— "Two months." Jareth smiled when he felt no pain.

"Ah, that explains it." Jareth looked confused. "The honeymoon period won't last forever." Robert suddenly looked wistful. "But... don't go looking elsewhere just because you can."

Robert had known Irene well before his marriage to Sarah's mother dissolved. Though she had no idea of that prior to leaving, he took his share of the blame - because if he'd been paying his full attention to her - maybe she wouldn't have left. But he'd overthought the matter to death by now, and still he knew this had been the best outcome.

Sarah's mother hadn't even come tonight, and that told him all he needed to know. She hadn't made an effort to see Sarah for years now...

"I would never." Jareth whispered, rousing the other man from his thoughts. "She's all I've ever wanted. Sarah is perfect."

Robert was about to argue that no one is ever perfect, but the look on Jareth's face had him keeping that to himself. In his opinion it was about time that Sarah had some good luck.

 

* * *

 

There was no such thing as a Christmas Day that went perfectly smoothly. Fights often broke out between drunk relatives, or snide comments were thrown out in hopes that they'd stick.

Sarah had been pointedly avoiding her cousin for the entire day. Last year, she'd nearly pushed her into the Christmas tree in her rage - but Sarah was never the kind of let herself lose it in such a way.

But when Sarah skulked past the woman, she felt dread bloom deep in her belly when she called out her name. Jareth was following Sarah to the kitchen (he really had fallen for that eggnog stuff), and Sarah panicked. Please, not today.

"Hi, Angelica." Sarah kept her voice polite; no need to give the woman any further ammo.

"It's a pretty big party huh?" She smiled that false friendly smile Sarah so hated. She then loudly whispered, "are you _alright_ with crowds..? You're not gonna flip out like last year, are you?"

The last year, Sarah hadn't been diagnosed autistic yet. But since her 'outburst', her father had insisted that she seek some sort of help. It had sounded so cruel then. Sarah didn't need help - she just needed to be left alone.

Christmas had been even bigger that year, distant relatives she'd not seen in years, and some she'd never even heard of. Constant choruses of "why is a gorgeous girl like you still single?" got her in a foul enough mood - but the chatter, and the tv blaring loudly in the background, and the constant flashing lights, and everyone asking her why she needed to go outside on the porch when it was freezing cold.

The final straw had been when Angelica had taken an item in Sarah's hands she'd been so desperately fiddling with. It was the only way she could rid herself of this nervous energy, and to have it forcibly taken—

"G-Give it back." Sarah reached out, but the other woman held it away, laughing.

"What's so special about a stupid plastic bracelet?" She inspected it critically. "It's cheap. And old too." Sarah couldn't understand why she was being so cruel - unaware that Angelica's husband had been looking her over for most of the night. Sarah didn't pay attention to that sort of thing. At least she thought she didn't - the truth was that she just didn't understand some social cues. She couldn't tell when someone was flirting, or when they were lying.

She'd gotten better in the past year, with a lot of practice.

It had been when Angelica started pulling at the already threadbare elastic that Sarah truly panicked.

"S-Stop that..!" She made another grab for it, but still it was held just out of reach.

"S-Stop that!" Angelica parroted, pulling it a little harder. "And what if I don't? What are you gonna do then?"

Sarah was about to say exactly what she'd do when there was a snap, every plastic bead scattering to a different corner of the room. A few people laughed, or shrugged at the distraction.

Sarah had not pushed Angelica into the Christmas tree. But she had grabbed her by her cheap extensions, and dunked her smug face in the punch bowl, punctuating each dunk with the words, "STUPID. ROTTEN. BITCH."

And if she started something, in front of Jareth... Sarah's diagnosis had come as no shock. Her father, and Irene especially were surprisingly supportive. Sarah felt validated for the first time in her life - she wasn't 'crazy'. She didn't need to 'grow up'. Her worries and thought patterns weren't irrelevant or childish. She was perfectly fine. But the news had spread quicker than fire on dry grass, and even relatives Sarah didn't know were aware. She'd found a deepest sympathies card her father had thrown into the bin shortly after. The relative in question who'd written it hadn't been invited tonight.

"If I **flip out** , you'll be the first to know." Sarah leaned in. "Angie."

"Don't call me that." The other woman spat. She then gave Jareth a smug look. "So, someone finally snapped up Special Sarah..?" Jareth wasn't stupid enough to think that this woman was trying to be kind - he'd invented the smarmy sarcastic sneer after all, and could spot it a mile off.

"Luckily for me." Jareth's arm was around Sarah, and he pressed a kiss to her hair. Sarah tried not to grin.

"Luckily for the rest of the human race..." Angelica shook her head, still smirking. "Wouldn't want to add that to the gene pool, would you, Sarah?" Sarah remained silent, her expression impassive. No need to rise... remember last year... be the bigger person... "But your boyfriend _knows,_ right?"

Jareth was incredibly curious now, but he didn't say a word. Sarah had her _chase you round the apartment with the iron skillet_ kind of expression on her face.

"Yes." Sarah's mouth twisted. _Just go away,_ she thought to herself. _Get lost._

"Wow, you must be really patient, huh?" Angelica turned to Jareth, speaking of Sarah in the way someone would about a particularly troublesome child. "Do you have to make her take her medication?"

"I don't _take_ medication..." Sarah was clenching her fists, fighting the urge to use them to knock that smart mouth across the room. "I don't **need** to."

"Seriously?!" Angelica was laughing now, and Jareth temper was flaring higher than Sarah's. "After what you did _last_ year, I thought they'd've had you sectioned!" She then turned to Jareth. "Y'know she tried to drown me in the punch bowl?"

"And I'm sure you did everything to deserve it." Jareth stood a little taller, cutting a menacing figure even in his knitted jumper. "Or are you hinting that you'd like a _second_ dip?" He reached a hand out. "I wonder how long you can hold your breath. Shall we find out—?"

"You're crazy!" Angelica whimpered, backing away. "Now I know why you picked her!" She rushed off, and Sarah leaned against the goblin.

"I can fight my own battles, y'know..." Jareth was about to interject, but Sarah cut him off. "But that was really nice. Thank you."

"If you say your right words, I can send her to the Underground." Jareth smiled warmly, his smile spreading when Sarah chuckled. "With any luck she might just land head-first in the bog..."

"You say the **sweetest** things." Sarah tickled his chin, an ambitious move by her standards, but she wanted to reach out. Jareth wasn't judging her. He wasn't even asking her to elaborate. Sarah steeled herself before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "Thanks... again." She rushed off to the kitchen.

Alcohol. She needed alcohol.

 

* * *

 

Irene's voice caught Jareth's attention immediately. "Look who's finished his nap!" She was walking Toby through the house, and the boy was rubbing at his eyes, yawning. Robert gave his wife a reproachful look. "Oh, it's not that late... And it's Christmas after all; you don't want him to miss dinner, do you..?" She and Toby gave him hopeful looks in unison.

"Oh, alright..." He conceded; the next day was going to be chaos anyway what with all the mess they'd inevitably be cleaning up. Might as well throw a moody, overtired kid into the mix...

Sarah watched as her brother suddenly locked eyes with Jareth. Toby was older now. And to Sarah's knowledge, nothing from the labyrinth had stuck in his subconscious.

But then Sarah was usually wrong whenever the plot needed a jab with a metaphorical stick.

"Goblin King..!" Toby pointed at Jareth, and Sarah felt as though the floor had given way beneath her. Oh God. Oh SHIT. Irene looked between the pair of them before laughing.

"T-Toby, don't be so rude..!" She gave Jareth an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's gotten into him... Toby, apologise to the nice man!" She nudged him forward.

Toby looked Jareth over with his wide, curious eyes. Sarah prayed to whatever deity that would smile down on them right at this very moment. She'd pray to the Patron Saint of McNuggets if she had to... "Sorry..." Toby whispered. Irene took his hand, leading him off then to meet one of his many grandparents; and no doubt be cooed over, and forcibly kissed and pinched. Toby stared unblinkingly at the fae until he disappeared from view.

"That was... close." Sarah whispered. When she chanced a look at Jareth, the latter was smiling fondly.

"He remembered."

Sarah's mouth began to curl before she could stop it. "Yeah, well... You're pretty hard to repress, mister." Sarah poked her tongue out when Jareth looked at her. "Dinner's soon, and I'm starving..." Sarah stretched, smiling as the mouthwatering scent of dinner wafted heavier through the house. "By the way," Sarah then opened her purse, motioning for Jareth to peek inside. "I snuck in some plastic cutlery. It just _looks_ metallic. I'll pass it to you later."

Jareth's heart skipped a beat. She really was perfect.

 

* * *

 

Dinner went surprisingly well. Though Jareth was wearing his gloves, the plastic knife and fork meant that he didn't need to worry about his lips getting blistered -  and he was planning to use those lips tonight... That was, if he could get Sarah under that mistletoe again. But such a task seemed impossible. Each and every time he offered to accompany her through to the kitchen, she smiled and said she could manage. Every time he went to follow anyway, a relative would stop and ask him the most inane of questions, stalling him for minutes at a time.

But the night wasn't over just yet...

Jareth startled when the man sat next to him piped up. "Bad manners to wear gloves at the dinner table." The goblin narrowed his eyes.

Sarah's Uncle Bernard had seen his ex wife eying the man up, and was not his biggest fan.

"I take issue with certain textures." Jareth explained snippily.

Irene's eyes widened, along with her smile. "So... you're just like Sarah too?" Sarah elbowed her step mother, glaring. "What..?"

"What..?" Jareth blinked. Sarah gave him a look, and the goblin very wisely decided to drop it. What ever 'it' even was...

It was when Irene started humming a song that Jareth's feet struggled not to tap against the floor. Sarah chewed her potatoes obliviously, having not been present for that musical number - it was a song that Jareth and Toby had shared, and the boy had obviously remembered it as well - and had sang it around the house.

Jareth nudged Sarah under the table. She looked up curiously. Jareth did not look well. He looked pale, and clammy, and he was shaking in his seat. His eyes flickered to the door, and back again, hoping that she understood such a primitive signal.

She did, of course.

"Jareth's... medication is in the car." She lied. "We won't be long..." Sarah jumped out of her seat, holding Jareth by the arm as they rushed through the house, ignoring the many surprised and curious gazes that watched them. "What's wrong..?" She whispered. Jareth was making strange, abrupt noises, and twitching.

"N-Need to... d-dance..." He whimpered as Sarah closed the front door behind them. "Need... t-to sing..!" Sarah stared at him, absolutely clueless as he dragged her to the car with him. Once they were inside, Jareth was belting like his life depended on it, shimmying and spinning around in his seat.

Sarah recognised the tune, at least. Recognised that Irene had been humming it just moments ago, and that Toby had sometimes sang similar words (however disjointed) since he came back from the labyrinth.

Before Sarah could say no, Jareth had already lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag.

"Better..?" She chanced, her nose wrinkling.

"God, yes..." The leather squeaked beneath him as his hips rolled with satisfaction.

"C'mon. Dinner's gonna be stone cold at this rate." Sarah swatted at the air around her, trying to dispel the disgusting odour.

Once they were back inside, it wasn't long before they were tucking into dessert. Jareth helped himself to fourths, absolutely smitten with whatever the fuck a yule log was. Sarah caught herself grinning at him, and schooled a less pathetic look onto her face. She blamed the alcohol.

It was almost time to give out presents, and Sarah clutched her handbag nervously. There was a tiny parcel wrapped inside that she'd scrawl Jareth's name on. It was stupid. And cheap. And he'd hate it. And why had she even bothered?

She looked up at Jareth. He was stood by the window, listening intently as Toby bemoaned the lack of a white Christmas. He'd seen them on the television, and he wanted one right now. He even closed his eyes and wished for it. Sarah tried not to laugh - where they lived hadn't had a white Christmas for nearly twenty years. She wouldn't tell him that, however.

Jareth's obviously false surprise alerted Sarah less than ten minutes later. "Toby! Your wish came true!" Sarah's eyes travelled slowly to the window, and she struggled not to drop her wine glass. There must've been at least ten inches of snow out there. Toby squealed his excitement, rushing out of the front door. Irene was close behind, eager to keep him within her sights.

"What in the world..?" Robert was staring agog, his cigar close to falling from his mouth as he watched his son making snow angels on the front lawn.

"You..." Sarah had snuck beside Jareth during all the commotion. "That was you, wasn't it?" The goblin nodded, his arm curling around her waist. His heart soared a little when she failed to push him away, her head resting on his shoulder instead.

 

* * *

 

Sarah's nerves were most definitely back again. She watched her relatives pass around presents, waiting eagerly for the recipient's response upon tearing open the packaging. There were some genuine laughs, smiles, but some strained 'thank you's as well. Sarah clutched the meagre parcel in her hands, feeling stupid. Before she could pass it to Jareth, he was pressing a neatly wrapped box into her lap. He wasn't looking at her, his cheeks rosy.

"I... I noticed how it always caught your eye." He stammered. Sarah's heart stopped in that moment. There was a certain thing she had indeed been lusting after - in a moment of sheer stupidity, because she'd never be able to own it. She hadn't thought he'd noticed. Sarah thumbed the silvery ribbon - it looked too lovely to open, almost.

She held her breath, pulling at the ribbon until it fell away. Her hands were soon tearing eagerly at the paper, her excitement obvious. When she took the lid off the box, Sarah was absolutely silent. Jareth leaned in a little. "It's..." Sarah pulled out the necklace, her heart hammering. The crescent pendant in her hand was heavier than she'd imagined. The pattern in the centre shimmered a different colour, and Sarah turned it over. "You're giving this to me..?" She whispered.

"Yes." Jareth chanced a look at Sarah. "Do you like it..?"

"I do." Sarah was quickly slipping it over her head, her fingers playing with the embossed symbols. "It's perfect." She then looked at him, her face scrunched with worry. "H-Here." Sarah thrust the small package at him, her free hands quickly going back to fiddle with the pendant. "I know it's not much, but..." She tapered off, unable to find her right words.

Jareth had quickly torn off the decorative paper. In his hand was a beaded bracelet, not unlike the one Sarah had given Hoggle. And not dissimilar at all to the one Sarah had been wearing last Christmas.

In fact it was exactly the same one.

Jareth was wearing it in seconds, staring with adoration. A fleeting thought raced through his mind that perhaps she'd taken it back in order to give it to the man she _really_ cared about. But Sarah set those thoughts straight quickly enough. "I spent two hours finding every bead after Ang- _she_ broke it." Sarah was tapping the lunula against her lip, the cool metal oddly comforting. "The elastic is new. Stronger..." She tapped her feet nervously. "Thirty two beads. I told her to stop— That's why—"

"—you got angry."

"Yeah." Sarah chanced a look into his eyes, then. "People aren't supposed to touch what isn't theirs."

Jareth thumbed the bracelet, smiling. "I couldn't agree more."

It might've been plastic. It might've been old, and dented, and chipped in places. But this ugly little bracelet now belonged to _him._ Sarah could've given him gold. She could've given him precious gemstones, but she didn't. She'd given him something far greater.

For Sarah to bequeath anything of hers to you meant that you were special. Jareth smiled down at the bracelet. "I love it, Sarah." He could see why Hoggle liked this plastic stuff so much.

It didn't burn at all.

 

* * *

 

Jareth had drank far too many eggnogs. Sarah was sure that the number ran into double digits by now. With the gifts given, and most of the food eaten, many of the Williams household were embarrassing themselves in the way of karaoke. Jareth didn't need to be told twice when it came to singing in public, and before Sarah could stop him, he was on top of the coffee table, half crying, half warbling out a version of 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'.

Sarah winced when he hit the high note at the end, and she rolled her eyes when he broke down sobbing seconds later. Robert had to help him off the table, and Irene was on hand, thrusting a mug of black coffee into his hands. Jareth necked the entire cup, and promptly fell asleep in a nearby chair.

"Do you two want to spend the night..?" Irene chuckled. "It might be a bit of a squeeze in your old bedroom, but—" Sarah blushed, looking away. Jareth was snoring loudly, his head tilted back so far that she was surprised it was still attached. "You're looking exhausted; and he's in no fit state to go anywhere. I'd feel better knowing you were driving with a clear head, Sarah."

"OK." She conceded - Irene was right; all the turkey especially had tuckered her out. Sarah yawned, then, realising just how tired she was. "Thanks..."

Sarah dragged a half sleeping Jareth up the stairs. Once they were finally in her old bedroom, Sarah closed the door with her hip before dragging the goblin over to the bed. She dropped him ungracefully, and yelped when she found his arms were still attached to her, dragging her along for the ride. Sarah groaned, using the last of her dwindling strength to roll Jareth over. She crawled under the covers, and turned away from him.

Sarah yawned again, one hand grasping the pendant around her neck.

This had been the best Christmas in a long time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • http://thebeetlequeen.tumblr.com/post/154091274314/thebeetlequeen-bks-jareth-attempting-to (suave as fuck, but I'm sure he looks much cuter in the dodgy festive jumper.)
> 
> * http://emmakescomics.tumblr.com/post/151672540058/the-look-on-jareths-face-after-he-makes-a-dirty (ilu em omgg)


	11. Right On Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah wakes up in a certain mood...

Sarah awoke with a stretch. Everything was warm, and comfortable, and the body next to hers was especially warm and comfortable.

She nestled closer, inhaling deeply. Whatever it was smelt sweet and halfway delicious. Sarah was reminded of her cocoa butter moisturiser.

That should've alerted her immediately since Jareth was prone to pinching it.

But Sarah was too tired (and cosy) to think straight.

A pair of lips left sleepy kisses up her neck, and Sarah squirmed. So this was one of Those dreams. Certainly the most lucid she'd had...

"Mmm, Jareth..." Sarah smiled, shifting even closer. _'Don't wake up...'_ She told herself. She hummed when a pair of lips found hers, and kissed him back hungrily. The space between her legs flared, and her heart drummed with anticipation. _'Don't. Wake. Up. Maybe he'll stick it in this time...'_

"Sarah..." The goblin crooned before his tongue plunged into her mouth again.

"Wakey wakey!" Irene's voice called out from behind the bedroom door. Sarah made an irritable noise, trying to ignore her. But when she heard the sound of a zipper being pulled down, Sarah paused, her lips leaving the fae's with a wet smack.

"J-Jareth..?"

"Shhh... She'll go away if we ignore her..." She felt him grind against her, and squeaked, trying to pull back. Except the sheets tangled around her.

This wasn't a dream..!

"Are you two lovebirds awake yet? It's nearly midday!" Irene called out.

 **"Mm'awake..!"** Sarah shouted, pushing back a still puckering Jareth. "Get off..!" She growled.

"So cruel." Jareth whispered petulantly. "You let me yesterday. Why must today be any different?" He drew closer, and Sarah huffed, pushing him back by his forehead.

"Because..." Think of something, Sarah... "Because you can only kiss when it's underneath the mistletoe this time of year..!" She lied.

"Oh."

"Yeah, its... _offensive_ to break that rule..." She continued. God, she was a terrible person. Why couldn't she just be honest? Why couldn't she say that everything was moving way too fast?

She wasn't even sure if she liked him in That Way just yet. Except that kiss had been nice... And she did enjoy the dreams he appeared in... And he _was_ kind of adorable sometimes—

"I... didn't mean to cause offence, Sarah." Jareth spoke very quietly, and she felt her heart break. After she'd told him never to lie again, what was she doing? "But don't be afraid to tell me these things. I'll never learn if you don't, and..." He took her hands. "I _want_ to learn."

Sarah bit her tongue. "Jareth..." It had to be quick - like ripping off a bandaid. Jareth stared into her eyes, imploring. Sarah made a befuddled noise, looking away.

"I'm sorry, you find eye contact uncomfortable, don't you?" He looked away, and Sarah nodded.

Wait.

"How did you—"

"I... may have done some _light reading..."_ Jareth held up then a large wad of official looking papers - Sarah's diagnostic notes. "I woke up at three in the morning, and couldn't get back to sleep - and I didn't want to wake you..."

"So you snooped around my old room." Jareth hummed. "You just can't help yourself, can you?" She hissed.

"What can I say. I'm a scamp." Sarah growled, snatching back the many booklets.

"And just how much did you read..?"

"All of it." Jareth was smiling.

Sarah gave him a wary look.

"And... you're not freaking out?"

"Why would I?" Jareth had that adorable confused look on his face. Sarah was glad that the man was so very expressive - it made him much easier to read at least.

"Because I'm—" Sarah took a deep breath. There were tick marks next to Sarah's traits, making it easier to see how she fared. "A lot of these aren't exactly **good** points..."

Obsessive. Retreats into fantasy. Disturbed by sudden changes in routine. Hyper empathetic, but has trouble expressing emotions accordingly. Prone to sudden outbursts if under intense stress, or sensory overload.

"Sarah..." Jareth was holding back his laughter. Sarah felt betrayed. He really did find this funny...

"Shut up." She felt tears prick at her eyes, and jumped out of the bed. "You're not so perfect yourself, y'know!" Sarah rounded on him. "And _you're_ laughing at _me?!"_

"Not at you. At the situation." Jareth explained. Sarah continued to glower, so he decided to elaborate quickly, lest she misunderstand him. "Sarah, everything makes sense now. Why you solved my labyrinth with such ease. Why you made friends with those Underground so naturally..." _Why I absolutely fucking adore you._ "You're fae."

"I'm." Sarah faltered. "No I'm not..." She folded her arms. "I'm autistic—"

"Sarah, trust me when I say I'm a bit of an expert." Sarah rolled her eyes. "After reading through that list, I tick many of the same boxes as you." He drew closer, rubbing his nose against hers. "My little changeling..."

"Jareth..." Sarah pulled away. "If I'm a fae, how come I can lie?" Jareth simply stared. "The mistletoe thing. I just didn't wanna kiss you. So I... made it up."

The silence that followed was worse than uncomfortable. Sarah could swear that her heartbeat was audible.

"Why didn't you just say?" Jareth's voice was quiet.

"B-Because..!" Sarah put some space back between them. She pointed to her notes. "I got overwhelmed OK? And I can't find a way to... _breathe,_ let alone express myself..!" Sarah could feel his eyes on her, recoiling. "And..."

"Lying is easier..." Jareth was smirking.

"Shut up." Jareth's smirk grew. "You're so annoying." Sarah wanted to throttle him.

"You're very sexy when you're angry; has anyone ever told you that..?" Sarah made a seething noise. "Now..." Jareth was plotting something, she could tell. "Let me get this right; I _overwhelm you..?"_ He was grinning insufferably once more. "I... _take your breath away—"_

"Can it!" Sarah spat, throwing her notes at him. "There's not gonna be any breakfast left now. Hurry up and brush your teeth." She grumped, storming out of the room.

Jareth hummed happily to himself before doing precisely as he was told.

 

* * *

 

After finishing breakfast, and filling up on plenty of coffee, Sarah and Jareth were back in the car again.

Except Irene and Jareth had had words, and that wicked woman had only helped the goblin smuggle some mistletoe into the car.

It was hanging from the rear view mirror between them, and Sarah snarled when Jareth once again leaned in for a kiss.

"So help me, I will crash this car and kill us both, pretty boy!"

"You... think I'm pretty..?" Sarah whined in anguish. She was stuck - confined with this mook for the next hour...

"I really think you need to be quiet." Was Sarah's retort.

Jareth kept pretending that he needed a toilet break every time they came close to the next gas station. Sarah knew he was trying his luck, so that he could get her when the car was stationary...

"It's only another half hour. You can hold it." Sarah huffed. Except Jareth wasn't lying for once. Sarah concentrated on the road, trying to pretend that she couldn't hear him pissing into a used cola bottle.

"Do you... have another..?" He chanced.

"That was half a litre!" Sarah squeaked, aghast. "Did you seriously fill it?!"

"No Sarah, I thought I'd juggle them. _Yes, I filled it!"_

"Well excuse me!" Sarah barked back. "Just... I don't know... roll down the window and empty it..."

Jareth did just that.

Except the roaring wind outside had it spraying right back in. Sarah screamed as it hit her face - causing a generous amount to enter her mouth at the same time.

"I swear to fucking God." She growled, gripping the now wet steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. "You're not getting any canned peaches for a year!"

Jareth whimpered. "N-None..? Precious, _please—!"_

"DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE AWAY OATMEAL TOO?!"

The car went silent. Sarah huffed before chancing a look at Jareth. She couldn't believe that she'd almost fucked him that same morning.

Maybe she **was** crazy...

 

* * *

 

Once they were home, Sarah thanked Hoggle for looking after Pico. "I think he might've eaten one of yer remotes..." The dwarf mentioned, chancing nervous glances at the kitchen door.

"What am I gonna do with you?" Sarah huffed at the goblin. Pico gave her the bulbous puppy eyed stare he'd so perfected, and she thawed. "Oh come here..." She scooped him into her arms, pressing a kiss to his head. "I can never stay mad at you..."

Jareth had just rounded the corner as she said that, and soon he was hugging her from behind. "I knew you couldn't, Sarah..."

Sarah was about to argue, but she was far too tired - and in serious need of a good scrub down... She turned, pushing Pico into his arms. "You're on a warning, mister. I'm going for a bath - don't get into any more trouble tonight." And with that, she left the boys to their own devices.

After washing her hair (and face) twice - and gargling with listerine, Sarah ran a bath, and slipped into it.

She could feel the burnout approaching even now. It was like the calm before the storm. It wasn't just the stress - Sarah could deal with that all day long. But the niggling pain. The constant aches. Red hot baths helped, but they couldn't get rid of them entirely.

Sarah massaged her belly under the water; her endo had been flaring up badly this week, and it'd gotten far too bad to ignore anymore.

At least it hadn't been too bad the day before. The day had been stressful enough without feeling like her uterus was trying to kill her.

Sarah dragged herself out of the tub quickly enough. She'd pulled the plug when the last of the heat left the water, but there hadn't been much there to begin with. She shuffled through the apartment, her goal to fill up a hot water bottle when she got to the kitchen.

Sarah hissed all of a sudden, finding the nearest thing - a door frame - and leaning against it. "Fuck..." The pain bloomed into a deep agony before ebbing away again. She glared to herself as she trudged on.

When she opened the kitchen door, Sarah simply stared at the scene before her.

For a moment, Sarah thought that Hoggle was entangled in a wrinkled plastic bag, trying to pry it from his face. Except he kept pulling it back in again.

The wrinkled bag moaned, and Sarah gagged when she recognised it.

It was... the junk lady..!

Sarah rushed out of the room, closing the door behind her. Jareth bumped into her almost immediately. "Sarah..! You look pale. Are you alright..?" He leaned in, his face full of worry.

Sarah just shook her head.

"I was just about to make some tea - did you want a cup?" He brushed her cheek, still looking concerned.

"NO." She grabbed the door handle when Jareth went to grab it.

"Sarah just what is the matter with you?" Sarah gave him an imploring look, but he pushed past her anyway. "Just put your feet up, and I'll bring you that _tea—"_

Utter silence took the house over; Jareth stared, his left eye twitching. Of all the things he could've screamed in horror, the following certainly wasn't one Sarah had been expecting.

"MOTHER?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoggle, don't bring your girlfriend over when you're goblin-sitting!
> 
> This is probably the most terrible idea I've had for this fic - but then again the night is young! XD


	12. I'm Home. Lost My Job.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth always finds some way to surprise Sarah - surely she should be used to it by now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for nothing.

Sarah stood there, her eyes wide with horror and her mouth agape.

She'd always assumed some giant kind of dick shaped cloud had rained him into existence...

Or someone had sacrificed a chicken in a thunderstorm.

But no; apparently goblins came into the world much like people did. Sarah closed her eyes, shuddering at the image that conjured.

"Jareth, stop screaming..." Her voice was low, and left little room for argument. Jareth finally stopped, to his credit. "Thank you." Sarah then rounded on Hoggle. "This is my house - I don't mind you inviting guests, but you run it by me first." Hoggle nodded with a gulp. "Uhh, Missus—"

"Miss."

"Right..."

"Call me Agnes, dearie."

"Right." Sarah ignored the daggers Jareth was shooting her. "Tea?"

"I'd love some. Jareth!" He jumped on the spot. "Go boil the kettle!" Jareth grumbled before doing as he was told. Sarah stifled a giggle.

Tea was tense. Agnes looked unperturbed, but Hoggle looked more terrified than Sarah ever remembered, and Jareth was scowling so hard that his face was in danger of sticking that way.

He mouthed the word 'dead' at the dwarf, his left eyelid twitching.

Agnes piped up, trying to dispel some of the tension. "What blend is this, it's very nice—"

"HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!" Jareth was standing now, his hands fisted by his sides. His mother gave him a look.

Sarah recognised that look - it was the same one she usually gave him when he was being a drama queen.

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence before Jareth sat back down with a growl. "He's not..." He whispered petulantly. Agnes decided to ignore him.

"Swamp nettle?"

"Beg your pardon?" Sarah flinched.

"The tea. It tastes very nice; is it swamp nettle?"

"E-English Breakfast..." Sarah chanced a look at Jareth. He was still it seemed trying to burn Hoggle alive through sheer willpower, and glare alone. His mouth twisted the longer Hoggle avoided his gaze.

"I'll have to take some home with me sometime." Agnes nodded thoughtfully. "Jareth, aren't you going to finish your cup?"

Yet more uncomfortable silence filled the room. Jareth looked like a coiled spring, his aura flaring so harshly that Sarah could actually see it. He stood up, and walked out of the room without another word.

"I'm allowed to have a life, you know!" Agnes shouted after him. "I have needs—!"

Sarah had already shot up out of her chair, and followed after him.

After some searching, she found Jareth in the airing cupboard, hugging Pico to his chest. The smaller goblin didn't look thrilled about it, but he let Jareth manhandle him all the same.

"Hey." Sarah sat down beside him. Jareth's lower lip jutted out. "You know Irene's not my real mom, right?" The goblin looked up. "I used to... hate her so much. Blamed her for every bad mood I ever had. I hated seeing my dad happy with another woman. I hated her, and I hated him." Sarah paused. "I hated Toby too."

"I know where you're going with this—"

"But I was wrong." Sarah continued. "I was channelling all my hurt feelings into the wrong places." She tentatively laid a hand on Jareth's shoulder. "You know Hoggle's not a bad person. You **know** that."

"No I don't..." Jareth pouted stubbornly. Sarah gave him a soft shove. "Fine... But this doesn't mean I like him."

"Perish the thought." Sarah smirked, standing up. "C'mon; apologise to your mom." Jareth nodded, getting up. "And Hoggle—"

"I bloody will not!" Jareth was glowering again, his handsome face twisting. Sarah just gave him a bored look.

"Yes you will."

"And how exactly do you think that's going to happen?" Jareth leaned in, his face murderous.

Sarah stood on her toes and kissed the tip of his nose. "Because I said so." Jareth made a sputtering noise in surprise. "Go on." He nodded, his face pink.

 

* * *

 

Finally Sarah and Jareth were bidding goodbye to Hoggle, and Agnes. Jareth had clutched Pico the entire evening, but behaved himself nonetheless.

He even pretended to care about Hoggle's gardening. Sarah fired up the microwave immediately after they had the house to themselves again, placating Jareth with oatmeal and honey.

It seemed to do the trick.

 

* * *

 

What surprised Sarah most was the level of cinematography to this sex tape.

The lighting was like something out of an oil painting. That was why Sarah continued watching. So she could... better critique it later...

Of course that was a terrible lie - and not even Sarah believed herself.

The real reason was plain and simple. Jareth was hot.

She wondered fleetingly when and where he'd bought himself the lingerie. Sarah had never imagined in a million years being turned on by the image of man in lace.

But damned if he hadn't awoken that secret side of her.

A part of her was incredibly pissed - he'd uploaded these on their dial-up connection. And judging by the size of his online 'gallery', the bill was going to be through the fucking roof.

She should stop watching - if only to save money... Except Sarah reasoned that this would have to go on a credit card anyway. Might as well get something in exchange for what would inevitably be an entire month of eating ramen noodles, and microwaved dinners...

Horrendous logic, but Sarah could pretend.

She bit her lip when Jareth reached for something out of the frame. And promptly made a strangled whining sound when he introduced it to the camera.

The sheer size of the thing had her wondering just how on Earth it would fit. She pressed her thighs together watching a gloved hand smear the length of it with lubricant.

Her heart fluttered a little when she noticed he was still wearing the bracelet.

Sarah decided to put the headphones in, just in case.

And wedged up a cabinet against the closed door too.

Jareth's face was forever out of shot, but she knew by his lithe frame, and the wisps of blond hair that it could be no one else. He teased his cock, sighing as he did, and Sarah made a similar sound as she leaned closer to the screen.

Jareth moaned, and Sarah watched in fascination as he began teasing himself with the toy.

There was no way on Earth that could—

OK, clearly she was wrong.

Sarah's hips wiggled against the chair as Jareth took the beast all the way down to the base, and up again. His neglected cock bobbed up and down as he did, flexing impatiently.

"Jesus Christ..." Sarah muttered. Ignoring any reservations, her own hand snuck down between her legs, and into her jeans. She rubbed her clit through her underwear, eyes firmly on the screen.

When Jareth took the toy all of the way in, Sarah's eyes flew wide open noticing the effect it had on another part of his anatomy; his stomach bulged a little with every thrust.

Sarah knew for sure that such a thing should not have turned her on either. Except it did. "Shit..!" She whimpered, her fingers stroking faster.

It didn't take her long to come at all. Jareth's desperate, breathy whines in her ears tipping her over the edge quicker than she'd thought.

When her afterglow faded, Sarah pulled off the headphones, grimacing.

She was a terrible person.

He'd left the account logged in, and rather than log out like a normal person, she'd snooped. After she'd explicitly told him off for similar behaviour...

Sarah scrolled the page as she mulled over her own hypocrisy — and paused when she found the comments section.

 **XxfuckmachinexX:** Such a gorgeous body. PM me! I'll travel!

 **GK:** No thank you, I'm not on the market.

 **DiamondDoggieStyle:** Wish I could be the one fucking you.

 **GK:** That's nice. Unfortunately for you, I'm not looking.

 **Dark-Mistress:** Please please please tell me you're straight?! I have a strap on with your name on it ;)

 **GK:**  I only have eyes for one special person. Sorry.

Sarah leaned in a little further, and read through the replies on that particular thread.

 **Dark-Mistress:** Why wait? I'm right here ;)

 **GK:** A kind offer, but I've fallen rather deeply.

 **Dark-Mistress:** They're lucky. I hope they know how you feel.

 **GK:** Probably not. I can come off as rather abrasive at times. I think my flirtation gets mistaken for insincerity.

 **Dark-Mistress:** Sorry to hear that :( You should write them a letter. Get all your feelings out, and see what happens next.

 **GK:** I think I will. Thank you.

Sarah blushed puce, closing down the computer. The bracelet. Those comments. Surely he wasn't really talking about her. She was just putting two and two together and making five. Yes, that was it.

Not to mention the comments were dated a week ago, and Sarah had received no letter.

_'Stupid to even think that he'd actually like me...'_

 

* * *

 

Sarah had pre-rehearsed the entire exchange - along with Jareth's replies and how she would respond to them.

Except in the moment, all the rehearsals in the world weren't enough.

"SEX FILMS?!" She'd hollered, waving a spatula that evening at the kitchen table. "ON A DIAL UP CONNECTION?! IN MY HOUSE?!"

Jareth was turning pinker by the second. Sarah gave him a murderous look, and he chewed his lip, eyes downcast.

"I make the money back..." He whispered. Sarah dropped the spatula — he was actually charging people to watch that..?

Ignoring how clever an idea that actually was, Sarah stood a little straighter. "It's not about the money—"

"It is." Jareth looked almost scared for a moment. "That singing job..." He looked away again, fiddling with his gloves. "Well, it... fell through didn't it?"

"Oh." Sarah went to the fridge, and pulled out a drink. She set it on the table, taking a seat. "But you sing great?"

"Apparently my songs were getting boring." Jareth sniffed. He'd been told to stop singing the angsty love crap, as the band had so kindly put it.

Jareth had told them to stick their instruments up their collective ass — but not before stealing all of their cocaine.

He'd tried the stuff weeks before when it had been offered to him, completely oblivious. He didn't wish to offend anyone by saying no; he needed this job after all.

"Well it's their loss." Sarah spoke up. "Why make the videos though..?" She sounded sad.

"I've told you, Sarah... I don't have many talents... Above Ground people aren't very different from those Underground. I know what people like, and how to exploit that. And if it means money for rent—"

"I will **never** need rent money that badly, Jareth. Do you understand?" Jareth hummed. "I'm not your... pimp or something!" He decided quickly to change the subject.

"They would love you, Sarah..." It'd sounded much more romantic in his head, and not at all like a grimy proposition to become a cam girl...

Sarah felt a blush prickle at her cheeks. "Is that supposed to be a compliment..?!" She hissed.

"Yes." Jareth stated simply. "And I'd wager you would make even more than me. You have a lot of attractive traits, Sarah..." She flushed deeper still. "Full plump lips. Wonderful curves... Not to mention how vocal you are. You'd be in high demand."

"Thanks. I guess." Sarah cleared her throat, breaking eye contact. "But unlike you, I don't enjoy the idea of being passed around like that." She took a swig of the drink, the alcohol burning the back of her throat.

"And you think I enjoyed it..?" Jareth's voice sounded more offended than she'd ever heard it. Sarah stared cluelessly at him. "It was a means to an end. Nothing more."

"I... You seemed so unashamed about it." She stammered. Jareth's face softened.

"I feel no shame in doing what I had to. That still doesn't mean I _enjoyed_ it." He relaxed a little, taking the bottle when Sarah offered it. "The first months were the worst - until the _novelty_ wore off." Sarah looked confused. "There were lines around the city - and a lottery. 'Be the first to _break in_ the disgraced King. No limits. No boundaries'." He spat. "The first thirty or so were rather **eager** shall we say..." Sarah looked absolutely horrified. "I preferred it when the women bought me - at least they were gentle. Kinder."

"I didn't... Jareth..." Sarah felt sick with herself, a stone of guilt weighing heavily in her gut. "Did you get hurt..?" She was dreading the answer.

"Sometimes." He nodded. Oh how he wished he could lie; could put her frantic mind at rest. But she'd made him promise to tell the truth from now on. "Not many can say they encountered two male orcs in heat, and lived to tell the tale." He then laughed. Sarah went sheet white. "Precious, I'm fine. You 'saved' me. Remember?" He tried to cheer her up, offering her back the bottle.

Sarah took it, feeling too ill to give it another taste. She thumbed the label, unable to look Jareth in the eye. "Was there any..." She paused, steeling herself. "Lasting damage..?"

Jareth felt something in him flicker hopefully.

"Goblins are known for being sturdy creatures. I'm fine, Sarah." He watched her sag in relief.

"You're not lying, right..?" She then fixed him with a serious look.

"No more lies, Sarah. I told you that already." Sarah visibly relaxed again.

"Can you understand why I don't want you doing anything like that again?" She then spoke. "I don't care if you're only making videos - it's still... You don't have to live that life anymore. OK? I don't care if you can't pay rent one month. Just... Don't do that. We'll manage. Alright?"

"Alright." Jareth pretended not to see Sarah as she wiped away a frustrated tear. "If that's what you want."

"It is." She nodded, still looking away.

 

* * *

 

Jareth had been agonising over this letter. On the one hand it was a brilliant idea - he could explain his feelings to her, and save himself the embarrassment of stumbling over his own words.

But on the other hand, he wouldn't be able to take it back once it was out there. But on the _other_ hand—

Suddenly the sheet of paper was off the table, and in Hoggle's hand.

"Didn't know you could write..."

"Didn't know you could read." Jareth spat, trying to pinch it back. "Besides, it's not for your eyes, you scrote!"

 _"Sarah my love, my one, my Queen."_ Hoggle paused. "You can't write that." He sniffed, giving the letter a critical look. Jareth made another grab for it, but the dwarf held him away with his spare hand.

"And what do you know about anything?!" Jareth hissed.

"I know that out of the two of us, I'm the only one who's getting any."

Jareth screamed.

"Now now!" Didymus plucked the letter from Hoggle's grasp, and Jareth did a double take. "No need to get hysterical, my boy... You just need to..." He skimmed the page. "Ah see! Where you've written that you will love her eternally - you should really have said that you will fight and slay her enemies - and lay their corpses at her feet!"

"Really..?" Jareth sounded unsure.

"Oh my, yes. A lady likes to know that she can depend upon you. She needs to feel safe. Secure! Then you'll be balls deep, I say!" Jareth hummed thoughtfully, nodding.

Ludo then chipped in. "Give Sarah rock..."

"A rock..?" Jareth eyed the creature with suspicion. Before he even knew what was happening, Ludo was roaring, and Jareth's bedroom was suddenly full of boulders and gravel.

His window was also broken.

 

* * *

 

The letter had gone over so many revisions; it was now a tattered, scribbled mess.

Sarah held it up, recognising her friend's handwriting. She assumed that this was a collective effort; and Jareth had become too shy in the end to say a word. "Wow you guys..." She held the page away, squinting unsurely. "Is that blood..?"

"She noticed!" Sir Didymus whispered excitedly.

"Guys, this is really sweet, but—" She missed the crestfallen look on Jareth's face. Her eyes were instead focussed on the small, shiny pebble that had been sellotaped to the bottom of the page. "You don't have to write me letters. Maybe just... use your words..?" Sarah then re-read the vividly written paragraph about disembowelment.

Didymus was the first to pipe up. "But my lady, _we_ didn't—" Jareth's hand was over his mouth within seconds. Like hell would he admit to that pile of horseshit. He knew it had been a stupid idea to let them help!

"What Didymus is _trying_ to say..." Hoggle narrowed his eyes. "Is that we just want you to know how much we appreciate you." He then added, " **All** of us..."

"That's sweet." Sarah conceded. It wasn't exactly the best letter in the world, but it had come from the heart. And that was what really mattered, right? "Which part did _you_ write..?" She then chanced a shy look at Jareth.

"Which part did you like the best?" Sarah let out a surprised bark of laughter.

"Dumbass..." She tittered, leaving the room with the letter - her cheeks bright pink. It would later find itself pinned to the mirror of her vanity with all of her favourite photos, cards, and ticket stubs.

Jareth swelled with self importance. "I told you she'd like my letter." He grinned.

 _"Your_ letter..?" Hoggle scowled. Didymus and Ludo remained jovial, glad that their friend had managed to ingratiate himself with Sarah. That was why they'd offered their help in the first place after all.

"Alright, mostly mine, but with some of your help." Jareth then turned to Didymus and Ludo. "I thank you..."

The fox terrier was taking off his hat and bowing before Hoggle could start another argument. "The pleasure is ours, your highne— _erm..._ Good sir!"

"King friend..." Ludo imitated the bow, and Jareth sniffed slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cam girl Jareth; something you all needed.


	13. No Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth gets the hang of this 'stop lying' thing.

"My feet hurt..." Hoggle whimpered, taking in the journey still ahead of them. On the horizon stood the Golden Arches Jareth had told him about. "Can't you just y'know..." Jareth stared blankly at the man. "Poof us there?"

"And if there are people _already_ there..?" The fae then gave a weary sigh. "I am too exhausted to wipe memories today..."

"You don't have any magic left, do you..?!" Hoggle then squeaked.

Jareth ran his tongue over his teeth, the corner of his mouth twisting. "No." Hoggle gave him a look. "I have had to reverse a lot of fires, and reorder time when Sarah walked in on me—"

"Wouldn't it just be easier to learn how to cook? And not spend most of your alone time with your hand down your pants?"

Jareth paled. "S-She told you..?!"

"There are some things you can't erase, even with magic." Hoggle huffed. "Does Sarah know you can run empty..?" The dwarf's face was calculating - until Jareth pointed a finger in it.

"No she does not. And she will not either." He warned. "Just get your arse back to the Underground after this, and get me some gemstones." Hoggle sighed. "And don't go trying to fob me off with cubic zirconia again. You hear me?!" Jareth still had hives from the last time.

"It's pretty hard not to hear you when you shriek like that, your highness!" Hoggle hissed, jumping to the side when Jareth tried to backhand him.

"Such insolence!!!" The man bellowed before wrapping his kimono more firmly around his person. It was getting cold... "Besides, your prayers have been answered it seems..." Jareth's eyes lit up when he saw a bus approach. "If anyone asks, the circus is in town."

Hoggle narrowed his eyes. "I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure it was offensive..."

Jareth might have been out of magic, but that didn't mean he was out of charm. He somehow managed to procure seats without payment, something Hoggle was curious about.

"What'd you say..?" He narrowed his bulbous eyes.

Jareth smirked slightly. "I may have... Promised a service in return." Hoggle gagged, unable to prepare himself for such an answer - or the subsequent mental images it created... "It was a lie." Jareth affirmed, rubbing his chest.

"Keep lying, and you'll fall apart, you know..."

Jareth shook his head, grinning; he'd only promised _Sarah_ that he wouldn't lie. "That almost sounded like concern..."

"Well, Sarah's gonna be the one picking up the pieces..!" Hoggle panicked.

Jareth turned faintly pink around the cheeks. "So you admit she cares for me." His mouth curled up in satisfaction.

"I lied!" Hoggle was waving his hands. "It's _me_ who cares about you, not her—!"

"Nice try, Hoghead." Hoggle groaned. "I've seen the way she looks at me. Seen the way her line of sight tends to... Linger in _a certain area—"_

"Only because you leave it hanging out all the time!!!" Hoggle screeched. Jareth wasn't listening, a dopey smile tugging at his lips.

 

* * *

 

Jareth pushed past Hoggle, holding the tattered kimono in his arms like a newborn baby.

They'd missed their bus after Jareth got iron-related-diarrhoea*, and had had to wait two hours for the next. At night.

Jareth was never one to balk, nor would he call himself a chicken under usual circumstances. But night buses were scary.

More so the oddballs and freak shows that frequented them.

Jareth didn't include himself in that. He was just unlucky! And certainly the least abnormal of the bunch.

Even Hoggle seemed debonair on the Night Bus.

In Jareth's haste to get out once they arrived at their stop, he had somehow managed to get himself entangled with one of the passengers, delaying him enough so that the doors began to close, and the wheels began turning.

Hoggle had already jumped through the door, of course, not waiting for him. And Jareth wasn't about to spend one more second on this death trap!

Even if the next bus stop _was_ just around the corner...

Jareth left the torn up piece of clothing over the side of the chair in his bedroom, deciding on a hot bath. Half to wash off the stench of public transport, and half to sort out his tear streaked makeup.

"It's as damaged as him." Hoggle whispered to Sarah who was trying to sneak into the room. She gave the dwarf a disapproving look as she snatched the kimono. "What're you gonna do..?"

Sarah looked at the piece of clothing, assessing the damage. It was absolutely ruined. And it had _been_ half ruined before the incident tonight; Jareth wore that thing everywhere, like some kind of demented security blanket.

It wasn't healthy. Not one bit. But it was still sweet. Kind of. Sweet that it was the first thing Sarah had 'given' him, and he had clearly treasured it.

"I'm gonna fix it." She walked through the apartment, ignoring Hoggle's wary lingering stare.

Sarah gave the thing a good wash (the first in months, she'd wager), and then got her sewing machine set up as it dried. She wasn't particularly skilled, but it shouldn't have been more than a patch up job anyway.

"You should just throw it in the bin..." Hoggle angled, crying out when Sarah threw an especially large cotton reel at his head.

"Pass me the scissors, Hogwart..." Hoggle did so, his mouth agape.

 

* * *

 

Jareth stared at the kimono, his eyes wide. "That bus door really tore it up, so I had to lose some of the length..." Sarah spoke tentatively. "But I took it in a bit too, so it should hang a lot better—"

"It's perfect." Jareth held it, still gawping. "You did this for me?" His voice was tiny and awestruck.

"Well yeah?" Sarah smiled a bit, overwhelmed by the seriousness in his eyes. "I couldn't just throw it out. You really liked it. I know it's not the same, but—"

"I love it." Jareth whispered. Sarah had, with her own two hands, fixed this for him. Because it would make him happy, and for no other reason than that.

Sarah's eyebrows shot up when Jareth's arms wrapped around her. "Hey..." She laughed shyly, patting him on the back. "Easy, tiger..." Jareth squeezed her a little tighter, and Sarah smiled, returning the gesture.

When they broke apart, Jareth's face was serious. A gloved finger snuck under her chin. He could do this... She stared up at him expectantly. "Sarah..."

"Yes..?" Her hands found the front of his shirt before she could stop herself.

He could do this; he did it under the mistletoe for crying out loud! "You..." Sarah held her breath. "Have... something in your teeth."

"Oh." Sarah touched her mouth.

"Yes, it's..." Sarah scrubbed at her gums with a finger. "It's gone..."

"Thanks..." She nodded, as Jareth made a beeline for the door. Once he was in the hallway, he covered his face with both hands before screaming into them.

IDIOT.

 

* * *

 

Sarah knew this was a dream. For one, Jareth's skin seemed to be made from glitter, and Sarah was wearing some kind of pagan-like period dress, and a circlet atop her head.

But Sarah had managed, with practice, to convince herself to continue dreaming as soon as she realised it was happening.  
  
And once that happened, she was able to enjoy herself without any qualms.  
  
She could also do things she was far too stubborn to admit to wanting.  
  
"Jareth..." Her hands skimmed over his body, relishing in the softness of it. He hummed happily, leaning into her touch.  
  
"My Queen..." Jareth was on his knees, completely naked. There was a collar around his neck, the lead of which was tied to a nearby bedpost.  
  
"My slave..." Sarah grinned, tickling his chin. "Just what am I going to do with you?" She knelt beside him, her nose quick to nudge his. "What..." His excited breaths ghosted over her lips. "Am I..." He whimpered when her hand wrapped around his cock. "Going to do..." Jareth hissed; Sarah had bit his ear. "With you..?"  
  
"Sarah, please..." He whined, rocking his hips.  
  
"Ah ah ah... What do we say?"  
  
"Please... my Queen?"  
  
"That's better." Sarah stood, gripping his hair before giving it a tug. "Slave."  
  
"Sarah." She sighed, pouting. "Sarah..."  
  
_"Jareth."_ She whined petulantly. "Stay in _character—"_  
  
"Wake up, Sarah..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Wake up... Wake up, Sarah... Wake _up—"_  
  
Sarah let out an abrupt snort, her eyes wide and awake. "Huh..?"  
  
"Sarah, love, wake up. Where did you put the dust sucking device?" Sarah groaned, sitting up.  
  
"Y-You mean the vacuum cleaner..?" She blinked back the sleep before rubbing it out of her eyes. "Wait." Her vision adjusted. "Are you covered in glitter?" She then started to see red. "In my room..?!" Oh god, she'd never get rid of it..!  
  
"I know, I know..." Jareth held his hands up, his face imploring.  
  
"What even happened?" She couldn't stay angry with him, not when he flashed those big mismatched goblin eyes.  
  
He was worse than Pico...  
  
"The postman arrived." He was, she then realised, holding a postal tube. Sarah snatched it.  
  
"Angelica..." She hissed, reading the pompous twirly handwriting.  
  
"I know I shouldn't have opened your post—" Sarah's scowl softened. "But I don't trust that cow, and it reeks of her—"

"Yup. Wait." Sarah squinted. "How did you know it was from her?" There was no return address - even Angelica wasn't that stupid.

"I just said. It reeks of her." Jareth's nose wrinkled as he glared at the tube in Sarah's hand.  
  
"Oh. You can smell that?" Jareth nodded. "Huh." Sarah threw the now empty 'glitter bomb' off the side of the bed. She chanced another look at Jareth. "I had a dream you were covered in glitter." She then burst out laughing.  
  
Jareth straightened, and promptly shook his head, covering Sarah as well.  
  
"You fucking shit!" Still Sarah couldn't stop herself from laughing. "You are so dead..." She jumped off the bed, and chased him from the room.

 

* * *

 

Jareth sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Why oh why did Sarah always have to make such a fuss?!

"It's no business of _yours_ what I choose to sit on in the privacy of my own room, Sa-rah!" He hollered.

"It is if you leave it **hanging up to dry on the coat rack!"** Sarah was waving the twelve inch floppy dildo above her head. "What if someone rang the doorbell?!"

Jareth suddenly felt a lurch of panic when Sarah headed for the front door. "Oh don't you— don't you _dare..!"_ He chased after her.

 

* * *

 

Irene made sure the gift she'd brought for Sarah and Jareth was neatly placed within the bag as her and Robert climbed the stairs to Sarah's apartment.  
  
"They'll just love these..!" She smiled.  
  
When they got just shy of Sarah's front door, raised voices had the two of them raising their eyebrows.  
  
"Lovers tiff." Robert sighed. He knew that it was only a matter of time.  
  
Just before he raised his hand to knock on the door, it opened, and there stood Sarah. His daughter. Holding a dildo over her head, about to chuck it down the stairwell.  
  
"D-Daddy..?"  
  
"Sarah." Robert looked very green very quickly - almost the same shade as Jareth's face mask.  
  
The goblin snatched the "Anal-ator" while Sarah was distracted. He was also wearing a pink satin robe that barely covered his arse, and a pair of fluffy high heeled slippers.  
  
_"Reorder time..."_ Sarah whispered.  
  
_"I can't."_ He whispered back.  
  
_"You—_ You WHAT?!" Sarah grabbed him by the arms, steering him into the next room. "What do you mean you can't..?!"  
  
"Every so often I... run low on magic. You remember last week when I blew up the microwave?"  
  
"Yes." Sarah recalled it then in vivid technicolor. He'd called her up at work in a panic, and she had allowed him - just this once - to use magic in order to reverse his fuck up.  
  
"Well, it took a lot because I forgot to replenish from the time before that, when I accidentally made the washing machine catch fire..."  
  
"Oh." Sarah's blood was running colder by the second. "So you mean to tell me... that my dad will never be able to forget the mental picture of me holding a cervix battering ram, and you in your Sunday best?!"  
  
"I'm detecting hostility." Jareth narrowed his eyes. "Jealous that I work this outfit better than you?!"  
  
"Hardly!" Sarah spat. "Answer the question!"  
  
"I'd need to recharge."  
  
"And how do you do that?" Sarah growled dangerously.  
  
"How likely would you be to believe me if I said 'thirteen hours of rampant sex'..?"  
  
"Jareth!"  
  
_"Alright!"_ His voice was even higher than Sarah's by this point.  
  
"Just... put some pants on." Sarah had lost track of the amount of times she'd said that.  
  
"I don't want them thinking I'm ashamed—!" Sarah then made the sort of noise that had Jareth running to find a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  
  
They would have to make the best of a bad situation, Sarah decided. "Wash that shit off your face too." She added, ignoring the withering look Jareth gave her. "They're not exactly gonna stay long after all this. Then you can freeball all you want."  
  
"I'll reorder time later. I promise." Sarah sighed at that.  
  
"Forget it." Not understanding the way in which Jareth's magic actually worked (and his ability to merely cherry pick past events without altering the future), Sarah didn't want to chance a thing. "Rewind it when there's a fire. We can get through one embarrassing day, Jareth. We're adults." She stood a little straighter as if trying to make herself believe that.  
  
"You might be." He chuckled, searching for some socks. "I'm a goblin."  
  
"An **adult** goblin." Sarah thrust a pink pair of her own socks into his hands. "Just wear these..." Pink socks were the least of their problems after The Beast.  
  
But Jareth was much more than just an adult goblin by now. If he aged by human standards, he'd look worse than Hoggle. Sarah didn't need to know that, he reckoned.  
  
When the two of them emerged, Robert and Irene were still by the front door; the former still looking off colour.  
  
"Tea?" Sarah sighed. Irene was quick to say 'yes!', and Robert begrudgingly nodded.  
  
Sarah managed to explain away the sex toy, blaming a newbie postman for delivering a package to the wrong house. Jareth's feminine charms however could not be glossed over quite so easily...  
  
"And the face mask has bee venom in it?" Irene was leaning in, enthralled.  
  
"Yes, its very good for wrinkles." Jareth smiled. Robert looked a tad uncomfortable, but to his credit he said nothing.  
  
Sarah brought out the fancy biscuits, and Robert thawed a little. She knew his weakness by now.  
  
But Robert, much like Toby when the plot called for it, couldn't stay silent for long.  
  
"Is he gay?" Sarah choked on her sip of tea, and Jareth was quick to pat her back.  
  
"DAD!" She continued hacking. "I think I would know!"  
  
"Jareth, its fine if you are—" Sarah growled at her dad. "And I know Sarah's always been a bit of a _tomboy—"_ Irene tutted. "But guys— Real Men, they don't wear dressing gowns and... L'Oréal!"  
  
Jareth straightened, his chin lifting defiantly. He always wanted to make a good impression on Sarah's father - it meant a lot to him to get the man's approval.  
  
"It's Elizabeth Arden, actually." The goblin folded his arms. "And I'm not a **real** man." Sarah paled, her voice stalling at the back of her throat.  
  
Within seconds Jareth was stood, his casual clothing transforming into tights, leather, and his trademark cape.  
  
"I'm a **goblin."** A crystal ball then wove between his fingers effortlessly. "And goblins wear _whatever they damn well please."_ He then took a seat, folding his arms with a childish pout.  
  
The room fell into complete silence before Sarah screamed, "JARETH!"  
  
"Oh, they had to find out eventually, Precious..." He sighed. "And you're always telling me not to lie—"  
  
"IRRELEVANT!" She was so far beyond seeing red that it was verging on ultraviolet. "And you said you were out of magic..!"  
  
Jareth continued to pout. "I said I was running _low..."_ Robert and Irene just sat there silently before the latter was the first to speak.  
  
"Toby..!" She pointed at Jareth. "A 'Goblin King', that's what he called you..!" Irene looked at Sarah, desperate for an explanation.  
  
"OK." Sarah nodded, steeling herself. "Don't freak out, but..."  
  
Ten minutes later, Robert was pacing the room. **"Wished him away?!"**  
  
"I said I was sorry!" Sarah gave Jareth a murderous look. "And he wasn't in any real danger!"  
  
"Sarah, you—" Robert pointed a finger at her dramatically. "You're **grounded..!"**  
  
"Robert..."  
  
"No, she is!" He protested. Irene just placed a hand on his shoulder until the man calmed down.  
  
"If it helps, she put herself through a lot of danger in order to get him back..." Jareth piped up, earning another glare from Sarah. "And I was never going to _keep_ Toby—"  
  
"WHAT?!" Sarah rounded on the goblin who was now holding his hands up. "You mean I spent thirteen hours in your _midlife crisis_ of a maze—" Jareth glowered. "—and it was for nothing?!"  
  
"That midlife crisis as you so kindly put it was to stop you from being such a brat!" Jareth was standing nose to nose with Sarah. "Obviously it didn't work!"  
  
"Oh, you're one to talk! You **lived** there, and you're the biggest brat I _know!"_ Jareth let out a shriek of a gasp, backing away. "And another thing—!"  
  
"After all I **did** for you—!"  
  
"I didn't ask you to do **anything—!"**  
  
"So _ungrateful!"_  
  
"Such a _drama queen!"_  
  
Their argument was interrupted by Irene's shrill scream— well, actually it had been Roberts, but Sarah and Jareth had both assumed otherwise - as would you, had you heard it.  
  
"A rat..!" Robert was pointing at Pico who had crawled up onto the table, face-deep in the bag of expensive chocolates Irene had brought with her.  
  
"A goblin." Jareth corrected. He clicked his fingers. "Pico—" He tried again, firmly. "PICO. Stop! I SAID STOP!" He grabbed the creature, who growled, chocolate all over his furry mouth. "Don't give me that face." He chided, cradling him. Pico hissed, his eyes glowing.  
  
"That's a goblin..." Robert nodded. "And _you're_ a goblin." He seemed to be trying to figure something out. "But you don't look anything alike—?"  
  
"Robert, don't be so intolerant!" Irene whispered. "I'm sorry, Jareth. He didn't mean that." Robert stared at everyone else in the room, stunned.  
  
"How are you fine with this?! Our daughter— MY daughter is dating a goblin! Who stole our baby—!"  
  
"Borrowed." Jareth whispered.  
  
"We've had worse people babysit him." Irene was massaging Robert's shoulders now. "Remember the young girl with the Mohawk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * read, the dumbass ate too many cheeseburgers and got the shits because of the iron


	14. Never Get Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its Jareth's birthday.

Jareth yawned, opening his bedroom door. At precisely the same moment that Sarah was holding the hairdryer to her sweat drenched knickers, fanning it from side to side.

She looked up, her eyes wide. Jareth chanced a nervous smile.

"GET OUT!!!" She screeched, throwing her hairbrush.

Wrong room.

 

* * *

 

 

Jareth hated this.

Sarah had marched him down to the opticians after the incident that morning, and the goblin was not pleased.

Worst of all, he couldn't lie these days without chancing sudden violent diarrhoea - and so was unable to cheat his way through the eye test.

Jareth needed glasses.

Sarah knew about his bad eye, and had worried that the other might've been overcompensating.

That, and one day when he'd traipsed through the sitting room, he'd tried to take a seat on Hoggle, confusing him with the ugly armchair he usually plopped himself down in.

Jareth was adamant that the poor lighting in Sarah's house was to blame, and Hoggle for standing in such a stupid place!

Jareth's bad eye was officially declared blind, and the other one indeed taking the strain had suffered some loss - but not a drastic amount.

Either way, he left the opticians that very same day with an ugly pair of budget frames - the best that Sarah could afford. Since Jareth's singing job had fallen through (and since they only technically needed the one lens) they'd saved a little extra.

Jareth glared at his reflection - for now he could see the fine lines around his face. Some far deeper than he had been aware of, and others completely new to him.

He could also see Sarah much more clearly.

Had her eyebrows always been so thick and luscious..? Had her eyes sparkled so brilliantly this entire time?!

He could see every freckle, and every eyelash. She looked... stunning. And what was he?! A wizened old ballbag for a face, and... was his neck sagging..?! Jareth grabbed one of his moisturisers, rubbing it urgently across every problem area.

 

* * *

 

"Don't you need those..?" Sarah narrowed her eyes at Jareth as he pretended to do the crossword - his glasses on the side table, and the newspaper in his hands upside down.

The goblin sighed before picking them up, and shoving them on with another put upon sigh. "There. Happy?" He was pouting.

"What's wrong?" Jareth's lower lip jutted out further. "Something's bothering you. And I don't need this atmosphere. Spit it out."

"I..." Jareth took off his glasses. "They make me look old." He hissed. Sarah simply stared at him.

"I knew you were vain, but... wow." Sarah shook her head. "Jareth, they don't make you look old. Just... distinguished." It wasn't a lie, even in budget frames he looked strangely hot.

"In the mirror... I can see every wrinkle." He whimpered. Sarah had to fight not to pull a face. "I'm old..."

"You're not old—"

"I'll be five thousand next week."

Sarah made a choking noise. "Uh..." She hurried to compose herself. "Well... you're looking really good on it." Jareth folded his arms with a sniff. "Seriously!"

"You're just saying that..."

"Jareth, maybe this is a sign." He stared curiously at her. "That you need to stop spending half your day in front of the mirror and... live? You've got talents, and stuff you like to do besides that, right?"

Jareth looked as though we was about to burst into tears.

"Right..?"

Jareth wailed, covering his face with his hands. "I'm... not... good... at... anything..!" He cried between deep breaths.

"Oh, that's not true..." Sarah patted his back awkwardly.

"I-It is..! All I can do... is lay there and get fucked!" Sarah blanched. "And... I don't even have my looks anymore!!!"

Oh god. How to salvage this conversation..?!

"You're actually... kinda cute." Shit. She'd only meant it to be a kind comment, but the way he was looking at her now... "For a goblin." Sarah added, blushing. "That is what you are... right?" Sarah recalled then the conversation she'd had with Hoggle after Jareth had 'outed' himself to her parents.

 

* * *

 

_"But goblins are supposed to be ugly, right?" Sarah had huffed one morning over toast. Jareth was still snoring his hangover away two rooms over, and Hoggle was keeping her company for breakfast._

_"Jareth's not your run of the mill goblin - but that's what he is. Though he always called himself a 'changeling prince' growing up - less stigma." Sarah's expression shifted a little in understanding. "If the rest of them thought he was human, it was easier to get them to listen! I mean, look how easy it was for you to run rings round em..."_

_"Oh..."_

_"And by goblin standards, he's pretty ugly, all things considered." Hoggle went on. "No hump. No tail! Like some... deformed kind of freak!"_

_"Hoggle." Sarah's voice was firm._

_"Well... now you know. And I stands by what I said! Goblins are weird little masochists - the meaner you treat em, the more they like you!" Sarah rolled her eyes as Hoggle went on. "You'll never get rid of him!"_

 

* * *

 

"Yes." Jareth blushed, looking away. "That is what I am." He'd worried about that little barrier from the moment they'd met.

Sarah had definitely returned his affections in the Labyrinth. Jareth wasn't stupid - he'd noticed the way those green eyes drank him in. He'd noticed how she stared in awe - not in disgust. Jareth had Sarah's budding hormones on his side back then. She was mystified, and drawn to his presence.

But now she was older. Smarter. She understood the truth of him. He wasn't a powerful King of the Goblins anymore. Just some sad, maladjusted fool who used his magic to hide those traits.

Sarah could see through it all.

"Well." Sarah's voice cut through his thoughts then. "You don't look half bad." Jareth's eyes widened. "Better than most, even when you're not trying. And even with glasses." She grinned.

 

* * *

 

Usually Jareth was awake before Sarah most mornings - if only to raid the fridge before she could...

Sarah knocked on his door. It was close to midday, and Sarah had bought a discounted cake for his birthday. "Hey, wake up! You've got presents to open."

"Presents..?!" There was a panicked scuttling sound as he appeared by the door before backing away from it. "I'm not feeling very well... I think I'll just stay in bed all day—" Jareth cringed, his insides gurgling ominously.

"You're shit at lying." Jareth whimpered. "Open the door— wait." Sarah paused, a sickly feeling in the pit of her gut. "Is there... someone in there..?"

Jareth didn't respond right away, and Sarah wanted to punch the door, for what good it would do her.

"No... its just me..." His voice sounded sad, and now Sarah really was worried.

"Hey, c'mon. I bought a cake. Your mom is here— shit... that was supposed to be a surprise..." Sarah tucked her hair behind her ears. "Just... come out. There's a good goblin..."

The door clicked open, but Jareth only let it swing half an inch, too afraid to push further. Sarah grabbed the handle, pulling—

"J-Jareth..?" Her eyes were close to popping out of her skull. He still looked like Jareth, just... older. The fine lines on his face were deeper, and new ones had also appeared.

His hooded eyes were even more droopy, and Sarah spotted jowls.

But damn it if he wasn't the hottest older man she'd ever laid eyes on.

It wasn't fair.

It was bullshit!

"Don't look at me..." His face was soon in his hands, and Jareth was crying. "I'm hideous..."

"Boy... when goblins have birthdays, you know about it, huh?" She drew a little closer. "Hey... stop that..." Sarah patted his shoulder. "You don't look bad, really..."

"I'm a monster..." Jareth continued to whimper. Sarah rolled her eyes.

"For fuck sake, Jareth." The goblin looked up, his mascara running. "Are you in pain every day?" He shook his head. "Does your body make you bleed when you're not supposed to, and ruin your favourite pants that you saved up for for months, and now the crotch is orange even after you bleached it over and over and—" Sarah took a deep breath. "If being wrinkled is the worst of your problems, you don't really have any."

Sarah got up, the door snapping shut loudly behind her.

 

* * *

 

When Jareth entered the kitchen, everyone was there. Sarah, Hoggle, Didymus, Ludo, and his mother. Pico was there too of course.

A chorus of Happy Birthday was sung, and Jareth struggled not to burst into tears again. Hoggle had been instructed not to say a word regarding the goblin's appearance; but this was perfect. Because now Sarah could see how old Jareth was. She'd never go near him...

The dwarf grinned to himself, the present he'd bought Jareth now at the forefront of his mind.

Didymus passed a wrapped package to Jareth after everyone had finished their cake. "Happiest of birthdays, my boy." His whiskers twitched. "From Sir Ludo and myself. We saw them and thought of you."

Jareth tore the decorative paper off eagerly. "Oh..."

"We thought you'd be in need of some now!" Jareth held up the slippers, his face struggling not to frown. "They're very comfy..."

"Thank you..." He placed them on the table, his eyelid twitching. Hoggle then offered his present.

"Aren't you gonna open it?" Jareth nodded weakly, starting to tear the paper. Sarah was about to knock it out of his hands, a sudden bad feeling surfacing but Hoggle interrupted. _"Sarah_ helped me pick it..."

Oh that no good, rotten little pipsqueak..!

Jareth's eyes lit up, and he ripped it open. And then he stopped when he saw what was inside.

"Is this a joke..?" He whispered quietly. Hoggle was holding in his laughter, his eyes bulging.

"Oh, those come in handy, actually..." Agnes interjected. Jareth was shaking now. Sarah stood up, absolutely mortified.

"Jareth..."

"Well, perhaps **you** could do with these." He threw the bag of absorbent pants at her, his cheeks flushed. "Since you're always on the rag!" He screeched.

Sarah was very quiet for a moment. And when she broke that silence, it took Jareth a few seconds to realise she was crying.

He'd made Sarah cry.

Sarah did the only thing she could, and ran; she didn't want everyone looking at her. Least of all Jareth.

Hoggle felt an uncharacteristic pang of guilt as the goblin chased after her. Ludo narrowed his eyes at the dwarf before offering a slow clap.

When Jareth found Sarah, she was curled up on her bed.

It must've been bad, because not once did she scream at him to get out of her room. Jareth sat on the furthest edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry." He snuck a quick glance at Sarah out of the corner of his eye. Her hair was over her face, a package clutched tightly to her chest. "I should never have said that." Sarah clutched the package tighter. "I'm an arsehole."

Sarah then sat up before thrusting the present into his arms. "This is my gift." She watched him cautiously open it, and then watched as the guilt spread across his face. It was satisfying, but not much. "Hoggle was just... being an ass. I can't believe him—!"

"You weren't to know." Jareth was still staring at the expensive makeup palette. He knew how much it cost - and he knew how much Sarah earned. She must've used her savings...

"You really hurt my feelings." Sarah blinked the last few tears back. "But what hurts most is that you believed that I'd do that to you." She looked at him sadly. "Do you really think I'm that mean..?"

"N-No." Jareth sniffed, thick tears in his eyes. Sarah hated him right now; but what she hated more was that she couldn't hate him for long. Especially when he turned on the waterworks.

"Anyway, I'm keeping those pants." Sarah tucked her hair behind her ears again. "Like you said, I'm always on the—"

"I'm so sorry." His expression was mournful.

"Well, you'll never know when I'll have a bad day." She sighed, folding her arms behind her head. "And they don't come cheap either... I'll speak to Hoggle."

The dwarf had known exactly how Jareth would react to having one of his major buttons pushed — and he knew that no matter who it was, he'd bite the head off the person he thought responsible.

Sarah was starting to get sick of Hoggle's attitude. The constant sniping, and pinning them against one another.

Jareth clutched the makeup palette a little tighter. "Thank you... it's just what I wanted." His lips twitched, but Jareth decided to stay silent. Sarah sighed, ruffling his hair.

"Dumbass, you think I didn't notice you drooling over it?" She steeled herself giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "C'mon, they'll be wondering where we are, and I've still got to chew Hoggle out." Sarah laughed when Jareth's face lit up.

"Can I watch..?"

 

* * *

 

The party was over, and everyone with the exception of Sarah, Jareth, and Pico had left.

Hoggle had been told to come back the next day, but Sarah wasn't about to hint why. She wanted to be alone with her friend when she spoke to him.

Sarah still couldn't fathom why Jareth was so sensitive about his age. He was the cutest five thousand year old goblin she'd ever seen. Not that she'd seen many...

His lips were thinner, his eyebrows a little more wiry, and his face etched with a few deeper lines.

But Sarah still caught herself staring at him. His new voice didn't help either. The same as it had been, except a little lower - more gravely...

The point was, he had nothing to be freaking out over. So Sarah wasn't sure why he'd now hidden himself away again.

But then, trying to fathom Jareth's mind was like trying to solve a Rubik's cube that was on fire. Far too much effort.

Sarah looked out of the kitchen window. "That's weird..." There were black clouds, thick and ominous above their house; so dark they nearly blotted out the sun.

Sarah squinted, noticing Jareth was sat outside; he seemed to be talking to himself.

She screamed when there was a deafening crash of thunder - at exactly the same time a bolt of lightening hit Jareth square in the face.

Sarah rushed into the back garden, her own safety secondary right now. The sun lounger he'd been perched upon had collapsed, and Jareth was lying on his back, the upper half of his body covered in what looked like soot and ash.

"Jareth..?!" Sarah picked him up with surprising ease. Jareth stirred, humming in contentment to himself. Sarah finally noticed the very large erection in his pants when it twitched against her arm, and she struggled not to drop him. "Never thought I'd say this - but thank god you're alive..." She growled, carrying him into the house.

Unbeknownst to Sarah, a pair of eyes high above took in the scene with interest.

 

* * *

 

Sarah had waited outside the door as Jareth showered. Except Sarah wasn't going to have it on her conscience if Jareth suddenly dropped dead in there. She cracked the door ajar, and peered in.

"Sarah, all you had to do was ask..." Jareth's voice was light and playful from behind the shower curtain. "We can share the water, I don't mind..." His smirk grew when the door snapped shut loudly. "Last chance..?" He held back a snort when Sarah harrumphed loudly.

When Jareth finally emerged, Sarah nearly dropped dead herself. He looked at least thirty years younger, every fine line on his face now gone. His eyes were brighter, and his stunning bone structure even more apparent.

If Sarah didn't feel bad enough about her own plain appearance, she sure as shit did now.

"Well..?" Jareth bounced on the spot, readying himself for the moment when she'd launch herself into his arms.

"Yeah, you look—" Don't say perfect, she reminded herself. Or great. Or anything stupid. "Dashing..?"

"Oh..." Jareth face turned rosy. She thought him dashing... Surely that meant that she wanted him to sweep her up into his arms, and kiss her, and—

"Jareth..?" Sarah was waving a hand in front of his face, concerned that he was about to lose consciousness. He had that familiar far away look on his face. Sarah snapped her fingers, and finally he looked at her. "Are you feeling alright..?"

"Peachy." He affirmed.

Jareth was at a loss as to why she'd slapped him.

 

* * *

 

 

_"How many times, Jareth..." The deity pinched the bridge of his nose — Jareth was his 'best customer', and he was beginning to get sick of it._

_"Just one more time..? The last, I swear!"_

_Jupiter scowled. "You say that every time." A dusky hand ran itself through jet hair. "And every time it is a lie."_

_"At the time it's the truth; surely that counts for something..." Jareth was clever with his words, and Jupiter hated that._

_"I have an idea." A pair of lightening blue eyes twinkled, made even starker by the black scleras surrounding them. "The girl—"_

_"Is off limits." Jupiter then tittered._

_"You misunderstand. And obviously you've forgotten what it is I really do for a living." He waited for Jareth to engage his brain. "I don't just offer cosmic facelifts, you know..." Jupiter huffed._

_"If you're suggesting what I think you are..." Jupiter nodded. "She doesn't care for me. Not in that way."_

_"I can make her." The silence in the air was thick. "The ancient Greeks were in love with love potions. Who do you think was responsible for that?"_

_"I have a better idea." Jareth had decided this months ago - practically after the day Sarah had come to his rescue._

_A life without Sarah would be pointless. And a life after Sarah would be painful._

_"This time really will be the last." Jupiter smirked, waiting. "Turn back my time now. Make me young again - and I'll give you the rest."_

_"You'll give me eternity..?" Jupiter tapped his chin thoughtfully. "How long do you want before I come for it?"_

_"Until Sarah breathes her last breath."_

_"You'll be mortal. You'll catch colds, and your magic will disappear..." Jareth nodded solemnly. "And you'll have to start brushing your teeth!"_

_"Understood."_

_"Well then..." Jupiter's grin turned into a genuine smile. Soulmates were always his weakness. "I guess it's a deal..."_


	15. Look at life; it's no piece of cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoggle's in trouble...

_Jareth and Sarah were taking a stroll together when their lives took a decidedly odd turn that day._

_It was an unseasonably warm afternoon, and the two of them decided to make the most of it, opting to spend it in the park._

_When they were walking back home some hours later, Jareth surprised Sarah by suddenly bending down in the street._

_"What are you—?" Sarah squinted before pulling a face of revulsion. "Is that a snail..?"_

_"Sarah! Mind how you speak around royalty..!" Jareth hissed. He then looked back at the snail. "I'm so sorry, Your Highness; she is but a commoner— hey..!" He growled when Sarah swatted the back of his head._

_Apparently getting to where you needed to get to, as a snail, could take some time. And Jareth was in a decidedly charitable mood today - not to mention the snail kingdom was one of the richest ones around. If he played his cards right, he and Sarah could buy themselves a house, and never have to pay rent again!_

_He smiled dopily to himself, imagining making her lunch, and waving her off to work every morning. And the mindblowing sex once she got home..._

_"Jareth..?" Sarah kept her voice low. The goblin hummed, still imagining naughty things. "Jareth, is he really the prince of the snail kingdom..?"_

_"Oh, yes." Jareth gestured for Sarah to look closer. The snail in his outstretched hand, upon further inspection, had a royal crest upon his shell, and the smallest golden crown Sarah had ever seen. "Satisfied?" Sarah merely nodded, lost for words._

_Real life really was stranger than fiction._

_Once they got to the prince's requested spot, Jareth set him down. Though, in the middle of the road seemed rather an odd place. Jareth decided that arguing wouldn't do him any favours, and wished the snail well._

_He and Sarah turned around, and about five seconds later there was the unmistakable sound of a car engine, followed by a small crunch._

_Jareth turned white, clutching Sarah's arm. "Is he..."_

_Sarah turned around. "Yup. He's dead."_

_"Oh shit..." Jareth sank to the floor, mortified._

_Sarah's eyes then widened. "Oh my god; did you just assist in a suicide..?"_

_When they got back to Sarah's house, it was already surrounded. Snails. Slugs. Trails of slime as far as the eye could see._

_It took them weeks to rid the house of snail trail, and block up all the exits. Jareth surrounded Sarah's apartment block with a giant ring of salt, which seemed to stop further intrusions. It was just the ones that had already gotten in that were the problem now._

_"Are they breeding?!" Sarah growled, flushing a substantial amount down the toilet. She waited for the tank to refill before flushing again just to be safe. She then turned to Jareth. "Next time you feel like doing a good deed _—_  don't!"_

 

* * *

 

Jareth writhed in his sleep, the sheets tangling around his legs. He whimpered, crying out every now and then.  
  
Loud enough that Sarah threw on her dressing gown, and made her way down the corridor.  
  
She relaxed when she opened the door, and an intruder wasn't stabbing him.  
  
"Just a bad dream..." she sighed, padding over. Sarah sat on the edge of the bed. She swept some of the birds nest out of his face, feeling a twinge of guilt. "Hey, wake up..." Sarah nudged him softly.  
  
"No... no..." Jareth sobbed, rolling away. "No no no..." Sarah's curiosity was piqued, but the goblin was in such a state of distress that she knew she had to wake him.  
  
"Hey... Jareth, wake up..." She took his shoulders, turning him over in hopes that he might rouse from this nightmare. "C'mon..." Sarah patted his cheek, another needle of guilt when she felt it wet with tears. "Jareth, you need to wake up—"  
  
The goblin's eyes shot open, and he made a slurred noise in surprise. He simply stared at her, unblinking, and Sarah wondered for a second if he had dropped dead. But then he blinked.  
  
And then Jareth cried.  
  
"Hey..." Sarah felt absolutely helpless. She was crap at consoling people, but she had to try. "Jareth, it's alright... I'm here." Jareth seemed to cry harder, which confused Sarah. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Jareth sniffed, his whole body shaking as he struggle to meet her eyes.  
  
Sarah wrapped her arms around him out of instinct, his head coming to lay upon her chest. She smoothed his wild hair, and rubbed his back as his breathing began to slow.  
  
Jareth's eyes slid shut, enjoying the steady thrum of her heartbeat. It had just been a bad dream...  
  
"Feeling better..?" Sarah chanced after a while. Jareth sniffled, nodding. "Good." She smiled, relaxing herself. Sarah gave him a reassuring little squeeze. After a comfortable moment of silence, Sarah asked, "what was the nightmare about..? Would it help to talk about it?" Jareth went very stiff.  
  
"It— it was... so r-real..." He hiccuped. "I couldn't—"  
  
"Hey." Sarah's hands were cupping his face, her expression serious. "You're never going back there again..." Jareth's lip wobbled at those last few words. "Okay?"  
  
"Okay..."

Sarah had suspected that Jareth had left the brothel with enough nightmare fuel to last for decades. Though Jareth tried his best to pretend all was well, Sarah noticed when it was not. When a larger man would stand in line behind them, Sarah would notice how Jareth would flinch.

She'd notice the way his expression shifted, and she'd notice the false smile he'd plaster on moments later.  
  
Sarah pressed a kiss to his forehead, and Jareth hummed.  
  
She felt a little jump in her bloodstream. Butterflies..? No, that was crazy. They were friends — just friends...  
  
In fact, she'd prove that to herself with another, completely platonic kiss.  
  
Sarah kissed the bridge of his nose. And then his cheek just to make sure.  
  
A quick kiss at the corner of the mouth was fine, right..?  
  
In fact. Friends kissed on the lips in Europe all the time.  
  
Sarah pressed another kiss to his lips. It lasted longer, and her insides fluttered again when Jareth's head tilted, his lips parting.  
  
Okay, the true test was tongues. If they were just friends, Sarah would feel nothing from French kissing.  
  
Except the second his tongue slipped into her mouth, Sarah felt another flutter — between her legs.  
  
Sarah had no idea how she found herself straddling the goblin king, and devouring his mouth like her first happy meal, but that was what happened.  
  
Jareth's eager hands were first upon her thighs, and then grasping her ample behind. Sarah's hand slipped between them, found something hard, and her lips broke away in a gasp.  
  
She was... taking advantage. He'd awoke distraught; vulnerable...

She was no better than those people who'd—

Her mind wouldn't let her finish that sentence. "I... I have to—" Sarah was half way out of his bed when Jareth's hand closed around her wrist. Sarah's eyes travelled slowly back to him, wincing when she saw how desperately he was staring at her.  
  
"Don't go." He whispered. Sarah had promised just a moment ago that she wouldn't... "Please. Stay..?" Jareth tugged her wrist, and Sarah found herself under the bedsheets, and pressed up against the Goblin King again.  
  
Her hand returned to the space between his legs, giving the hard length beneath his underclothes an experimental rub. Jareth hissed, scooting his hips closer.

Sarah moaned around his tongue, her libido flaring. She wasn't sure how or when, but soon they were both nude from the waist down. Sarah allowed the goblin to roll her onto her back, her anticipation mounting.

"I need you..." She caressed his face, the tip of his cock twitching against her opening. Jareth bent over her, stealing another kiss as he slid down to the base, his thick cock stretching her wide—

_"Nngeh..?"_

Sarah woke up with a mouthful of pillow, and her dildo still inside.

The third time this month she's fallen asleep with it in...

"Fuck..." She winced, fumbling to pull 'Jareth' out.

She only named it that because of what a colossal dick he was, anyway...

When Sarah got to the kitchen, she saw Jareth, Hoggle, and some unidentifiable third person sitting with them at the dinner slash breakfast table.

"Who's that..?" Sarah folded her arms. She hated visitors at the best of times - but visitors first thing in the morning when she hadn't showered yet, even more so.

The trio at the table went stock still, the stranger's face absolutely horrified.

"Since when the fuck can humans see me..?" He whispered.

"Precious, I knew you were fae!" Jareth was standing on the table now, looking excited; his cucumber face mask dripping into Hoggle's coffee cup.

"Autistic." Sarah corrected. "Who are you?" She turned back to the other man.

"Jupiter." He hummed awkwardly. Sarah cocked one thick eyebrow. "The deity, n-not the planet..." He then chanced a look a Jareth. "Are her eyes always this cruel..?" He whispered.

"Shut up." Sarah already didn't like him. "Explanation. Now?" Her eyes then flicked to Jareth, and he squeaked.

"He's... having some... _father_ trouble..." Jupiter glared at the goblin.

"You piece of shit..." An aura like lightening crackled around him. Jareth just laughed raucously.

"Don't think you're not getting a talking to either, Hogwash." Sarah then rounded on the dwarf.

"What'd I do now?!"

 

* * *

 

Jareth kept making excuses to come back into the kitchen after Sarah had ushered him and Jupiter out. First he needed a spatula. And then he needed a spoon.

And then he needed a whisk of all things...

If it hadn't been for Jareth's face mask, Hoggle would've noticed the man was now once again the picture of youth.

"Hoggle..." Sarah waited for Jareth to leave again. She could hear him lingering not so secretly behind the closed door — and the shadows of his slippered feet underneath weren't exactly subtle... "Hoggle, about the other day—"

"I know! Did you see the way he reacted like that?" Sarah frowned, but Hoggle continued blindly. "Thought he'd bog the lot of us, so I did—"

"Hoggle!" The dwarf paused, his breath hitching at the glare he received. "I know what you're doing. Just say you're sorry." Hoggle folded his arms. "Say it."

"M'sorry..." He grumbled.

"Thank you." Sarah paused before continuing, "So you can apologise to Jareth now."

"Already did..!" Sarah squinted. "I _did."_

"You promise..?"

"Uh... yeah, of course I promise..."

The door then slammed open. "YOU LYING LITTLE SHIT!" Jareth was holding the whisk in his ungloved hand.

"OH, GET OVER YOURSELF, YOUR HIGHNESS!"

Jareth shrieked, throwing said whisk at Hoggle's head. The dwarf ducked, and then picked up the closest thing to hand — a skillet, and advanced on the goblin.

"Hoggle, don't you dare." Sarah hissed. Hoggle ignored her, holding aloft the hunk of metal. "HOGGLE!"

"Too bad you're allergic to this..!" Hoggle then patted Jareth's bare arm. "Uh... THIS!" He patted it again, by instead of screaming in agony, Jareth merely gave him a bored look. And promptly slapped Hoggle across the face with the spatula he'd hidden in his pocket. "WHAT?!" Hoggle stood there in confusion, looking the man up and down.

Either Jareth's pain threshold had increased tenfold overnight, or—

"YOU BASTARD!" Hoggle whimpered when Sarah then wrestled the skillet out of his hand.

"Hoggle, you never apologised, did you?" Her tone was absolutely fed up, tears threatening the corners of her eyes.

"Well..."

"Did you?" Her expression dared him to lie.

"No." Hoggle looked away then; Sarah's disappointed face was something you never could look at for too long.

"Y'know what? Just go. I can't even look at you right now..." Sarah then walked out of the kitchen, leaving the two men alone together.

"I know what you're doing..." Hoggle hissed.

"Is it any different from what _you're_ doing?" Jareth didn't look smug at all. "Lying to Sarah. Trying to cause arguments between us. For what, Hogbrain?"

"You know what!" Hoggle was nearly purple. "You're not good enough for her — and you never will be!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Jareth was in the dwarf's face now. "Let her find that out for herself."

Hoggle stared into Jareth's eyes - they seemed different in a way that was hard to describe. Unless you knew what you were looking for...

"You're not magic anymore, are you..?"

"No." Jareth smiled then. "And do you know what else I can do..?"

"What..?"

"Lie." Jareth was beaming. Not only did the spatula, whisk, and spoon test mean that no metal could burn him — Jareth could also tell the most bare face of lies. "Do run along, Higgle."

Hoggle grumbled before doing just that.

 

* * *

 

When Sarah woke up a week later, she blindly fell through the bathroom door. _'Need a shower...'_

Sarah was far too exhausted to notice that the water was already running, or that the curtain was drawn. Three sleepless nights of staying up with Pico after he'd eaten her entire drawer of spare batteries meant that Sarah wasn't firing on all cylinders.

Pico was absolutely fine, however. Apparently goblins ate some weird shit.

Sarah dropped her robe, and stepped into the shower. She let the hot water cascade over her body, running her hands up and down a few times before reaching for the soap. Her eyes were still closed as she grabbed at thin air.

Jareth handed her a bar of soap, and a loofah.

"Thanks..."

Sarah lathered up her entire upper body before her brain kickstarted.

Sarah screamed. Jareth screamed louder. Sarah slipped in her efforts to get out of the bath. Jareth grabbed her so that she didn't fall. And then the goblin fell, smacking the back of his head against the tiled wall, Sarah half tumbling on top of him.

Sarah felt something slip halfway between her legs and squealed, jumping away. She quickly got a hold of herself, climbing out of the bath.

"Shit. Jareth..?!" She was bending over him, her own nudity forgotten. "You okay..?" Sarah inspected the bump on his head, before her attention fell on the bloodied mark on the white of the tiles. "C'mon, I'm taking you to the hospital—"

"I'm fine..!" Jareth pulled away. Sarah fixed him with a look of confusion. "You know we can't afford that, Sarah..."

"Well, I'll find the money."

"I'm fine." Sarah fixed him with a no nonsense glare. "Honestly."

Sarah didn't believe him, but Jareth was resolute in his lie, which left her little choice but to watch him like a hawk all day.

His appetite was fine.

He didn't feel nauseous or strange; something Sarah had worried about given his bump to the head.

Truth be told it was little more than a bump, but still Sarah worried.

It was when Jareth was climbing into bed for the night that he heard soft footsteps pause outside his door. He held his breath, and when Sarah knocked, he hurried to primp his hair before calling out, "C-Come in..?"

Sarah opened the door a smidge, peeking inside. "You... sure you're ok..?"

It was in that moment that Jareth knew he was some kind of scum.

"I'm... very tired." He whispered before wincing. "And my head hurts..." He felt a jolt of guilt when Sarah hurried over, her face full of worry.

"Worse than before..?" She carefully cradled his head, inspecting the wound.

"I... don't know..." Jareth looked torn.

"Hey, you've had a hard day." Sarah then pulled the bedsheets aside, ignoring Jareth's fastly turning scarlet face. "Try and get some sleep, yeah?" She then crawled in beside him. "Tomorrow night you're on your own; but I'll be damned if you choke on your vomit because of a concussion you were too dumb to let me take you to the hospital for. Okay?"

"O-Okay..."

The bedside lamp clicked off, and Jareth gulped, clutching the bedsheets a little tighter.

Sarah. In his bed. Of course it would be under the completely opposite circumstances to what he wanted...

Jareth's thoughts quickly turned deviant. She smelled so good... His cock gave a twitch, and Jareth let one of his hands silently slip beneath the sheets.

He teased himself through his clothes at first, until he felt the vestiges of a warm wetness begin to seep through the material.

His hand then found itself quickly under his pyjama trousers. Jareth paused, listening acutely.

Sarah's breathing was even... was she sleeping..?

He took a slow, deep breath; there was that scent again... That jasmine shampoo would be the death of him!

Jareth turned his head towards her; though he couldn't see her in the dark, he could smell her even better now. His hand wrapped around himself, establishing a rhythm. He forced himself to breath as silently as he could, already feeling that familiar climb of pleasure in his loins.

The bed dipped beside him. "Jareth..." Sarah hummed sleepily, and the goblin lasted just two seconds more.

Jareth whined, eyes rolling back as his mouth dropped open, his hips jerking up to meet his hand as spurt after spurt of come spattered his palm along with the bedsheets.

"Jareth..?" Sarah then rolled over. And cursed, turning on the light. "What the..?" She lifted her hand, her fingers connected by slimy viscous strings. "Oh my god..."

Jareth's blood ran cold.

"Oh my GOD." She growled, wiping her hand on the sheets. "Those fucking snails have gotten in again?!"

"Oh." Thank the gods for magical snails. "Why... yes, I believe I saw one of the bastards just yesterday..."

"And you didn't tell me?!"

"I stepped on him," Jareth lied, "I thought that was the last of them."

"Damn it!" Sarah growled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for being such patient readers! I'll try not to take forever next time xD


	16. It's not the side-effects of the cocaine...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth's secret couldn't stay secret for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, Pico is genderfluid. More on that in the next chapter tho :3c

"A coke nail?!" Sarah hissed. Jareth looked at her in confusion; Sarah's glare merely hardened, waiting for an answer.  
  
_Think it through, Jareth... She's angry because... You didn't offer her some..!_ "I have more than enough if you want a hit, Sarah—" He was barely able to finish his sentence before she'd grabbed him by the front of his shirt, shaking him.  
  
"That not what I—" She screamed. "You—! I swear to god, Jareth—!" Was she hyperventilating..? No, she was just too pissed off to form a coherent thought. Sarah let go of him with a withering look. "Where is it?"  
  
Jareth rummaged upon his person before pulling out a few transparent bags full of white powder. Just seeing it made Sarah's stomach lurch.  
  
"Is that all of it?"  
  
"Yes—?" Jareth felt a spike of adrenaline when she pinched the bags before marching toward the bathroom. His legs caught up with him too late, propelling him to the bathroom door just in time to see the toilet already flushing it away.  
  
"WHY?!" He screamed. He hadn't thought himself at all dependant on the stuff, but seeing it disappear...  
  
"You're detoxing, starting now." Sarah stated firmly.  
  
"You... _nasty woman."_ He whispered before flouncing off. Sarah didn't take his words personally at all. She knew in the coming days and weeks that he'd say much worse things to her. But it was for his own good, she reasoned.

 

* * *

 

Jareth had called her worse. Much worse.

Well, not really. He'd thrown the word 'cow' out a few times during the odd heated argument, but that was all.

Sarah couldn't let him leave the house; she knew if he did that he'd somehow find more the that stuff, and if he did—

Sarah didn't want to think about what would happen if he did. Because Jareth sucked at moderation.

Because Jareth when faced with something new and exciting was like a kid in a candy store.

Because if he overdosed and died, she wasn't sure what the fuck she'd do without him.

As much as she dreaded 'mother-daughter-time' with Irene, Sarah just wasn't sure who else she could go to about this. She grabbed the phone, dialing slowly.

 

* * *

 

"Goblins have addictive personalities..." Sarah mumbled, clutching her coffee mug.  
  
"Well you know what that means, don't you?" Sarah shrugged. "You've got to get him addicted to something _else."_  
  
"Like what..?"  
  
"You!"  
  
Sarah's blood turned to ice. "M-Me..?"  
  
"Well who else? You've got to remind him why he's with you, dear." Sarah made a groaning noise as Irene guided her to sit at her vanity.  
  
"I'm not so sure about this—"  
  
"Nonsense. This will work; trust me."  
  
It was hours later when Sarah knocked on Jareth's door, her heart hammering. She felt absolutely ridiculous. Sarah readjusted her strapless bra quickly, the weight of the breasts inside it completely uncooperative.  
  
When Jareth opened the door, he stared at Sarah, stunned. Cleavage on display. Heavy, but not badly applied makeup, her lips slick with glossy red, and her cheeks chiselled with blush.  
  
When she blinked, he realised she was also wearing false lashes, and they framed her vivid eyes wonderfully.  
  
"S-Sarah..?" He sniffed. Surely he was coked out of his brains right now, and past the point of hallucination. "Am I dreaming..?" Sarah's hands found his shoulders, and she pushed him back until he was sat on the bed.  
  
She wanted him to get clean. And deep down a part of her kind of wanted the excuse to do this.  
  
Jareth sat there as Sarah then straddled his hips, her hands in his hair.  
  
"Not a dream..." Sarah muttered. "B-Big boy..." She blushed under her makeup, her hips moving then against his.  
  
Jareth's hands were soon on her arse, and Sarah ignored the complete panic setting in. This was a good thing, right..? He clearly wasn't thinking about the drugs anymore...  
  
Except Jareth had to go and ruin the moment; he'd never coupled under the influence. And he'd never get this chance again, he reckoned.  
  
"W-What are you doing..?" Sarah watched as he grabbed a transparent bag from a drawer in his bedside table. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach.  
  
"I just need a little—" Jareth didn't get to finish his sentence; Sarah had slapped him across the face, his entire head spinning to the side from the force of it.  
  
When he looked up, there were black streaks down her cheeks. "You useless fuck!" She got off his lap, peeling off her lashes before throwing them at him. She then reached into her dress grabbing something before flinging those too — two wedges of foam padding. "Fucking snort all of it. Fucking die. I don't care anymore."  
  
She stormed out of the room, the door slamming behind her. Jareth could hear her travel the rest of the way to her room, things knocked off shelves, and kicked along the way.

 

* * *

 

"Hoggle..." Jareth's hands were twitching. The dwarf balked at how much the man was sniffing. "I'm going to need you to score me some more of that moreish white stuff."  
  
Luckily Sarah had already had a talk with Hoggle about Jareth - and his detox.  
  
"No." The little man watched Jareth carefully.  
  
"After all I've done for you!" Jareth was sobbing now, his face wet and snotty.  
  
"You've done literally nothing for me." Hoggle edged back, relieved when Jareth kept crying instead of wringing his neck.  
  
"I need it..." He whimpered.  
  
Hoggle's expression of disgust softened. "No ye don't..." He awkwardly patted the man's shoulder. He had a brilliant idea then. "Y'know it makes Sarah sad, don't ye?"

Jareth then blew his nose loudly.  
  
"Seeing you on that junk - it kills people y'know?" Jareth's reply was another honk. "Don't you never think about anyone but yourself?" Jareth frowned, about to say something. Hoggle continued. "Her mother don't bother with her. Her dog went and died. She's lost enough people, ye moron!"  
  
Jareth truly hadn't thought of it that way.  
  
"All I do is aggravate her..." He muttered.  
  
Hoggle was seeing red. As much as the idea of them being close annoyed him, he wasn't blind enough to think that Sarah didn't care about this idiot.  
  
"If you truly think that, you're dumber than I thought you were." Jareth looked away sadly. "I can't understand why she wants you in her life - but she does! So get your act together, or just... get lost!" He hissed.  
  
Jareth nearly did. He knew of course if he left, he'd feel a small amount of satisfaction - for all of five seconds. And then he'd live forever with the regret.  
  
And Hoggle would've been right.  
  
Worse than that, Sarah would be alone. He knew he wasn't the greatest company, and she deserved so much better—  
  
Perhaps he could try to be better?

For her.

 

* * *

 

"It feels so weird actually being able to hang out with you guys in public." Sarah chuckled.

Jareth's old glamouring spell meant that they could all spend quality time out of the house - and Sarah would only let Jareth leave if there were enough pairs of eyes on him at all times...

"Well, Lord Fancy Pants is good for something..." Hoggle squinted at Jareth, who in turn let out a hiss - prompting Pico to do the same toward the dwarf from atop Sarah's shoulder.

Ludo licked his ice cream, delighting in the sugary treat. Food in the Underground was bland if it didn't grow on trees; even then, it could be downright disgusting, depending on the tree.

Ludo was ever cautious after his first encounter with the sweaty sock conifer.

Why such a tree had to exist was beyond him. Jareth had countered; "Always keep them guessing." After asking who 'they' were, Jareth replied that it was none of Ludo's business, and that he didn't look feline enough for such a level of curiosity.

Didymus snuck a glance at Pico every now and then when he was sure the goblin wasn't looking. A sordid past was the only way to describe what had happened between them. Though Sarah was none the wiser, before she'd first journeyed to the Labyrinth, the pair of them had quite the shared history.

Sexually speaking.

And the breakup... It had been so bad that Jareth had 'promoted' Didymus to his position of bridge-keeper, aware that the fox-terrier would never again encounter a creature that could stand the subsequent stench of him.

Though he hadn't counted on that oaf of a beast, Ludo.

Guarding the bridge atop the bog had given Didymus much time to ruminate on his past deeds. And most of all, lament the lack of nookie.

Pico, though a tad high-maintenance, and bitey, had stoked fires Didymus didn't even know he had. Of course he wasn't made of stone - but a life of celibacy after Pico... It was a cruel punishment indeed.

Pico's peripheral vision was good enough for the goblin to know she was being watched. She sat a little straighter on Sarah's shoulder, sticking her nose in the air.

Jareth looked between the two. After all the late nights sneaking ice cream to the goblin, and telling her she didn't need a ratfink bastard like Didymus, Jareth would be damned if something happened between them again.

The irony was completely lost on Jareth, as Hoggle glared at the way he then drank in Sarah's curvaceous arse in her tight blue jeans.

But apparently more than one person was staring at Sarah's assets.

"Nice ass, sugartits."

Jareth spun round, appalled. "How **dare** you!" He took off one of his gloves, preparing to duel. "Just because I wear yoga pants—"

"Not you, fairy."

"Goblin, actually..." Didymus supplied.

"Let's go somewhere _quiet..."_ Sarah's brow furrowed until it looked like one black caterpillar when a hand roughly grabbed her arm. She was about to put her three years of judo lessons into practice, and put the hurt on him when she noticed not one, but four other similarly thuggish men appear, all with mean looks upon their faces.

Perhaps if she just kicked him really hard in the dick, it would give them all time to get away—

Sarah only noticed that Jareth's arm was extended upon doing a double take; the man he'd punched now laying motionless on the floor.

Hoggle stared in horror - Jareth could... actually throw a decent punch.  
  
The other men crept ever closer, and Sarah was about to grab as many of her friends as she could, and turn to run. Instead what happened next surprised her.  
  
She watched Didymus as the fox terrier propelled himself at the largest man, yipping all the way. When she'd spun around, Jareth was on another man's back, pulling his hair while Hoggle kicked the shit out of another's shins.  
  
Ludo, the only pacifist of the group, merely held one of the men upside down by his ankles.  
  
The protection spell Jareth had cast upon her friends didn't affect Sarah's perception of them - but the men they were fighting saw Hoggle as a slightly more realistically proportioned old man, albeit small, Didymus as some deranged red head, complete with moustache and beard, and Ludo as a great hulking giant.  
  
Sarah wasn't sure what they saw when they looked at Pico - not that it mattered, because the goblin had rushed up one of the men's trousers, biting through his nutsack if his screams were anything to go by.  
  
It all seemed to happen in a sort of rose tinted slow-motion. Jareth had grabbed a low hanging branch from a nearby tree, still holding onto the man's neck as he used said branch to slap him across the face repeatedly.  
  
Didymus was snarling, his jaws hanging from the ear of the screaming man that Pico was still savaging.  
  
Ludo slowly walked off to a nearby trashcan. "Bad man; Sarah friend." He gruffly said before dropping the man unceremoniously amongst the banana peels, and maggots.  
  
Hoggle was chasing after one of them, the tips of his little boots unmistakably red.  
  
The man Jareth had jumped upon managed at last to shake him off, not even looking back as he ran for his life.  
  
The only creep left continued to scream, trying to shake both Pico and Didymus off. The goblin was the first to fall, dropping down the man's trouser leg. Didymus too was soon flung off, hitting a nearby tree before bouncing a short distance.  
  
Sarah balked when she noticed what looked like a whole ear in his mouth. Before she could check her would be attacker over, he too had fled into the night, screaming.  
  
The gang stood there in complete silence.  
  
That was until Pico and Didymus started making worryingly passionate sounds behind a nearby bush. Jareth groaned, covering his face with both hands.  
  
Sarah poked the still unconscious man gingerly with her foot, relieved when he groaned.  
  
Not dead then.  
  
Before she could urge her friends to get the hell out of there, the sound of a siren caught her ears.  
  
**"Shit."**

 

* * *

 

Jareth whimpered. Prison. Prison! _He_ was going to prison. _Sarah_ was going to prison. They were ALL going to prison, and even Jareth with his best tucking abilities wouldn't be able to fool the guards into letting him share a cell with Sarah.

Sarah was incensed. It wasn't their fault that they'd been set upon by a bunch of weirdos - neither was it their fault that they'd had to retaliate in order to save their own skins.  
  
She looked through the bars at her friends, her mind racing. How to fix this. How to make it go away—  
  
Magic..!  
  
"Jareth." Sarah whispered. "Jareth, reorder time!" The goblin looked up mournfully. "What..? Did you run out of magic again..?" Sarah's heart dropped. "Did you use it all up, bleaching your asshole?!" She roared. "God _damn it,_ Jareth!"  
  
Jareth didn't have time to speak, another voice chiming in.  
  
"Actually, he doesn't have **any."** Sarah narrowed her eyes at the source.  
  
"You again." She narrowed her eyes further at the smirk on Jupiter's face. His smirk flickered, his expression almost worried for a split second before he schooled it back into character.  
  
"He didn't tell you?" Jupiter looked around the room then, every human suddenly having stopped, as if reality itself had paused. "I really do love this time shifting ability, by the way." He turned to Jareth. "Being able to stop and reorder time? I can understand your insufferable smugness now - it feels good to hold this much power..."  
  
Jareth merely hugged his knees to his face, which was uniform red.  
  
"You look confused." Jupiter turned to Sarah. "Allow me to spell it out for you." He took a step closer. "Jareth, vain fool that he is, begged me to iron those wrinkles away. He hits me up every few thousand years; tricking me with useless gifts or offerings in return." Sarah's frown had deepened. "He had nothing left to offer me - only his powers. Oh! And his immortality. He gave me that too."  
  
Sarah's eyes widened, and she looked over at the goblin. Still, he sat there, huddled with his face obscured. Sarah could tell at least that his ears were near purple.  
  
"I asked him, 'Jareth! When exactly do you want your immortality to run its course?' - and do you know what he said?" Sarah's blood was running hot and cold all at once, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up. "He said, 'when Sarah breathes her last breath'." The room was silent, Hoggle, Didymus, and Ludo all staring at the scene with baited breath. "Pathetic, really." Jupiter continued. "Imagine not being able to live without some plain, boring human; being so weak; so _dependant—"_  
  
There was a loud noise then that echoed off the walls. If you'd have blinked, you would've missed Jupiter's head spinning a full 360 after Sarah had slapped him.  
  
Before the deity could react, Sarah's hands were holding him up by the collar. "You give him his powers back **right now—"**  
  
"I-I can't..?"  
  
**"LIAR."** Sarah screamed, her irises flickering a shade close to neon.  
  
"It's... hard to do it. His immortality and magic came in... a full package..." Sarah's scowl seemed to double. "It's like separating the ingredients out of bread after it's been baked! I can't—!"  
  
"YOU'LL DO IT, AND YOU'LL DO IT NOW!" Sarah roared.  
  
There was an odd crackle in the air, Jareth's gloved hands glowing for a millisecond as the magic returned to his body. He stared incredulously at Sarah.  
  
"You're..." Jupiter wasn't able to finish that thought as Jareth finished it for him.  
  
"The babe with the power..."

 

* * *

  
  
Sarah didn't know what that meant. Apparently she could see deities and gods. Apparently she could force them to do the impossible through sheer will alone.

The fact that she could summon the Goblin King to take away her annoying baby brother, strut her way into his domain, take back said brother, and command power over said King, was something Sarah pushed herself not to think too deeply about.  
  
Whatever the fuck it all meant, Sarah wasn't quite sure that she cared right now. Jareth had reordered time in the police station, everyone's memories of the incident that night now but a distant memory.  
  
Only Sarah and her gang of merry misfits knew the truth; and that was just how it would stay.  
  
Sarah was sick of keeping secrets. She was sick of miscommunication. And most of all? She was sick of lies.  
  
She rolled her eyes when there was a knock at her bedroom door. "Yes?" She barked. The door opened a crack, Jareth's unmistakably dilated eye staring through it. Sarah sighed. "Come in."

Jareth shuffled as far as the foot of her bed, still looking cautious.

"Did you seriously bargain away your magic for a younger face?" Sarah gave Jareth a look of disappointment. It was the kind your mother gave you when she knew shouting was pointless. Jareth looked away in shame. "Not to mention your immortality. I didn't even know that about you! I just thought you could get really old!" Jareth's eyes lingered on the carpet. "Why do it? I don't understand."

"I... I don't have many friends, Sarah." The goblin mumbled. Still, he kept his gaze off her, knowing full well that one look into those green eyes would have him hesitating, or tripping over his words. "And... you aren't going to live forever." He paused, taking a deep breath. "And I couldn't lose you - not  _again,_ so—"

"Until my last breath..?" Jareth merely nodded. "You're so morbid." Sarah tsked. "C'mon." She held her arms out, rolling her eyes when Jareth simply stood here. "Can we have a hug now, and move on?" The goblin was half on top of her in his enthusiasm, pressing kisses to her face and hair.

"So, you're not mad at me anymore?"

"That depends." Jareth paused in his devotion. "Are you still on the drugs?"

"No." Sarah's eyes drilled into him. "I promise." Her glare softened, noticing none of the tell tale signs of a lie on his face.

"Good. Now get off my lap, sugartits."

The pair broke down into laughter, throwing pillows at one another.

 

* * *

 

Jareth paused. This was wrong. So wrong. Even Underground, this sort of shit was frowned upon.  
  
But he needed something. Some sort of hit. He needed the danger..!

And he couldn't score any more drugs now that he'd sworn to Sarah that he wouldn't. For her he would be drug-free.  
  
Jareth stared at the laundry basked, at odds with himself. Sarah had trusted him with the washing machine - which was no mean feat, given how many times he'd broken it. Ignoring common sense, the goblin began rummaging through the pile of used clothes until he found what he was looking for.  
  
He held up the dirty underwear, taking a quick look around just in case, and then pressed it to his face, breathing deeply.  
  
It was much better than cocaine. Fuck cocaine. Who needs cocaine when you've got Sarah's knickers?!  
  
Just then the front door creaked open, and Jareth fumbled with the tiny slip of clothing. He'd managed to stuff it in his front pocket just as Sarah rounded the corner.  
  
"Forgot my purse..." She huffed, grabbing it off the counter. "You gonna be okay with the laundry..?" Sarah stared at the clothing that was now all over the floor.  
  
"Absolutely." He nodded, not meeting her eye. Sarah just shrugged to herself.  
  
"Ok, well have fun. I'll see you tonight after work." She said before leaving.

 

* * *

 

Terror. Pure unadulterated terror.  
  
That was what Sarah had felt reach deep into her core the second she saw him - naught but a gangly pair of legs hanging over the edge of the back garden bog.

After what he'd put her through, anyone in their right mind would have felt relief.  
  
But not Sarah.  
  
She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, ignoring the fact that it was dusk, and that she was only wearing a baggy t-shirt and her granny panties, having just gotten ready for bed.  
  
"Are you OK?!" Sarah was screaming once she lifted him out of the water. Thick black rivulets flew out of his nostrils, and he was coughing. "It's OK..!!" Sarah was babbling, pulling him with shaking hands onto his feet. "It's OK!"  
  
She could barely recall the journey into the house, but Sarah put that down to shock. All she cared about was that he was safe, and more importantly, alive.  
  
A part of her wanted to scream at him for worrying her - but she ignored that part. Jareth hadn't spoken once, and that in itself was a worry.  
  
"C'mon, let's get those clothes off; you'll catch your death..." She whispered once they were close to the bathroom. Jareth gave her a wide eyed, anxious look, and she met it with a heartfelt one. "It's alright. You're safe."  
  
Jareth wasn't sure why that helped, but it did. But stripping in front of Sarah?! Of all the times he had to do it, and it was when he was in such a state - not to mention not a glittery g-string in sight! This strip would not be seductive. It would not make her heart race for him. And it was the complete opposite of how he'd mentally rehearsed it for the past six months.  
  
Sarah ushered the man into the bathroom and started running a hot bath. Jareth stayed close to the door, watching the water with cautious eyes. The funny thing was - after almost drowning to death, you weren't exactly keen on submerging yourself a second time...  
  
Once the bath was full, Sarah turned to him.  
  
"C'mon..." She pulled him over, and noting the way he resisted, gave him another comforting look. "I promise it'll be alright." Jareth made a soft sort of noise in objection, but he let her drag him all the same.  
  
He was about to begin undressing himself, but Sarah was already unbuttoning the front of his blouse. Static with fear, Jareth stood there as she quickly cast off his clothes. He couldn't dare meet her eyes, and Sarah kept her pitying looks to herself. He needed her to be the strong one right now.  
  
Sarah helped him into the bath, and Jareth sat there with an even more horrified look on his face. He shivered despite the heat of the water, looking around the room frantically.  
  
He could make a dash and jump out of that window...  
  
"Jareth, I'm here." Sarah's voice plunged him back into reality. "You're safe." She repeated, lathering a sponge. He was absolutely covered in grime. Sarah went to work quickly, washing him over before picking up a water jug. Filling it, she washed off the soap and grabbed the shampoo.  
  
Jareth whimpered before wishing he'd bitten his tongue in time. Such a state was not fit for a King—  
  
God, he wasn't a King anymore... It was taking a lot to get used to; frankly he was still in denial about the whole thing.  
  
He would never again be King. He'd nearly died, and if he had, it would've been one more hardship he'd foisted upon Sarah. Poor Sarah.  
  
He was a terrible person - had been a terrible person.  
  
"Thank you." Were the first words Jareth whispered. Sarah stared at him blankly for a moment.  
  
_Don't pity him,_ she reminded herself. _He's a proud man; he'd hate to feel like you pitied him - even if you do, a little..._ Deciding to lighten the mood, she spoke up.  
  
"I have to say..." Sarah was lathering his hair for the second time. "When I pulled you out, your makeup still looked perfect.  
  
"Setting spray." He mumbled quietly. It was a few moments before Sarah spoke again.  
  
"You're gonna have to teach me someday." She smiled. Jareth seemed to perk up at that. Her smile grew. "Just don't make me look like a hooker—" She faltered. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. "Oh god—"  
  
"It's fine—"  
  
"No, it's not..!" Sarah was reeling, her eyes brimming with tears. And oh god, here came the shock. "I'm... I shouldn't have..." She sniffed before groaning, words failing her.  
  
"Let me use your razor, and we're even." Jareth spoke. Sarah wiped her eyes, nodding.  
  
After pretending not to watch Jareth as he shaved his legs with her Venus, Sarah's curiosity came to the fore.

"What were you even doing..?"

Jareth balked, dropping the razor into the water with a plop. "Well..." He cleared his throat before mumbling something quietly.

"What..?"

"I said I was taking selfies..."

Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose; Jareth's latest addiction came in the form of social media. He'd gotten so popular that makeup companies were now sending him expensive palettes to review; not to mention he now had a raging fanbase.

"So let me get this straight." Sarah began, "You can't cook for shit, and you can't tidy for shit, so you magic everything to the back of the garden. The back of the garden now has a miniature bog forming. And you were walking backwards doing the duck-face for fifty-thousand losers you don't even know?!"

Jareth nodded.

"Why at dusk?!"

"The lighting suited my makeup today..."

Sarah groaned, fetching a towel.

 

* * *

  
  
Jareth blushed when a cup of tea was thrust into his hands. He stayed silent as Sarah grabbed the hairdryer, waving it back and forth above him.

He wasn't about to tell her that she was doing it wrong; this was all part of being a better person. Keeping snide comments to himself. Being thankful.

It pained him to do it, but for Sarah, he'd make that effort.

But not for the rest of those banal little friends of hers. They could go whistle.

The din of the hairdryer silenced after some time, and Jareth hummed when fingers combed through his now fluffy hair, trying quickly to tame it. Jareth knew exactly what it looked like without looking at it - much like the fuzzy baby feathers of most owls.

But for Sarah, he would endure such embarrassment.

And now that he was on that train of thought; for Sarah he would tell the truth.

"S-Sarah..."

"How long ago did you stop calling me 'precious'?" She teased. Jareth blushed. "Aren't I precious anymore?"

"Sarah, listen..." Her grin slipped, already worrying.

"Yes?"

"I... Have something to confess." Sarah felt her nostrils flare, a few tears stinging her eyes. Though she was still sat behind him on the bed, she blinked them back lest he turn round to face her. "When I promised you I'd never again touch drugs—" The air around them prickled, and Jareth could swear that the room felt warmer. "I haven't." He stressed, and Sarah let out a deep sigh of relief, the room becoming cooler once again. "But... I did something else to... distract myself from those cravings."

"W-Whatever it was, it can't be that bad—"

Jareth spun around, his wild hair framing his face comically as he screamed, "I SNIFFED YOUR DIRTY KNICKERS, PRECIOUS."

The silence that followed was profound. Sarah's face hadn't caught up with her ears, her expression firmly neutral. Until her eyebrows slowly rose ever higher, and her mouth twisted in revulsion.

"I thought we had a thief in the neighbourhood." She whispered. Jareth looked away. "I called the police, if you recall!" Her voice rose. "Officer! There's some deranged pervert in the area, stealing my underwear off the line!" She roared. "But it hadn't even gotten as far as the washer and dryer, had it?!"

"No more lies; that's what you said..!"

Sarah paused in her tirade. "Are there... any more truths you wanna offload while we're at it..?"

_"Well..."_

Sarah later thanked Jareth for his honestly. And five minutes later rushed to the kitchen to throw away the lemon juice Jareth had confessed to riding weekly.

Jareth curled up in bed, sleep now tugging at his eyelids. His last thoughts spread a genuine smile across his face. Sarah, his warrior queen, had come to his rescue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole part where Jareth fell in the mini bog was inspired after I fell in this fountain in Beaulieu: https://i.pinimg.com/474x/6b/09/c8/6b09c8312345b3d27070e8b34408045c--beaulieu-fountain.jpg
> 
> I was a twat, taking photos with the lens fully zoomed out, backing up when my ankles hit the rim, and I went arse over tit.
> 
> Pretty terrifying in retrospect as my legs had hooked over the short decorative rim, and I couldn't pull myself out.
> 
> Like a trapped turtle o___o
> 
> Anyway, I literally wrote that segment in the car on the way back home while in shock lmao, and it's been sitting on my phone for over a year XD


End file.
